5 Porn Stars (and Why I Love Them!)

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It’s not a big secret that I’m a fan of porn. I also realize that a confession like that can make a lot of different people uncomfortable (or even angry). I’m planning a future post on porn from a more societal perspective, but for now, I wanted to share a few of my favorite well-known performers in the porn industry!

Stoya

Yes, Stoya is beautiful. Her pale skin, small breasts, and mildly punky appearance (especially when she had pierced nipples & blue/purple hair) were the first things to catch my eye. But a pretty face isn’t enough to make me seek out more of a porn star’s work for years to come. No, I return to Stoya’s videos because she makes sex look fun. She giggles, squeaks, and makes the absolute best sex faces. Her scenes effortlessly switch from playful and light-hearted to rough and breathtakingly passionate, reminding me that intimacy is rarely “serious business.”

As if I needed any more reasons to adore Stoya, she’s also very talented off screen. She writes fantastic articles for Vice and educates about consent and adult performers rights as part of the Adult Performer Advocacy Committee. Her blog and Instagram are intellectual but down-to-earth — filled with mentions of her favorite books, adorable photos of her many cats, and occasional appearances from her real-life partner, James Deen.

James Deen

***On November 28, 2015, Stoya confessed on Twitter that she was raped by James Deen. I can no longer support him as a person or suggest him as a performer.***

Deen has a certain charisma that is absent in a lot of male performers. Whether he’s doing mainstream porn or BDSM, his scenes aren’t focused on what he’s doing to a woman, but what he’s doing with her. I am continuously in awe of the on-screen chemistry that he shares with all of his female co-stars — especially Stoya. He’s always pulling them close, grasping them tightly, and whispering into their ears. (What I wouldn’t give to know what he’s whispering!) For me, his confidence and dominance are even more attractive than his physical appearance, but I can’t deny that I am also really curious about his signature vibrator.

To make him even more charming, he seems to have a very carefree sense of humor. This sometimes carries over into his work, like the internet-famous “Lemon Stealing Whore” clip and the video behind “I am a baby panda! I do what I want!” (Confused? You can read about it on his blog.) He also does an online video series called James Deen Loves Food where you can see him make a $580.37 burrito, taste test 27 different kinds of mustard, and occasionally lose some clothing.

Buck Angel

I firmly believe that porn can be used for more than just helping people achieve orgasm. As the self-proclaimed “Man with a Pussy,” Buck challenges our society’s gender dichotomy. He helps make transgendered individuals more visible in the sex industry and the media at large. His work with trans women forces viewers to question if what they are watching is still mainstream heterosexual porn — or if perhaps they should abandon those labels altogether. His body positive attitude towards his vagina disproves the widely-held belief that all transgendered individuals choose bottom surgery. Some do and some don’t. It’s a personal decision.

I highly suggest watching Dan Hunt’s 2013 documentary, Mr. Angel. (At the time of this post, you can find it streaming on Netflix.) Buck’s Youtube channel also offers a lot of uplifting and educational messages for trans men, including his Public Cervix Announcement.

Nina Hartley

As a fellow sex-positive feminist and advocate for sex education, Nina is a big inspiration to me. Her interviews show that she is a passionate and well-spoken woman who could be the official spokesperson of the porn industry. (She is also a member of Adult Performer Advocacy Committee.) With a degree in nursing, her fame proved that a woman could be professional & educated and still choose porn because she enjoys it. Poly, bisexual, and active in the D/s lifestyle, she completely owns who she is. She has also continued to be prolific despite the fact that she is an aging female in an industry that values youth and Photoshopped beauty. And people say that you can’t be an empowered woman in porn!

Ron Jeremy

Admittedly, I have seen surprisingly little porn starring Ron Jeremy. While I find the nickname “Hedgehog” completely adorable, he’s not exactly my type. However, I do have respect for the man. Watch Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy and you’ll see that he works hard and takes his job seriously. Because of that, he has made a name for himself in an industry that commonly reduces its male performers to nameless penises. Over the years, his body has aged and changed, only making him more of an idol for the “average guy.”

He constantly shows his fun-loving nature with comedy performances and parodies of Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” video. I also had the chance to meet him recently, and he was just as nice as I had expected — even while I was reduced to nervous giggles and awkward silence. Fun fact: He has a Master’s degree in Special Education, freaking some people out but proving to others that ‘Hey! Porn stars are real people too!’

