Vote For Kinkly’s 2014 Sex Superheroes

Hello everyone!

It’s that time of year…Kinkly.com is compiling their second annual list of Top Sex Bloggers! If you’re not familiar with the contest, it’s a voter-based competition to rank the best bloggers writing about sex — in any form or fashion (erotica, sex toy reviews, sex education, etc). This year, Lelo has also offered a $500 cash prize to the blogger who claims the #1 spot!

Kinkly’s sex blogger directory is a fantastic resource. It offers a one-stop reference for readers to discover talented writers, while providing bloggers with an easy way to reach a wider audience. With nearly 250 blogs, it’s a truly impressive list! There’s no limit to the number of blogs that you can vote for, but you can only vote for each blogger once. (You don’t even have to create an account or share your e-mail address. Simply click on the blogger’s name to go to their individual page and look for the ‘Click Here to Vote’ button.) The last day to vote is October 15th!

As a fairly new blogger, I don’t anticipate a whole lot of votes. Still, if you enjoy what I do here and want to show your support, please consider taking a moment to vote for me. Every little bit is greatly appreciated.

And if you’re looking for some awesome sex blogs, here’s a list of the bloggers who got my vote this year:

An Introduction to Sex Toy Safety

When I set out to buy my first sex toy, I was not an educated shopper. All I knew was that (1) I wanted to purchase from a brick-and-mortar store, so that I could actually see the size of the toy in front of me. And (2) I wanted something cheap, because I had no idea if I would actually like it. Needless to say, I wasted a lot of money on cheaply made and potentially dangerous shit. I’ve had the coating of vibrators begin to flake and fall off. I’ve had a couple of toys get mysterious dark stains, which I now know were probably signs of mold. One bullet that I bought only lasted about 5 minutes before it over-heated to the point that it completely fried the battery components. And I’ve experienced some mild vaginal burning from a toy that later started to disintegrate in a puddle of it’s own goo.

Gross, right?

I now know that in a society where almost everything is government regulated, sex toys are not. There are no government laboratories testing your dildos to make sure that they will not cause chemical burn or that your anal plug has a base wide enough to not get lost in your colon. Instead, most sex toy companies can choose to label their items as “novelties,” meaning that if they aren’t officially made for use, it doesn’t matter how unsafe they are. It also means that companies can get away with not disclosing what their products are made from — or even flat-out lying about it.

There are many individuals in the sex positive community (including educators, bloggers, shop owners, quality toy manufacturers, etc) who are aware of this and are advocating for change. However, the vast majority of the masses are still uninformed. There is a stigma surrounding sex toy use — even though 52.5% of women and 44.8% of men have reported using a vibrator alone or with a partner. People are hesitant to talk about their sex toys, even if their experience has been a positive one. But what about if their experience was painful or they became physically ill? As a wonderful fellow sex blogger once said…

Generally speaking, there are two things that can make a sex toy unsafe: porosity and toxicity.

Porosity

Porosity simply means that the material has pores (tiny holes which allow liquid or air to pass through). For a sex toy, which comes into contact with bodily fluids and sensitive mucous membranes time and time again, the major concern of porosity is the growth of bacteria. Over time, mildew, mold, and fungus can all start growing on and inside of these toys. (This is especially likely if they are not washed straight away or if they are not thoroughly dry before being stored.) Because they essentially absorb what they come into contact withporous toys cannot be shared. They cannot be used both vaginally and anally. And they cannot be used while experiencing any sort of genital infection.

It’s important to realize that even if you wash a porous toy, you will have not removed the chance of introducing harmful bacteria to your body. There is no way to completely clean or sterilize a porous sex toy. Therefore, to minimize risk, using a condom with these toys is recommended.

Toxicity

There seems to be some recent controversy over using the term “toxic.” Some say that it scares individuals who are not knowledgeable about sex toys and shames those who own unsafe ones. Others, like myself, believe that ugly practices deserve ugly words and that consumers need to know the truth.

