Womanizer W500 Pro Review

Posted by

0

You may recall that I once wrote a very snarky review for the Womanizer W100 — perhaps the most kitschy and gender stereotyped sex toy to ever burst onto the “luxury” market. Well, here I am (over three years later!), returning with a much-overdue review of the original Womanizer’s more mature sibling: the (W500) Pro. Although this is an older model that may not be around much longer, it is currently available through Womanizer’s website for a discounted price of $149. 

But before you rush out and snag this deal… I know what you’re all wondering.

Did their design team of preteen girls grow the fuck up or is everything still plastered in leopard print? Does it still glow ragey red and make that gross gurgling noise that sounds like a toy airplane flying through pudding? And most importantly: Does it still make my orgasms sneak up on me, washing over my body and then suddenly drowning me in over-stimulation? 

Aesthetically, the Womanizer W500 Pro is an absolute godsend — compared to the original, at least. Sure, it still looks like a designer ear thermometer, but changing that would be like changing the entire brand at this point.

Womanizer has officially traded in their leopard print and “edgy” tattoo art for much more subdued and mature designs. Mine is red with a rose print, but overall, the company is clearly moving towards solid colors and metallic accents. The gaudy Swarovski crystal button has shrunk to about 1/4th of its original size. And the shape of this model (which actually looks like a conscious design choice now) is shorter, thicker, and more ergonomic at 4.5″ x 2.5″. It even feels nicer; the entire toy is covered in a velvety soft matte finish, instead of having a portion that feels like plain ol’ cheap plastic.

The controls have changed ever-so-slightly, but are even more intuitive and user-friendly. The crystal now acts as the power button, which has to be held for a few seconds to turn the toy on/off. (My only complaint is that it’s a little pointy and can be uncomfortable to press.) The intensity of the toy is controlled by a long chrome button, plainly marked with + and -. This is a huge improvement over the original, as it means that you can actually control the intensity in both directions!

Speaking of intensity, my Pro has a total of 8 settings — adding one super soft mode and one super power mode to the original 6. (Their website states that newer models have 12 settings instead, adding even more variety and control for the user.) 

The Womanizer W500 Pro still uses the same air-pulse technology that feels a whole lot like gentle suction to most people. It’s still made from body-safe and nonporous ABS plastic with replaceable silicone nozzles. It still lights up red in the dark, like a demonic little clit-beacon. And it’s still rechargeable via a mini-USB port. (The toy will flash red when it needs to be charged and flash green while it is charging. Once charged, the green light will remain constant. Womanizer states that a full 2-hour charge can provide up to 240 minutes of use, likely on the lowest setting.)

There is one small improvement though. Womanizer lists the W500 model as being “waterproof IPX7.” What does this mean? It means that the toy can be submerged in water up to 3 feet deep for up to 30 minutes. If you’re a lengthy masturbator like me, I probably wouldn’t use this toy in the bath. (The user manual says not to use the toy for over 15 minutes anyway — but come on.) However, this new rating does make cleaning much simpler.

The Womanizer W500 Pro comes packaged in a sturdy cardboard box, tastefully printed to match and show off the design elements of the toy. Included are 2 silicone nozzles (one standard size and one XL size), a USB charging cord with AC adapter, and a lengthy & sometimes hilarious user manual. (“Wind kiss” is totally a phrase that they use at one point.) Instead of the W100’s awesome soft-shell case, the W500 comes with a simple satin storage bag.

I wanted to provide you all with a detailed comparison between the Womanizer W100 and my newer W500 Pro for this review. Unfortunately, it appears that my original has died in storage sometime over the last few months/years. (It still blinks like it is charging, but never actually completes a charge or turns on. I suppose that you can tell how often I’ve actually gone back and used it.) So instead, I will be forced to rely on vague memories and my last review.

The most noticeable improvement for me is definitely the increased control over the Womanizer W500 Pro’s intensity. My main problem with the W100 was that there was no way to slowly decrease the pulsing power. It would unsuspectingly rip my orgasms out of me and then end them with torturous over-stimulation. The whole experience may have had some pleasurable undertones, but it inevitably made my masturbation sessions feel surreal and incomplete.

