Secretary [review]

Posted by

1

Secretary (2002), inspired by a short story by Mary Gaitskill, stars Maggie Gyllenhaal as Lee Holloway and James Spader as Mr. E. Edward Grey. The story follows Lee as she is released from a psychiatric institution and attempts to gain control over her life. In doing so, she takes a job as a lawyer’s secretary. Through Grey’s intense need for control & perfection within the office, a Dominant/submissive power dynamic forms between him and Lee. This dynamic eventually turns sexual, and the two of them are forced to confront questions of love, lust, and intimate relationships in general.

Being one of the few mainstream movies to depict a BDSM relationship, Secretary has gained a lot of attention. In the brief 12 years since its release, it has become a sort of modern classic for many in the community. In fact, I vividly remember the first time that I watched Secretary: sneaking off to my bedroom after my roommates had gone to bed, playing it on my laptop through a pair of earphones. Not only was it thrilling and sexually taboo, but for the first time, I was able to see an important part of my sexuality reflected on screen in a validating way.

Why Secretary is one of my favorite films…

I’ll admit, a small reason why I love Secretary so much is because James Spader has the most amazingly authoritative voice in the world. But the real reason is because BDSM is portrayed as a legitimate option in the realm of human sexuality — an acceptable, shame-free way for two people to find peace within themselves and an intense connection as a couple. Through their D/s romance, the characters grow into better individuals.

Lee finds comfort & cathartic release from BDSM, allowing her to abandon her old, self-destructive habits. She gains confidence in her appearance and her abilities. Through submission she actually learns to speak up for herself and become her own person. Grey also learns to accept himself and his sexual desires. At first, he is almost plagued by his need to be dominant. He battles against it, believing it to be abnormal, unrealistic, or both. But Lee encourages that part of him, allowing him to lower the walls that distanced him from romantic/sexual partners in the past.

The movie also does a wonderful job of not being overtly sexual. There is a concentration on the emotional and mental aspects of a D/s power dynamic with a focus on control/devotion and protection/security. When there are bits of nudity, they are not pornographic; they are intimate.

Why Secretary is not perfect…

Unfortunately, sexual communication is pretty much nonexistent between Grey and Lee for the majority of the film, creating far too many similarities with sexual harassment and assault. There are no discussions about consent or boundaries. They don’t even discuss their intentions, expectations, or desires! Instead, Lee relies on silently manipulating Grey into dominant action, while Grey irresponsibly engages in those actions without getting explicit consent. Though nobody gets physically injured because of this, it does lead to some very uncomfortable sexual activity that can be difficult to watch.

Secretary is also guilty of the very misrepresentations that I mentioned in Popular BDSM Erotica: Damaged & Diluted. My inspiration behind that post, Margot D. Weiss’ article “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in the U.S. Popular Media” was actually written specifically about this film. In her article, Weiss points out that BDSM is “pathologized” because submissive & masochistic Lee battles a history of self-injury. (Not that there is anything shameful about mental illness, only that it is unrelated to BDSM.) Grey and Lee’s BDSM relationship is also “normalized” when, at the end, they settle into marriage. Although I will argue that they do appear to continue their kinky sex play.

TL;DR

If you haven’t yet seen Secretary, I strongly recommend it. Keep in mind that communication should be part of every relationship, and that Hollywood’s misconceptions of BDSM are still something that needs changing. However, the fact that a D/s dynamic is displayed as a legitimate love style feels like a step in the right direction. In my opinion, Secretary is just too monumental to ignore for those interested in the BDSM lifestyle.

5stars

1. Margot D. Weiss. 2006. “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in U.S. Popular Media.” Journal of Homosexuality 50(2/3): 103-130.

You can also find an electronic copy of the article here.

The Magic (Safe)word

Posted by

0

I know that, according to the ever-popular Christian Grey, “Lovers don’t need safewords,” but I’m here to say that’s bullshit. Because, if understood and used responsibly, safewords can benefit any sexual relationship. Problems arise when communication about a couple’s safeword is lacking — or when the idea of a safeword is shrouded in societal misconceptions.

What is a “safeword?”

A safeword is a word that is designated and agreed upon prior to sexual activity. This word is to be used in the case of overwhelming amounts of physical, mental, or emotional discomfort/pain. If a person says the safeword, their partner(s) will immediately stop what they are doing — either completely or at least long enough to fix the problem. To make this distinction more clear, sometimes there will be two designated words: one to signal a pause or alleviation of current activity and the other to signal a complete stop to all activity.

