Purity Myth

The Purity Myth [review]

Posted by

0

Did you know that 88% of individuals who pledge to remain abstinent until marriage end up breaking their pledge?1 And when they do have sex, they are less likely to use protection?2 

95% of people have premarital sex3, but we are still placing importance on our youth’s purity over their health and happiness — especially when it comes to girls. Instead of educating them & trusting them to make their own decisions, we place that power in the hands of others (legislators, doctors, parents, etc). We exercise control by convincing young women that their entire worth is connected to their sexuality: That they cannot be respectable human beings if they have sex, even though every makeup commercial, fashion magazine, and high school popularity contest tells them to be “sexy.”

Purity Myth

Feminist writer & advocate, Jessica Valenti, decided to speak out against this and much more in her book The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women (2010). Perhaps it’s due to my own experience within the purity movement, but this has become one of my favorite, most eye-opening and influential books that I’ve ever read. In fact, I wish that I would have discovered this book sooner, as it helped me to understand the forces at play during my own adolescence. Valenti links several problems to our obsession with “purity.” She provides facts & examples, while still maintaining a personable, informal tone — complete with typical Valenti-style sarcasm. (I personally enjoyed the humorous touch to her footnotes, but I can also see how her writing style may not get through to those with opposing viewpoints.)

In The Purity Myth, Valenti spends a lot of time explaining the damage done by Abstinence-Only Education, far beyond the blatant misinformation & lack of contraceptive use. She calls attention to class exercises that reinforce the idea that you are “dirty” or “unworthy” if you’ve slept with more than one person. She skillfully makes connections not only to slut-shaming, but also how this obsession with virginity plays into a larger rape culture, including victim-blaming. Valenti even points out how the media has created the stereotypical virgin: the beautiful, heterosexual, & caucasian “girl next door,” bringing up questions of sexism, racism, and homophobia.

Valenti calls out the purity movement for not only perpetuating the harmful virgin/whore dichotomy, but sending mixed messages between the two.  By focusing so much attention on this one characteristic, we have fetishized it to the point that girls are advertising their virginity on shirts & women are getting plastic surgery to recreate their hymen, because that’s what makes them appealing to men. We have sexualized the very idea of being non-sexual.

Where do we go from here? Valenti doesn’t make an argument for abandoning virginity in exchange for casual sex. She simply wants girls to be able to make their own educated decisions, without fear and slut-shaming. She calls for us to concentrate on the successes of young women today, instead of panicking over their so-called moral decline. If you’re reading this, nodding along in agreement, go find a copy of The Purity Myth. It will open your eyes to how far this obsession reaches, how much control it has over our society, and just how damaging it truly is.

5stars

1. Brückner, H., & Bearman, P. (2005). After the promise: The std consequences of adolescent virginity pledges. Journal of Adolescent Health, 36, 271-278. Retrieved from http://www.yale.edu/ciqle/PUBLICATIONS/AfterThePromise.pdf

2. Rosenbaum, J. E. (2009). Patient teenagers? a comparison of the sexual behavior of virginity pledgers and matched nonpledgers. Pediatrics, 123(1), e110-e120. doi: 10.1542/peds.2008-0407 [Available at: http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/123/1/e110.full.html]

3. Wind, R. (2006, December 19). Premarital sex is nearly universal among americans, and has been for decades. Retrieved from http://www.guttmacher.org/media/nr/2006/12/19/index.html

Lelo Lily

Lelo Lily [review]

Posted by

1

The Lelo Lily was my first sex toy crush. It’s small, sleek, and resembles a sculpture more so than a vibrator. Plus, it concentrates on the clitoris instead of being insertable. Despite some opinions that the vibrations were too weak, I couldn’t get over my infatuation. I spent years swooning over Lily, keeping an eye on various website sales and trying to convince myself that a sex toy was worth the better part of $100. Finally, the desire for a vibrator that was less cumbersome & more intercourse-friendly swayed me to place an order.

First Impressions

Lelo certainly puts effort into making their packaging fit the “luxury” ideal, even if it is somewhat excessive to those of us who try to live green. Upon receiving my Lily, I was greeted with a discreet, shiny black cardboard box. No porn star models & cheap plastic here! Inside the cardboard was a nicer and sturdier black box that can be used as permanent storage.

Lelo Lily

Included inside, along with Lily, was a white satin travel bag, a wall charger (having a rechargeable battery cancels out the amount of packaging, right?), the Lily/Nea/Yva user manual, a 1 year warranty, and a 10 year quality guarantee.