A toy may be “toxic” for a variety of reasons. Phthalates (chemicals added to plastics to make them softer and more flexible) usually get the most attention. Phthalates “off-gas” into their environment, meaning that they are released into the air that you breathe. If you’ve ever gotten a headache from the strong odor of a new vinyl shower curtain or that “new car smell,” you’ve got phthalates to thank. If phthalates are in a sex toy (which comes into contact with mucous membranes of the genitalia), they could also leach into your body and/or cause skin irritation. (Research is lacking on whether condoms can provide adequate protection.)

Research is ongoing about the potential harmful effects of these chemicals. It appears that with high levels of exposure, some phthalates may be linked to liver/kidney damage as well as negative effects on neurological & reproductive health. One specific phthalate that has been found in sex toys, Di(2-ethylhexyl) phthalate (or DEHP), “may reasonably be anticipated to be a human carcinogen” according to the Department of Health & Human Services. Because of this risk, many countries (including the U.S.) have banned children’s toys that include more than 0.1% DEHP in their chemical make-up. Now compare that to the 63% that a Berlin laboratory found in a vibrator.

Unfortunately, phthalates and leaky toys aren’t even the only things we have to worry about. In 2006, the Dutch EPA found arsenic, antimony, lead, & cadmium in the sex toys that they tested. I don’t know about you, but I find that very disturbing. 

Which materials are body-safe and which should you avoid?

I’ll do individual posts on these materials in the future, but for now, here is a basic breakdown.

Non-Porous & Non-Toxic

  • Silicone
  • ABS/Hard plastic
  • Glass, Ceramic, & Sealed Wood (However, not all ceramic glazes or wood finishes are body safe.)
  • Stainless Steel & Aluminum

Questionable or Dangerous

  • Thermoplastic Rubber or Elastomer (TPR/TPE)
    • Usually free of phthalates, but can be porous or non-porous (medical grade).
  • “Realistic” materials (ex: Cyberskin)
    • Porous & may contain phthalates.
  • PVC, Rubber, Latex, & “Jelly”
    • Porous & usually contains phthalates.

It’s important to know that these cheaply made toys from the bottom section are also often unstable and can begin to break-down within a short amount of time. They may develop an oily or greasy sheen on the outside of the toy or even drastically melt (especially when in contact with similar toys). If you want to see some disgusting examples, check out Dangerous Lilly’s, BadVibes’, and BexTalksSex’s jars of melted toys.

Remember that toy companies can and do lie. Even if product packaging or an online description says that a toy is silicone or “phthalates free,” it may not be. And many items sold cheaply on marketplaces such as Amazon turn out to be unsafe counterfeits. Before you buy, do your research on the manufacturer and the retailer. There are many amazing companies out there who are dedicated to producing and selling body-safe products and, in my opinion, those are the ones that deserve our money and support.


If you would like more information on sex toy safety, I highly suggest checking out Dangerous Lilly‘s posts and the posts of other bloggers that she has linked to here

Confession: My Sex Life Isn’t Perfect

I’m always in the mood for sex & it’s always amazing.

As I increasingly share my work as a sex blogger (or an aspiring sex educator) to more individuals, I become much more aware of the winking smiles and subtle comments about how lucky my partner is. Call me naïve, but I didn’t realize how pervasive this “nympho” stereotype was for women like me. I didn’t realize that simply because I was more open about my sexuality and have worked very hard to educate myself, that my personal experiences in the bedroom would be glorified to those around me. And I certainly didn’t anticipate that I would begin to internalize other people’s expectations for my own sex life.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve actually had a lower than “normal” libido.

The truth is, my sex life is not always full of rainbows and bunnies (i.e. reliable, mind-blowing orgasms from the near-constant sex I’m having). Sure, the fact that I’m knowledgeable about sex and comfortable discussing it means that my partner and I are able to communicate very effectively. We’re not shy about telling each other what we want/need, and I’m sure that does make our sex life more pleasurable than some other couples’. However, we are two real people in a real relationship, and no part of life is perfect.