There are a few ways that people may choose their safewords. Most importantly, the safeword should not be something that would normally be said during sex. Some choose words that hint at discomfort like “mercy.” Others choose a random word like “salad.” And still others stick with the standard traffic light code:  “yellow”  for caution/slow down and “red” for stop. (Some people also use “green” as a way to communicate that everything is fine and that the activity should continue.) But a safeword doesn’t have to be a spoken word. For example, in the BDSM community, it’s common to have a nonverbal signal in case a gag is being used. This opens up a lot of possibilities, like snapping of the fingers or tapping on a nearby surface. Whatever the method of communication, it should be quick and unmistakable. 

“No!” and “Stop!”: Universal safewords? 

A lot of people don’t get the point of safewords. They argue that words like “no” and “stop” should be enough to make any partner stop in their tracks. For the most part, I agree with this. But I also recognize that there may be some situations where these words are part of a larger role-play scenario. A lot of people (while not turned on by the actual act of rape) may want to experiment with consensual “forced” sex. As part of the performance, one partner may pretend to fight back or say “stop.” Another consideration is that, in the case of intense physical sensation (ex: spanking or even tickling), it may be a reflex for some people to say “stop!” long before they actually hit their limit. In both of these cases, a separate word could be used to signal the actual desire to stop the scene.

There’s also some unfortunate societal reasons for individuals to avoid using these words. Even during sex, people will keep quiet because they fear hurting someone else’s feelings. They don’t want their partner(s) to feel like they aren’t skilled at giving sexual pleasure. And, as horrible as it is, a lot of people simply accept that sex “is supposed to be” painful, uncomfortable, or at the very least unpleasurable. Words like “stop” may even feel too final for some, insinuating panic when all they really want to do is pause while they find a more comfortable position. Bringing in a unique safeword can actually seem less intimidating, and lead to greater communication.

Safewords for everyone! 

I encourage everyone to forget the idea that safewords are only for dangerous BDSM play. They are a great way for all sexual couples to keep an open line of communication. They promote consensual sexual activity by giving everyone a voice. Even if you choose to rely on “no” or “stop,” you and your partner(s) should still have the safeword conversation. (Do you feel comfortable speaking up during sex? What are things that would cause you to say stop? How do you plan to communicate ‘stop’ vs. ‘wait?’ etc.) This will provide you with a clear, verbal plan for communication during sex, in addition to body language. Then, if something doesn’t feel good or if one of you simply wants to stop — for whatever reason, both of you will be on the same page immediately.

Sasha Grey’s Juliette Society [review]

Posted by

0

Screen Shot 2015-08-19 at 11.04.34 PM

When I first heard that Sasha Grey was writing an erotic novel, I was genuinely excited. While I was concerned about the technical skill that may or may not be present in her writing, a former adult performer seemed like the perfect author for a risqué and unapologizing sexual fantasy.

At first glance, The Juliette Society seems to be about a secret sex society for the rich & powerful, its name inspired by The Marquis de Sade. The blurb on the back cover is Fight Club-esque, but with sex. You do not talk about The Juliette Society. The main character, Catherine, is our window into this world, willing to tell us what happens behind closed doors.

However, as I read the book, I found that synopsis misleading. The novel is not so much about The Juliette Society as it is about Catherine herself. It’s a coming of age story of sorts; a sexual awakening of a 20-something college student. We, as readers, are the audience for her own personal fantasies, and her struggle to reconcile them with reality. As she interacts with individuals who are more sexually liberated than her, she questions where the line is that she shouldn’t cross. What will happen if she goes too far? Will her relationship survive? What does she truly desire?

The Good

I was genuinely impressed with Grey’s writing. As erotica publishers seem to favor quantity over quality, I’m always relieved to find an author who has a grasp on the English language and a new perspective to offer. Don’t come into this book expecting tedious descriptions of how “his large, throbbing member entered her wet slit.” Instead, you can expect a full chapter dedicated to her explorative (and rather interesting) thoughts on “come.”

Grey’s greatest talent is in her character voice. Catherine is three-dimensional: not strictly good or bad, but a realistic gray area of personhood. Although it is written in first person, she is not a blank slate for readers to project themselves onto. She has her own interests and desires. She is witty, educated, and stronger than most female leads in the romance genre (even if she is somewhat dependent on her boyfriend for happiness). Her level of introspection provides a dimension not commonly seen in erotic literature.