Lelo Lily

The Lily has a wonderfully soft, almost skin-like texture. It easily fits into the palm of your hand, and its shape is made to complement the intimate curves of the female genitals. There are only two buttons that control on/off, vibration intensity, and 5 stimulation modes (continuous, extended/intermediate/short pulses, and one called “before & after” that makes me think of revving a car). Using these two buttons, the Lily can also be locked to prevent accidental loss of battery life. I have been able to lock mine and keep it in my nightstand for weeks, if not months, between uses without any need to recharge. (According to Lelo, there are 4 hours of use for every 2-hour charge.)

Masturbation

The Good: Lily is very quiet. Unless you share a bedroom, nobody will be able to tell that you are enjoying some quality alone time. I also found the Lily very comfortable to hold; not flush against my body, but lifted up a bit so that the vibrations felt stronger (on the pleasure point) and I had easy access to the buttons.

The Bad: It is way too weak for my body. At its highest intensity setting, the Lily is drastically more subdued than any other vibrator I have owned. At the lowest, I am not even able to feel the vibrations. I only recognize that it is still on by a high-pitched electronic squeal. It definitely falls more within the higher “buzzy” category than low & “rumbly.” Although I can orgasm while using the Lily, it’s a long process — full of moments where I lose the perfect sensation and ending with a mediocre climax. More often than not, it simply gets passed over for a toy that I know will do the job in a timely manner and not lead to frustration.

Partner Sex

I had hopes that even if the Lily wouldn’t do the job for me on its own that it would still be enough to tip me over the edge during sex. Sadly, the opposite was true. While it is the perfect size and shape to be unobtrusive, I found that the vibrations from Lily become entirely overpowered during intercourse so that I barely notice them at all, even on the highest setting. However, although Lily is marketed to women, it’s a good size and shape to cradle a male’s testicles while resting the tip against his perineum as well.

Would I suggest the Lelo Lily?

It’s definitely not for everyone. I doubt that I will ever pay the high price for another Lelo product, simply because I fear that all of them will be too weak for my needs. However, if you are very sensitive and easily overwhelmed by genital vibrations, the Lily will probably be a good sex toy for you. Go to your local sex toy store, and see if they have a display model so that you can test out the vibrations before you spend your money.

1star

You can purchase the Lelo Lily from my affiliates: Shevibe, Good Vibrations, & Peepshow Toys.

Sharing Your Sexual Fantasies

Posted by

0

I keep running into the same question from people looking to actualize their sexual fantasies: How do I convince my partner? The problem is they’re asking the wrong question. “Convincing” someone to engage in a sexual activity that they are opposed to will not be pleasurable for anyone involved. However, you can express your desires, without expectation or intimidation, in hopes of greater intimacy.

Before Sharing Your Fantasies

Know yourself. Have a detailed understanding of your specific desires. The same general fantasy (Ex: spanking) can mean different things to different people, and you need to be prepared to explain what it is that you want. (Spanker vs. spankee, red bottom vs. bruising, paddle vs. cane?) Consider why something turns you on, or what exactly seems appealing about it. Are you drawn to the physical sensation, an emotional reaction, or a combination? Also, know the importance of your desires. Are you sharing in order to learn something about each other, or to turn fantasy into reality? Is this something that you can live without or is it necessary for your happiness? 

Know your partner. Unless this is your method for weeding out potential love interests, take a moment to consider your partner. Are they open or conservative about sexuality? You may want to test the waters by mentioning your fantasy in a way that is unrelated to your relationship. For example, when a celebrity’s foot fetish gets media coverage, ask your partner’s opinion. Consider if your fantasy might take too much of a physical or emotional toll. Do they have a physical condition that would make an action or position uncomfortable? What about a negative experience from their past that might resurface? If you know your partner well, you might be able to anticipate their questions & concerns.

Know your relationship. Each relationship is different, and everyone deals with these discussions in different ways. Remember, this can be a very dangerous activity for a couple. Does your relationship feel ready? If you’re not sure, are you comfortable taking the risk?

Starting the Discussion

Don’t think of this as a “once and done” conversation. Depending on you & your partner’s comfort level, confessing your fantasies may be a multi-step process. Also, fantasies change: sometimes they continue to expand into new territory and sometimes reality just isn’t as great as you imagined. The important thing is to open up the line of communication.