How to Love Your Vulva in 4 Simple Steps

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Vagina Books

I’ve never had a real close relationship with my vulva. I wouldn’t say that I ever really hated it, just that I haven’t appreciated it. Since puberty, I have annoyingly viewed it as just one more body part that needed to be shaved. I have unfairly compared it to those compact little vulvas of porn stars, mockingly referring to it as my “dangly bits.” In fact, my first reaction to labiaplasty was one of intrigue — not horror and sadness that I would actually consider paying someone to cosmetically cut off parts of my genitalia.

Investigating human sexuality and becoming part of the sex positive movement has forced me to question my attitude. Did you know that women who lack positive feelings about their genital appearance also report lower levels of sexual self-esteem and sexual satisfaction?1 Yeah, me neither. But that information convinced me that it was in my best interest to make friends with my vulva.

 Here’s what I’ve learned…

1. Educate Yourself

As Buzzfeed recently showed us, many adults of both genders cannot correctly identify the parts of male/female sex organs. Although the mislabeled diagrams were presented in a humorous way, the obvious lack of sex education is also cringeworthy. For those of us advocating for comprehensive sex ed, this failure isn’t exactly surprising — especially for external female genitalia. Focusing entirely on internal reproductive organs, many curricula omit anatomical details like the (purely pleasurable) clitoris.

Take responsibility for your own sex education. Learn the correct anatomical terms for the parts of your genitals, and be able to locate them. (Yes, even if that means looking at your vagina in a mirror.) Know how your vulva and vagina physically change when aroused. Understand the details of ovulation and menstruation, so that you know what’s going on inside your body. And of course, keep up to date on regular gynecological visits while educating yourself about basic vulvovaginal health.

Two really great educational resources are Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva by Debby Herbenick & Vanessa Schick and The V Book: A Doctor’s Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health by Elizabeth Stewart & Paula Spencer.

2. Challenge Your Concept of the “Ideal” Vulva

Women’s bodies are often distorted by the media and vulvas are no exception. The difference is we very rarely have the opportunity to see the real vulvas of real women. Porn is usually our only representation, and mainstream pornography falls into the same trap of airbrushed and surgical perfection as this month’s fashion magazine. Vanessa Schick has done some intriguing studies on porn star vaginas. Among her findings are that Playboy almost never includes images of longer inner labia and that the amount of centerfolds with “natural” pubic hair decreased from 99% in the 1980’s to only 9% in the 2000’s.2

Try searching out amateur or Feminist porn that focuses on real depictions of the female body. If you’re looking for something less hardcore, there are some beautiful photography books that celebrate vulva diversity. (Petals by Nick Karras even has a cheap Kindle version.) I also find the novelty of Tee Corinne’s Cunt Coloring Book simply irresistible. Exposing yourself to a variety of vulvas can help you to view yours as beautiful and unique, no matter the form, color, or pubic hair style.

3. Touch Yourself

Female masturbation is still taboo in our society despite the fact that only 11% of women claim to have never masturbated.3 For some women, touching themselves is not only sexually satisfying, but empowering. Others only experience a mental block of shame and emotional discomfort. If you’re part of the latter group, there are ways to overcome these obstacles. Making time for private relaxation, reading or watching erotic material, and slowing down to explore non-genital pleasure can all be helpful. If the emotional barriers are too much, but you are willing to talk about it, consider if assistance from a sex therapist may be beneficial.

4. Surround Yourself with “Vagina Pride”

Sometimes it’s easier to develop a positive body image with a little outside encouragement. Start small. Watch and read media that encourages sexual self-esteem in the privacy of your own home. (Buck Angel’s documentary, Mr. Angel, is one of the most inspiring films that I’ve ever seen.) Expect your gynecologist to provide a welcoming atmosphere where vulvovaginal knowledge is dispersed and questions are encouraged. Insist on having intimate partners who respect your genitalia and show enthusiasm for giving you pleasure. Attend events like The Vagina Monologues or other unique local performances with your friends. (On a recent vacation to Austin, TX I was introduced to Bedpost Confessions which I highly recommend. Click here for a hilarious podcast from that night— all about one female’s discovery of her vagina.)

Learning to love your vulva can take a lot of time and effort, but being proud of your body — all of it — is worth it. And let’s be honest, the process can be half the fun…I mean, look at #3.