The Bad

Although Grey’s attention to character made this book start out as a pleasurable read, I eventually needed more. In the story, (film student) Catherine keeps overstating that “plot is subservient to character,” but in The Juliette Society, plot becomes smothered by character. The entire story traps readers inside Catherine’s head. We don’t get a real, honest glimpse at the personalities or motives of the other characters. We don’t learn anything about the society that the novel is named for. (Catherine only visits twice.) It’s barely even discernible what is happening in Catherine’s daydreams vs. what is happening in her real life.

This might not have been a problem if it was only meant to be a story of sexual awakening, but that’s not the case. There is a largely neglected element of crime & mystery that surrounds The Society. Without a deliberate build up of suspense, the major plot twist feels contrived. The ending falls flat. Plus, it perpetuates negative stereotypes by once again connecting fetishism with murder.

The relationship between the main character and her boyfriend, Jack, also left me feeling uneasy. There’s a complete lack of communication. Catherine is secretive and Jack usually comes off as uninterested. There’s a lot of shame & guilt surrounding sex. Ultimately, Catherine shuts off the part of herself that desires more taboo activities in the bedroom in order to save the relationship. This doesn’t seem healthy.

Worth reading?

I could take it or leave it. Although I enjoyed The Juliette Society more than a lot of recent erotica, it’s difficult for me to consider it a part of that genre. I was never aroused by what I was reading. It always seemed more like general fiction, with added sexual aspects. And when compared with the quality standards of general fiction, The Juliette Society just didn’t stack up. However, this being Grey’s first novel, perhaps we can hope for a stronger sequel.

2star

Getting Handsy: Female Genitalia

Posted by

0

Think back to all the times you have heard guys complain about how hard it is to find the clitoris or the G-spot. A woman’s vulva and vagina are viewed as a very precision-oriented combination lock, with an all-powerful sequence that magically unlocks orgasm. Touch here, rub gently, poke there, and repeat. But that’s simply not true.

Every woman is different in what she finds arousing or pleasurable. And just like the majority of my other posts, my first bit of advice here is to communicate. Ask your partner how she likes to be touched. If she has difficulty describing it, see if she feels comfortable giving you a visual demonstration. If there are specifics that you are still unsure about (like pressure), you can ask her to give you feedback while you’re pleasuring her or to physically guide your hand with hers.

If this is something that you are freshly exploring together, then some basic anatomy may be helpful. Although every vulva is unique in details of color, shape, and size, the individual parts are still easy to recognize.

vulva

When discussing vulvar (external) stimulation, the clitoris generally receives the most attention. Specifically the clitoral glans, as much of the actual clitoris lies hidden within a woman’s body. This tiny button-like structure contains thousands of nerve endings (upwards of 8000, double that of the penile glans) and is naturally covered by the clitoral hood to prevent over-stimulation. However, during arousal, the clitoris will swell, making itself more accessible.

Still, the clitoris is super sensitive and many women may not feel comfortable being touched there. Massaging the clitoris by rubbing the clitoral hood overtop of it is a good alternative to direct contact. Experiment with what speed & pressure feel best (start slow & gentle, so as to avoid causing pain) and what motion is preferred (circular, back and forth, etc). It’s also a good idea to stay lubricated, so that your hand glides smoothly over her genitals.

Remember that, even though the clitoris gets the spotlight, many women enjoy stimulation on other parts of their external genitalia too. Some like their labia being gently stroked or tugged on. Some enjoy their mons being rubbed or their pubic hair played with. Some may like their perineum or anus to be touched as well. Ask what your partner is comfortable with and spend some time exploring to see what feels nice.

Although the term “fingering” brings to mind vaginal (internal) stimulation, this actually isn’t something that all women want. Some women may consider insertion distracting or uncomfortable. Desires can also change depending on one’s mood. Having a conversation about this can lead to a more pleasurable experience. If your partner is into vaginal stimulation, ask how many fingers feel comfortable. This can range from one finger to a whole hand. (Of course, fisting has its own safety measures.) You may also want to ask about speed or technique.

A lot of men seem to worry about technique. There are several lists online of specific ways to please your special lady. Personally, reading through many of those makes me cringe. The “Twist and Shout” will only make me shout “Stop!” but it may make your partner squeal with delight. If you find a technique that seems interesting, get her opinion on it first.