If both of you are comfortable discussing sex, you may be able to share your fantasies (and ask about your partner’s) with little pretense. However, phrasing is important. If you’re having trouble, rely on I-statements and avoid abrupt confessions that may make your partner uneasy. (“I think your feet are really sexy, and giving you a foot massage would really turn me on.” vs. “I have a foot fetish. Let me suck your toes.”) Also be mindful of possibly coercive or unfavorable settings. For example, confessing your fantasies in the middle of a sexual activity may seem like a request, placing undue pressure on your partner. It also doesn’t allow time for them to ask questions. Instead, consider neutral situations, like while folding laundry together. Or intimate, but not necessarily sexual activities, like cuddling. 

If at least one of you is shy about these sorts of topics or you’re worried about your partner’s reaction, jumping right in may not be particularly helpful — or even possible. You may find that a sexual checklist or a Want/Will/Won’t chart makes the discussion easier. Sexual checklists are commonly used within the BDSM community, but you can find more general ones as well. If you’re interested in creating a Want/Will/Won’t chart, Dr. Lindsey Doe created a very informative video on the topic here. Both of these can provide you with a lot of conversation starters, and serve as great tools for learning about each other’s sexuality.

Responding to Negative Reactions

If you can tell that the conversation is not going in a positive direction, do not force it. Keep in mind that while you have probably had years to think about your fantasy, it may be a novel idea for your partner. They may need time to get comfortable with the information. They also may never be comfortable with it. How you handle this depends on why you wanted to share your fantasies in the first place. If you were primarily looking for greater emotional intimacy, let your partner know that. Stress that you shared this part of yourself out of trust and/or love. If they have questions later, that’s great, but reassure them that you do not expect them to make your fantasies a reality. On the other hand, if this is something that you find necessary to experience, then you may have to ask yourself if this relationship is right for you.

Popular BDSM Erotica: Damaged & Diluted

Posted by

1

What images come to mind when you think of BDSM practitioners? Do you picture a loving, committed couple in the privacy of their own bedroom or a strict, leather clad Dominatrix in a public dungeon? Are they plagued by mental illness or are they leading happy, healthy lives volunteering at your local soup kitchen? Or do you envision a group so diverse that it can include any combination of these and more? 

Some time ago, I read an article in Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures called “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in the U.S. Popular Media” by Margot D. Weiss.1 While the entire book was one that I would highly recommend, this entry in particular really stuck with me. Why? Because Weiss much more eloquently states what I have been thinking for years: more media representation does NOT necessarily lead to a more widespread acceptance or understanding of BDSM. Quality over quantity, people.

Weiss makes her case by pointing out two ways that BDSM is often portrayed: (1) by “normalizing” and (2) by “pathologizing” the behavior. While her article deals specifically with the film Secretary, I couldn’t help but also apply what Weiss was saying to the recent trend of BDSM erotica. Here, the act of “normalizing” makes a moderate amount of sense from a business standpoint. The target market for erotica largely overlaps with romance paperbacks. The classic BDSM storyline where a girl enters into a 24/7 power exchange (with intense training & canes that cause bruising welts) scares a lot of those readers. Therefore, in order to sell more books, authors substitute a diluted version of BDSM that feels risky to the vanilla crowd, but ends at blindfolds and handcuffs. (Some, like E.L. James, even have their “Dominant” abandon BDSM once they fall in love, replacing it with a desire for marriage and children.)

Although this limited view is somewhat annoying, it’s Weiss’ research on “pathologizing” that worries me the most, because it senslessly threatens the BDSM community. The most popular example is, of course, E.L. James’ Fifty Shades Trilogy. Christian’s backstory includes being physically abused as a child as well as sexually manipulated as a teenager by a much older woman. He goes into therapy, admits that he basically beats women that remind him of his mother, and believes that his penchant for BDSM is a disease that Ana cures him of. Ana backs this belief up by constantly wondering how bad his past was to make him like the things that he does. Wow. While the BDSM community and many psychologists are working to revise the DSM’s criteria for sadomasochism, this nonsense is making the bestseller’s list.

We can’t even try to pretend that Fifty Shades is an isolated incident. What Happens After Dark by Jasmine Haynes is about a girl who was abused by her father. She uses BDSM to cope, engaging in potentially dangerous behavior with strangers. In Bared to You by Sylvia Day, both Gideon and Eva are victims of past abuse. Eva was sexually violated by a member of her family, Gideon by a childhood doctor. Their past abuse makes their passion more “raw and intense.” 

These representations “enforce the boundaries between normal and not normal,” says Weiss. It leads to wrongful assumptions and discrimination. Court cases against those involved in BDSM are not a thing of the past. Individuals are still at risk for losing friends, lovers, family members, and careers because of a sexual behavior that others have deemed as “sick.” And in a time when erotica could easily be used to further the cause of sexual freedom with respectful, knowledgeable, and sex positive depictions, many authors are perpetuating an outdated view of the damaged individual who practices BDSM that is mildly kinky at best — and abusive at worst.