1. V. Schick, S.K. Calabrese, B.N. Rima, and A.N. Zucker, “Genital Appearance Dissatisfaction: Implications for Women’s Genital Image Self-Conciousness, Sexual Esteem, Sexual Satisfaction, and Sexual Risk,” Psychology of Women Quarterly 34 (2010): 394-404.

2. V. Schick, B.N. Rima, and S.K. Calabrese, “Evulvalution: The Portrayal of Women’s External Genitalia and Physique across Time and the Current Barbie Doll Ideals,” The Journal of Sex Research 48 (2011): 74-81.

3. Janus, S., and Janus, C. The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior. 1993. New York: John Wiley & Sons.

Hitachi Magic Wand

The (Former) Hitachi Magic Wand [review]

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Hitachi Magic Wand

The Hitachi Magic Wand was introduced to America in 1968 — not as a sex toy, but as a “massager.” It didn’t take long, however, for people to discover that a “massager” that will turn your aching muscles to jelly will also make you come like a hurricane when used on your genitalia. To many happy consumers, “Hitachi” is synonymous with orgasmic pleasure despite the fact that the company wanted to be known for their electronics and appliances. In 2013 they finally decided to remove their name from the infamous massager. As I purchased mine right before the switch, my experience is limited to the old Hitachi Magic Wand. However, the improvements that were made to the new “Original Magic Wand,” seem minor enough that this review should still be useful.

Description

As a product straight out of the ’60s, the Hitachi definitely isn’t the prettiest sex toy. It’s mostly white, with blue detail on the power switch and the flexible neck. The long handle is hard plastic, but the vibrating ball-shaped head is made from a comfortable, texturized rubber. (Unfortunately, the rubber cannot be completely sterilized and has been known to stain or simply discolor/yellow with age.) Instead of using batteries, a 6 ft electrical cord powers the Hitachi. Although this can be somewhat inconvenient, it does provide consistent and strong vibrations. There are only 2 intensities, but both are very powerful: low (5000 rpm) and high (6000 rpm). Both settings are also very loud, making this toy potentially embarrassing for those with prudish roommates.

 

There are also plenty of attachments made specifically for the Hitachi Magic Wand. These range from simple silicone (sterilizable) caps, insertables for G-spot as well as anal pleasure, and male masturbatory sleeves. For a fantastic (and body safe) selection of these attachments, check out Shevibe’s Wand Vibrator Accessories page and Good Vibration’s Pop Top selection. (I own the Pop Top Deluxe Silicone G-Spotter and I really enjoy it!)

Review

The most common complaint about the Hitachi is that it is simply too much. It’s certainly true that the vibrations will rattle your entire vulva — and it’s the popular toy used in forced orgasm porn for a reason. With direct contact, it can easily jump the line from “Oh, that feels good…” to “Holy shit, make it stop!” If you have a sensitive clitoris, this toy might not be the perfect match. However, if you’re like me (whose genitals barely even register the vibrations from the Lelo Lily), the Hitachi could easily become your favorite toy.

Masturbation: Using the Hitachi by myself usually makes for a quick session. Desensitization doesn’t become an issue for me. I do, however, feel remarkably lazy at times. Fast orgasms are not always the most pleasurable. Sometimes there is little physical build-up and not much time to enjoy sexual fantasies. It’s also more difficult to ride a slow comedown, as the vibrations immediately become overwhelmingly uncomfortable. But I keep coming back because it’s so effortless.

Partner sex: I find using the Hitachi with a partner to be more complicated. It is difficult for a partner to apply the nuanced pressure and positioning that I find pleasurable. However, staying on the low setting and/or using a buffer can help. Some place a towel between their body and the Hitachi in order to muffle the sensations. Others put a clean sock over the head. There are even dimmer switches to allow for better control. (There is some debate on whether this harms the product.) My personal favorite is simply to wear a sexy pair of panties. As for intercourse, the size and cord are a bit cumbersome, but positions like doggy and cowgirl are quite accommodating.

Male pleasure: This is not a strictly female vibrator! Even without purchasing an attachment that is made for male pleasure, the Hitachi can be used externally on male genitalia. Not all men are going to enjoy vibration (especially at this intensity), but it can be fun to experiment.

Traditional use: I suffer from a lot of back pain, and the Hitachi has definitely improved my day-to-day comfort. The vibrations get deep into the muscles, smoothing out areas that harbor the effects of physical or emotional stress. To avoid overheating, the instructions advise not to use it for more than 25 minutes (with a 30 minute break), and this is almost always satisfactory. Bonus: since it’s marketed for external stimulation of any body part (and does not resemble a disembodied penis), you can accidentally leave it out without disturbing your guests…too much.