The buildup with the Womanizer W500 Pro can still be a little frustrating. The air pulses feel like gentle fluttering vibrations (thuddier on lower levels, but incredibly fast on higher ones).  Attempting to get the nozzle in the perfect position around my clitoris — and keep it there — is near impossible, and I still liken it to oral sex; a constant teasing dance of hitting the right spot and then losing it before ultimately reaching a mind-shattering orgasm. Of course, if I max out the intensity, I can force an orgasm in about 60 seconds. But doing that also drastically increases my chances of over-stimulation.

And that’s exactly what makes the Pro so much better than the original: my orgasms do not always have to end with uncomfortable disappointment. It has taken some practice, but because I am now able to slowly back off the intensity, I can often ride out my orgasms in a more natural fashion. If I’m being careful, I can even succeed in having multiples without needing to rip the toy away from my body. I feel satiated instead of frustrated; it just takes some masturbation mindfulness that I’m not always willing to give. 

A few other things to note…

For my body, I couldn’t tell much of a difference in the nozzle sizes. The XL only seemed to muffle the sensation a little bit, but not necessarily in a way that helped me avoid overstimulation.

I also can’t say for sure if the noise level is exactly the same as the W100, but from the size of my cat’s tail and the freaked out look on his face, I can certainly say that it can be…unsettlingly loud. In fact, I would compare this model to an idling truck — or god forbid that you don’t get the nozzle settled quite right against your skin, an industrial fan. Rarely does a sex toy’s noise make a difference to me (I am, after all, a Hitachi Super Fan), but it’s probably my least favorite thing about this version. The Womanizer website boasts a “silent mode” for newer models, and I am very curious to know if it actually makes a difference.

Because air pulsing stimulation is a unique and sometimes frustrating beast, I’m not sure if my overall recommendation differs much from the original Womanizer.

Despite the fact that the Pro offers more intensity settings and better control, it may still be too overwhelming for individuals who do not enjoy pinpoint clitoral stimulation. However, I will say that this model was a definite improvement. If you already know that you like these types of toys, but maybe haven’t played around with one since the Womanizer W100, this could be a good upgrade for you. For me, I’m glad that I have this toy around (especially since my original died), but realistically I know that I won’t reach for it often. Wand vibrators are just more my style. 

If you still haven’t made up your mind, I highly recommend checking out Lilly’s Womanizer & Satisfyer Comparison Guide (as she includes many other models) and reviews for newer Womanizer toys such as the Classic, Premium, Starlet, Duo, and Liberty. The sex toy world is constantly evolving and I certainly haven’t kept up with it as well as other bloggers have in the last couple of years. 

Pros: innovative air technology, unique sensation, pinpoint clitoral stimulation, body-safe & nonporous, 8 intensity settings, easy to turn down intensity, removable nozzle tips for easy cleaning, somewhat waterproof, rechargeable

Cons: horrible name, makes loud & weird gurgling noise, nozzle glows red (can be distracting for some), can still provide overwhelming clitoral stimulation, expensive gamble, older model

Huge thanks to Womanizer for providing me with this product in exchange for an honest & unbiased review. 

Fun Factory Lady Bi Review

Posted by

0

The Fun Factory Lady Bi is a dual stimulation vibrator most commonly known as a “rabbit.” If you’ve somehow been living under a rock since the Great Rabbit Obsession of 1998 (sparked by a problematic “sex toy addiction” episode of Sex and the City), a rabbit is an internal vibrator that has an additional arm for external clitoral pleasure.

Sounds great, right?

There’s just one little problem… Everyone’s genitals are different! 

Many individuals have purchased rabbit vibes only to get home, cozy up in a nest of blankets, and sadly realize that the clitoral arm does NOT match their anatomy. Maybe it’s too short and only vaguely brushes against their clit, like a socially awkward stranger who sneaks past in a crowded room. Or maybe it’s too long and rests atop their mons pubis like a vibrating beached whale. Maybe the shape and position is just awkward enough that it jabs and pokes the clit like an emergency (failed) orgasm button.