1. Margot D. Weiss. 2006. “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in U.S. Popular Media.” Journal of Homosexuality 50(2/3): 103-130.

You can also find an electronic copy of the article here.

IU Sexploration – Fall 2013 (Part Two)

Posted by

0

Incase you missed it, I discuss anthropologist Helen Fisher, erotic photographer Barbara Nitke, & “hooking up” in Part One.

11/4 – Dr. Kand McQueen: Breaking the Gender Dichotomy: Why Two Are Definitely Not Enough

McQueen is a public speaker spreading knowledge & societal acceptance of individuals who do not neatly fit into the categories of “male” or “female” in sex and/or gender. At this event, McQueen presented a brief overview of different transgender identities that people often confuse: cross dressers (dress as opposite sex), drag queens/kings (perform/entertain as opposite sex), gender queer (identify as neither, both, or moving between sex/gender), and transsexual (identify as the opposite sex).

Transsexual rights, or the lack thereof, were also addressed. McQueen shared stories that broke my heart; terrible injustices done to human beings simply because their gender wasn’t male OR female. For example, Robert Eads, whose experience was documented in the film Southern Comfort, was a female-to-male transsexual individual diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Because of societal concerns, over two dozen doctors denied him treatment, allowing the cancer to spread and cause his death. Unfortunately, his story is but one of many.

Despite the fact that intersex condition rates may be as high as 1 in every 100, the rights of intersex individuals are rarely talked about. McQueen addressed them directly. For those unfamiliar with the term, “intersex” is used when chromosomal or anatomical variation occurs, complicating the biological distinction between male or female. Historically, doctors have often been the ones to decide which sex the child should be raised as…and their decisions have not always been healthy for the children in question. For years, biological boys born with what is called a “micropenis” (exactly what it sounds like) would have their penis and testicles amputated and be raised as girls. Doctors would then advise parents to keep this a secret, even from their child. Talk about being confused about what’s happening with your body. Plus, early surgery like this can drastically reduce genital sensitivity, robbing individuals of sexual pleasure — for life!

Overall, McQueen’s keynote address (including personal narrative) promoted education, acceptance, and social justice in a very candid and accessible manner. For a thought provoking experience on gender identity, I would highly suggest attending or scheduling a talk by Dr. Kand McQueen.

11/20 – How to Survive a Plague (Screening and Q&A with director David France)

If you keep up to date on film news, you may have heard about this Oscar-nominated documentary on the AIDS epidemic. How to Survive a Plague follows two New York-based organizations, ACT UP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power) and TAG (Treatment Action Group), and their fight to find an effective treatment for HIV/AIDS.  First-time director David France had just moved into NY when the epidemic began. Although he never contracted HIV himself, he dedicated this film to the lover that he lost to the disease. Combining his own footage with clips from media coverage and other members in ACT UP & TAG, France created a raw portrayal of minority struggle and community activism.

As part of a generation that was born in the middle of the AIDS crisis, I wholeheartedly believe that every 20-something should see this movie. It’s a part of history that should not be forgotten, but yet the story has ceased to be told. Growing up, I never heard about how the government largely ignored AIDS until it was out of control and had already killed thousands. I never knew how many people in positions of power openly spoke out against AIDS victims like they didn’t even deserve to live. And I never saw the diversity of people affected or involved, because in the rural Midwest “AIDS is a gay man’s disease.” (This still seems widely believed, despite the fact that globally, more than half of the people living with HIV/AIDS are women.)

AIDS awareness and prevention continue to be overlooked in sex education and the media. That condoms don’t protect against HIV or that AIDS can be transmitted through saliva — or even by shaking hands — are just some of the still prevalent paranoid myths. On the other hand, some complacent individuals view AIDS as a battle that has already been won. (The NY Times recently reported on the increased rates of unprotected sex among gay men and how this nonchalance may factor in.) The sad truth is this: there is no vaccine and millions die every year because they cannot access or afford treatment. Despite the need to focus on prevention instead of damage control, I almost never hear about the amazing new discoveries that have been made or are still developing, like the pre- and post- exposure prophylaxis or the contraceptive vaginal ring with HIV and herpes protection that is scheduled for clinical testing in 2014.

If you have Netflix, How to Survive a Plague is available for streaming at the time of this post. Watch it. Learn about the amazing activists who made a difference. If you feel inspired, check to see if an ACT UP chapter or another organization dedicated to fighting HIV/AIDS is near you.