Closing thought: I love it!

I think the Hitachi Original Magic Wand is a fantastic purchase, especially for those that experience some difficulty reaching orgasm. The amount of power, the wide range of possible uses, and the long lifespan of this toy all make it well worth the price. It’s been over a year since I bought mine, and it has rarely left its spot on my nightstand since.

5stars

You can purchase the Original Magic Wand from my affiliates: Shevibe, Good Vibrations, Tantus, & Sexy Time Toys. 

Sensation Play: Blindfolds, Hot Wax, and Feathers, Oh My!

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You hear a high-pitched ping to your right, a sound that reminds you of glasses being clinked together at a party. Instinctively, you turn your head, but you can’t see through the blackness of the blindfold. You wait, straining to hear something more, but nothing more comes. The bed shifts under the weight of your partner. As more time passes, you can feel your muscles tense in apprehension. A splash of ice-cold liquid falls onto your nipple. You inhale quickly and jump in alarm as the liquid rolls off your side. More drops fall onto your chest, along your sternum, and onto your stomach. Suddenly something feels different. You realize that the last one stings — not from intense cold, but from heat. More drops land on your skin as you struggle to distinguish hot from cold, doubting yourself as the sensation from the next drop begs for your attention.

Sensation play refers to a cluster of sexual activities that are focused on the exploration of physical sensation. Most often, sensation play is thought of as a BDSM activity. However, while it certainly can include pain for the masochistically inclined, sensation play can also just be soft and sensual. It’s a way to slow down and enjoy the different effects that you and your partner can have on each other’s bodies. It can also lead to creative experimentation with household items that are not normally sexualized.

Perhaps the easiest way to begin a journey into sensation play is simply by exploring touch. Consider the range of pleasurable sensations that you have felt — not only those that were sexual. Maybe you have an obsession with cashmere or fur, or you love the way that a chain necklace feels when lightly moved against your skin. Of course, there are also several sex toys made for sensation play, like ticklers made from chain or rubber. But the great thing about sensation play is that common items can be incorporated into foreplay. Feathers, makeup brushes, loofahs…take a quick run through your home and you’ll see that the possibilities are endless!

For those that may want to experiment with combining pain and pleasure, there are even more options. You may want to consider abrasive materials, like sandpaper or hard-bristled brushes. Sex toys for this sort of play include a wide variety of pinwheels (the most common being the Wartenberg), and clawed gloves, like these impressive bear paws. Impact toys like paddles and whips can also fall into the realm of sensation play. (A separate post on impact play safety tips is soon to come.)

Another commonly explored sensation, as described in my opening paragraph, is extremes in temperature. (This is sometimes specifically referred to as temperature play.) Cold water, ice cubes, and metal objects chilled in ice water are common ways to provide your partner with cold sensations. For the hot side of the spectrum, many people turn to melted wax. Be sure to do plenty of research into wax play safety before beginning. (Nobody wants nasty burns.) White paraffin candles are generally a good choice for beginners — as they burn at lower temperatures. However, for an even lower melting point, you can use massage candles. If those are still too hot for your enjoyment, there are also warming massage oils that barely get above body temperature.

The reverse side of sensation play, sensory deprivation or the absence of sensation, can also be fun. Some individuals enjoy total deprivation of their senses, while others prefer the impairment of one sense in order to enhance the experience of others. Blindfolds, earplugs, and/or earphones with music playing can all be deprivation tools. This places a person in a sort of bubble where they are solely focused on sensations of touch. Because blindfolds are a very successful crossover from BDSM to vanilla sex, sensory deprivation can be a great way to break into sensation play without feeling too intimidated.

No matter the type or intensity of sensations that you are comfortable exploring, sensation play can be considered as one more tool in your sexual repertoire — and an opportunity to spend an hour or two figuring out how to make your partner tremble.

Victim Blaming: The Absurdity of Rape Justification

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I remember the first time that I was made aware of victim blaming. It was before I knew that there was a term for it, before I knew rape statistics & facts for the society that was I growing up in. Honestly, it was before I even had a mature understanding of what exactly “rape” meant for the survivor of such an act, beyond knowing that it was real bad. When I was around 10 years old, I was watching a daytime talk show with my grandma. A young female was talking about how she had been raped and suddenly my grandma vehemently stated that the girl had been asking for it — dressing the way she was. I can still remember gaping at her, the otherwise most kind and caring person that I had ever known, and realizing that what she had just said was completely fucked up.