We’ve been together for four years and sometimes work/school, bills, and our two fur-children simply wear us down. Certain oral contraceptives have both increased my depression and decreased my libido. Sometimes we might go a couple of weeks without having sex and I don’t even realize it. And sometimes when we do have sex, fireworks just aren’t there.

If I’m not interested in sex, I have failed as a romantic/sexual partner.

I’ve put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself over the last couple of years. When I first noticed that my libido wasn’t what it used to be, I would consent to sex without really desiring it. (Eventually my partner called me out on it and asked me to stop.) I have tried so hard to get in the mood only to end the night in tears, because I “failed” and feel broken. And I’ve often found myself worrying that I’m more interested in learning about sex than I am about actually having it.

Through all of this, my partner has been the only other person to know how guilty I feel for not wanting to have sex all the time. He knows that when I try to joke about being a “bad girlfriend,” I’m trying to make light of how I actually feel. He has seen my insecurities get the best of me when I worry that my lower sex drive will eventually cause him to leave our life together — despite his multiple reassurances. Until now, I have been way too embarrassed and ashamed to ever let that imperfect part of my sex life show outside of our relationship.

Part of being sex positive is accepting myself & my sexuality — even when it’s not sensational.

This summer, I shared a couple of videos on my Twitter. In one, Kitty Stryker talks about having a low libido and the realities of not-so-great sex. In the other, Sarah talks about how she has learned to accept that she doesn’t have a very high sex drive. I watched these videos and was amazed at how perfectly these two women expressed my own insecurities and concerns.

Then Penny wrote a blog post on “Sex Blogger Life,” and her first point was that she wasn’t a nympho. And Beck wrote her own Wicked Wednesday post, sharing that she is also a real person in a real relationship that isn’t just about sex. I want to thank both of them for their honesty and openness. It was very comforting to relate to fellow bloggers in this way, and I realized that I had fallen into the same trap as many of my friends. I had been concentrating on other bloggers’ erotically written intimate experiences, amazing masturbatory sessions, and seemingly endless orgasms…unfairly comparing myself to sexual ideals.

There’s a sexual rule of thumb that I discovered while reading Secrets from the Sex Lab by Judy Dutton that has helped to take some pressure off sex. Therapist Paula Hall has dubbed it the “2-6-2 Rule” and it basically means that out of every 10 times you have sex, 2 will be absolutely amazing, 2 will be so bland you wonder why you thought it was a good idea, and the other 6 will be somewhere in between. So while I am still trying to actively rediscover the joys of sexual experience (through self-pleasure, foreplay, toy reviews, blogging, etc), I know that I can only do that by learning to relax. I have to stop expecting every sexual encounter to be mind-blowing (and blaming myself when it’s not). I have to stop obsessing over the frequency that my partner and I have sex. Most of all, I have to embrace my own unique sexuality — whatever that may be.

If I refuse to judge others for their sexual choices, why have I been judging myself?

Sex Soundtrack: BDSM

Work has been very stressful for the past couple of weeks, and while I finally feel like I’m making some progress on that front, I’m still trying to spend most of my free-time on relaxing activities. I’ve started working on a more substantial post for next week, but in the meantime, I figured I would try something a little different and share some of my favorite songs about BDSM.

“In Your Room” by Depeche Mode

In your room
Where souls disappear
Only you exist here
Will you lead me to your armchair
Or leave me lying here
Your favourite innocence
Your favourite prize
Your favourite smile
Your favorite slave”

A list like this just wouldn’t be complete without Depeche Mode. Although “Master & Servant” usually gets top spot on every BDSM music list, several of their other songs have an overlying theme of sexual power dynamics as well. And while I love “Master & Servant” for everyday listening, I enjoy the slow and sensual feel of “In Your Room” much more for actual intimacy.