The most popular technique is probably the “come hither” motion. This stimulates the G-spot on the front wall of the vagina. Some women will not enjoy this because it can feel like the need to urinate. For others, it creates a whole new level of sexual pleasure. Whatever your partner finds pleasing on the inside, remember to stay lubricated, keep those hands clean, and the fingernails neatly trimmed. The vagina can easily get tiny tears, leading to pain and increased risk of infection. And that just isn’t fun for anybody.

As I mentioned in my post about handjobs, “fingering” is low on the sexual totem pole. Many men may bypass this method of stimulation because, even though they experimented with “heavy petting” as a teenager, they moved onto other activities before mastering it. But spending some time on improving your manual skills can be an intimate and rewarding experience.

My Experience on Trivora (Oral Contraceptive)

Posted by

0

Why I Chose Oral Contraceptives

For the first couple of years that I was sexually active, I relied on male condoms. But even though my partner and I were both super strict about using them correctly, the typical-use failure rate of 18% made me nervous. I needed something more reliable, and since I was part of a committed & monogamous relationship, I started researching hormonal methods. Of course, these presented me with a whole new set of concerns. Some females in my family have experienced very negative reactions to ‘The Pill,’ like fainting. The idea of a lower libido or an expanding waistline weren’t very appealing either. But what worried me the most was the risk for depression.

Despite my concerns, I reasoned that oral contraceptives would be a relatively cheap way to experiment with hormonal methods. And if the side effects turned out to be unbearable, stopping the hormones would be quick and easy when compared to more invasive methods (implants or IUDs). After discussing my options with a nurse practitioner at my local Planned Parenthood, I started Trivora.

What’s Trivora?

Trivora is a combined hormonal contraceptive, meaning that it includes both estrogen and progestin. For practical purposes, this means that it has a slightly larger window for error when compared with progestin-only pills. It’s also triphasic, meaning that there are 3 different doses of hormones in each 1-month pack of pills.  My nurse practitioner suggested Trivora partly as a way to test my body’s reaction to different levels of hormones. It was also on the cheaper side of the spectrum, costing about $20/pack.

My Initial Response

Just as I feared, the first month or so on Trivora was emotional hell. I was crying almost daily. I became consumed by obsessive & negative thoughts, to the point that I no longer felt in control of my own mind. My life goals floated away along with my motivation and desire for everything that usually made me happy. My history with depression had returned full-force. Needless to say, sex was the last thing on my mind. I was simply trying to function well enough to survive. And my partner was becoming very, very concerned.

I knew that it could take up to 3 months for my body to adjust to the new medication, so I (somewhat dangerously) forced my way through the symptoms I was experiencing. Thankfully, somewhere in the second month, everything calmed down. I gradually started to feel a desire for life again, and I returned to a state of emotional stability. Now, after almost a year, my partner even swears that my PMS mood swings (pre-Trivora) have disappeared.

My Positive Experiences

Most importantly, I’m not pregnant. Granted, this has a lot to do with my strict adherence to taking ‘The Pill’ at the exact same time, every single day. But still, Trivora has done its #1 job. I also have a much more regular menstrual cycle, with lighter menses. (My periods were very heavy and painful before.) I haven’t gained excessive amounts of weight. I haven’t suffered from headaches or fainting spells. Physically, I feel pretty much the same as always.

Why I’m Still Looking for Another Method

While Trivora was a good starting point for testing the waters of hormonal birth control, I can’t help but feel that it’s not the perfect match for me. For one, I am experiencing a few annoyances like increased breast tenderness and possibly a decrease in sexual desire. (It’s hard to determine what is due to hormones and what is due to other factors, like stress or relationship familiarity.) Also, the cost, though conveniently spread out over time, is still more expensive than other more effective methods.

For this reason, I’m currently researching Mirena and Skyla IUDs. Both of these are top-tier methods that have lower levels of progestin (and completely lack estrogen). Of course, they also have their own risks. Starting a new method is always a little scary. What works perfectly for one woman may be disastrous for another. But until I find I solution that I’m truly satisfied with, I’ll keep trying. And I’ll also keep reporting my experiences for other women who are searching.

What are your experiences with oral contraceptives? 

Update: I have since switched to Enpresse and, although it is simply a different generic form of Trivora, my breast tenderness has almost entirely disappeared. My emotional state also seems even more stable. At this time, I am content with my method of contraception and have changed my mind about getting an IUD.