What is victim blaming?

Victim blaming occurs any time that the responsibility for the crime of rape/sexual assault is pushed onto the survivor or “victim,” instead of the rapist being held completely at fault. Whenever you have heard someone bring into question a survivor’s attire, sexual history, alcohol/drug consumption, or even the physical time & location of the attack, you have witnessed victim blaming. The sad truth is that this harmful behavior is everywhere, being spouted by the young and the old, male and female.

A 2010 UK survey, Wake Up to Rape, found that 56% of responders thought that “there are some circumstances where a person should accept responsibility” for being raped. Disturbingly, females were more apt to blame the victim than males were: 71% of women vs. 57% of men thought the victim was to blame if they got into bed with their perpetrator. Younger responders were also more harsh, with 20% of 18-24 year olds (vs. only 7% of 35-50 year olds) placing blame on the victim if they simply had a conversation with their perpetrator and accepted a drink from them at a bar.

What prominent rape cases have taught us over the years is that anyone can be blamed for their own rape. In the 1989 Glen Ridge rape trial, where a girl with cognitive disabilities was sexually assaulted with a baseball bat and broom handle, the perpetrators’ defense attorney tried to convince the jury that the victim was a sexually aggressive lolita. In 2011, the press found it necessary to report that an 11 year old girl, who had been gang raped by 18 males, was known to dress “older than her age” and “hang out with teenage boys.” And in 2012, individuals in their hometown and across the internet showed support for the Steubenville football players, bemoaning the loss of their athletic careers after they sexually assaulted a girl who was so intoxicated that there were jokes about her being dead.

The effects of victim blaming stretch far and wide. 

Victim blaming plays a major role in rape culture by insinuating that victims deserve what they get, and that perpetrators are put into positions where they “just can’t control themselves” — or shouldn’t be expected to. This has a harmful effect on everyone. Survivors of rape and sexual assault often internalize the blame. Men (although not the only gender to be rapists) are unfortunately reduced to a distrustful Neanderthal stereotype. And many individuals structure their lives around what feminist writer, Jessica Valenti, calls a “rape schedule.” (If you have ever considered buying rape protective clothing, taken a more populated or brightly lit route instead of the most direct, or avoided going somewhere alone for fear of being raped, you have lived by a “rape schedule.”)

By focusing on a victim’s “mistakes,” we ignore the importance of consent. Not teaching consent leads to beliefs like those expressed in a 1998 survey of Rhode Island students, where 62% of boys and 58% of girls in the 9th grade said that a person had the “right to sexual intercourse against their date’s consent if they have dated a long time.” It doesn’t matter if someone is completely naked, if they are a sex worker, if they have had several other sexual partners, if you have had sex with them in the past, or if they have changed their mind about having sex now. Sex without consent is rape — no matter what the victim did or didn’t do. Yet we still focus on teaching people how to avoid getting raped, not how to avoid raping.

Speak out against victim blaming!

Sometimes it seems that victim blaming occurs out of nothing more than meanness and one person/group’s sense of entitlement over another. However, victim blaming can also be seen as a misguided way that some people try to make sense of the world. It’s a classic example of the “Just-World Fallacy.” By insisting that the victim was doing something in order to deserve punishment, other people are able to separate themselves from that victim. This is how we get comments like, “I’m also a woman, but you don’t see me getting raped.” It’s a way for people to stay in denial that sexual assault could happen to anybody — including themselves.

According to RAINN, 1 in 6 American women and 1 in 33 American men will experience an attempted or completed rape. 73% of sexual assaults are committed by someone that the victim knows. Educate yourself! Recognize the ways that people commonly place blame on the victim, even when they are denying it. (Ex: “I’m not saying she/he deserved it, but…”) Some horrifying and depressing, but real, examples can be seen in the “Shit Everybody Says to Rape Victims” videos on Youtube (here and here). Familiarize yourself with the many analogies that people use to try and justify victim blaming, and learn how to refute them. A fantastic article to help with this has been prepared by the humanist organization, Nirmukta.

The next time that you hear someone engaging in victim blaming, speak up. If we don’t tolerate other violent crimes against our fellow humans, why would we make an excuse for sexual violence? Nobody deserves to be raped.