“Discipline” by Nine Inch Nails

“I see you left a mark
Up and down my skin
I don’t know where I end
And where you begin

I need your discipline”

Trent Reznor certainly knows how to create powerful sex music. And while “Closer” usually gets all the attention, elements of Dominance & submission can be found in quite a few other songs as well — whether in a sexual context or not. “Discipline” is a recent favorite of mine, because if interpreted as being about D/s, the focus falls on the emotional side of a relationship rather than the purely physical/sexual.

“I’m Your Man” by Leonard Cohen

“If you want a lover 
I’ll do anything you ask me to 
And if you want another kind of love 
I’ll wear a mask for you”

Okay, I know that this song doesn’t have the kinkiest lyrics. But thanks to the movie Secretary, it will always make me think of James Spader as Mr. E. Edward Grey and send shivers down my spine. Plus, Cohen’s voice is so gravelly and deep that you can practically feel it reverberating through your body, which is an awful nice touch.

“Pain Makes You Beautiful” by Judybats

“No sorrow tied
Tied to my hurting you
To the compromising position to all the painful things I do

Pain makes you beautiful
I give you what you want, the pain and the pleasure”

I accidentally stumbled upon this song recently… and I became a little bit obsessed with it. It’s such a peppy, upbeat tune that really seems to embody the playful nature of BDSM and the connection between partners. This song doesn’t make it seem like it’s dark or taboo — just another way for people to enjoy themselves sexually. (Although there is a line about “not being good for you” that I wrinkle my nose at and choose to ignore.)

“The Power is Mine” by Lords of Acid

“Dance the dance of lovers
I don’t need no other
To ride the waves of pleasure and pain
Come on boy obey me
Lick my boots to please me
Maybe I will loosen your chains”

With the exception of the classic “Venus in Furs” by Velvet Underground, I don’t know of many songs about female dominance. I love the dual points of perspective in this song — switching between the submissive male’s spoken word and the more sensual & hypnotic dominant female. And although Lords of Acid are somewhat known for their raunchy sexual lyrics, this song is surprisingly clean for the subject matter.

“Little Whip” by Danzig

“You crawl across the floor
On your hands and knees
To seek revelation
Little whip
I pull you up
I grab your hair
I give you hope
Little whip”

Danzig is no stranger to incorporating BDSM into his lyrics and music videos. In fact, the video for “Wicked Pussycat” was what first caught my attention about him. And while his wailing certainly isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, this song is incredibly sexy if you enjoy it (or can at least look past it). The way that it starts out so seductively slow is simply perfect.

Others:

“Games” by Ayria

“Monologue” by She Wants Revenge (A lot of their other songs have the same dark, sexual feel to them.)

“Breath Control” by Recoil (Obligatory Warning: Breath play can be very dangerous.)

“S&M” by Rihanna

“Fun with Ropes” by The Go Go’s 

“I Wanna Be Your Dog” by Iggy Pop & The Stooges

“Hurricane” by 30 Seconds to Mars (For the video more so than the lyrics.)


Tell me: What are your favorite BDSM songs? I love discovering more to add to my playlist!

HedoVibes #59

pennysblog_sport11-300x198Photo courtesy of Penny for Your (Dirty) Thoughts

Welcome to HedoVibes, a collection of reviews and giveaways that were posted in the past week or so from around the web. This is a collection of adult product reviews & contests from real reviewers. If you want to be included in the next edition start with the guidelines, then use the submission form.

Want to read more reviews? Check out HedoVibes for a list of the latest reviews and stellar reviewers. You can also follow on twitter for the latest round ups. HedoVibes is also accepting photo submissions for each edition.

CONTESTS

DILDOS

VIBRATORS

ANAL TOYS

BONDAGE, IMPACT, & FETISH GEAR

LINGERIE & SHOES

EROTIC BOOKS

MISCELLANEOUS

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