My point is: Rabbits are tricky — and this is no exception.

Fun Factory Lady BiThe Lady Bi reminds me of a flower, mostly because of the petal-like appearance of its clitoral arm and a few gentle ridges along the slightly curved shaft. Overall, the toy is of fairly average size, but the proportions can be a little surprising. For example, the total length is approximately 8.75″ but only 4.75″ of that is insertable due to the large handle and the position of the clitoral arm. The diameter also increases quite suddenly, starting at less than 1″ and maxing out at approximately 1.75″ before it briefly dips back down again.

The clitoral arm is 1.75″ long and it branches out from the shaft at approximately a 50° angle. However, it’s important to note that the arm is made to be flexible and will extend to at least a 70° angle with minimal force or pressure. (I was a little nervous to push it any further.) This should allow for more comfort when used with a variety of unique bodies.

As per Fun Factory standards, the Lady Bi is both body-safe & nonporous. It is made from hard ABS plastic covered with a layer of matte silicone. The silicone itself is fairly tough, giving the toy very minimal squish but maintaining a surprising amount of flexibility. It’s available in 3 colors: violet (pictured here), ultramarine blue, and india red. Although I love how velvety smooth the silicone finish is, I have noticed that it creates a fair amount of drag during insertion (add more lube!) and it likes to attract a lot of dust, hair, & lint in storage.

The glossy white plastic handle is one of Fun Factory‘s signature styles. It has a hollow chrome-plated center, giving you more options on how to comfortably hold the toy during use. It also has 3 buttons for controlling the vibrations of both motors. The bottom button is the famous red FUN button, which simply turns the toy on & off. The middle button controls the motor in the shaft and the top button controls the motor in the arm.

Fun Factory Lady Bi - ChargerEach of these 2 buttons cycle through 6 vibration modes, starting with 3 steady intensities before switching to various rhythms/pulsation patterns. The manual also describes ways to travel lock the toy. (Lock = holding down the FUN button + the shaft button. Unlock = holding down the FUN button + the arm button.) You can even “save” your favorite vibration combination by holding down the FUN button for 3 seconds. This way, the Lady Bi will remember that specific setting the next time you turn it on — rather than starting from scratch on the factory settings. (You can later remove this saved setting by holding the FUN button for 6 seconds.)

The Lady Bi is completely waterproof and rechargeable via a magnetic USB cable. (Fun Factory does not include an AC charging adapter, but you can add one to your order at SheVibe for an additional $7.) According to the user manual, this vibrator does take a painfully long 8 hours to complete a full charge — and that only gave me approximately 35 minutes, running both motors on high. This seems so abysmal that I’m wondering if mine is actually faulty.

Because I received this product as a special review item from SheVibe, I do not have the official packaging to photograph. However, I can honestly say that I have never been disappointed with the quality of Fun Factory’s package designs. (Check out my reviews for both the Bootie & the Bouncer if that sort of thing is important to you.)

Although my review will focus on using this toy vaginally, I do want to point out that this vibrator is also anal safe. The arm will essentially act as a “base” & prevent the toy from accidentally being pulled into the booty during use. So despite the gendered name & much of the marketing heavily implying that it is solely a vaginal/clitoral vibrator, definitely don’t write the Lady Bi off if your anatomy doesn’t match. It can totally be used to stimulate the anus & the perineum instead!

Fun Factory Lady Bi - flex

First of all, I want to rejoice in the SURPRISING fact that this rabbit vibrator actually reaches my clitoris! This is a first for me, as most dual-stimulation toys seem to fall just a wee-bit too short for my anatomy. (The distance from my vaginal opening to my clitoris is approximately 1.25 inches.) I won’t lie; it’s a little validating to finally find a toy that doesn’t treat my genitals like an anomaly. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that using the Fun Factory Lady Bi is without its issues.

It still takes a lot of effort to position the toy in a way that creates orgasm-inducing pleasure. I usually have to spread my inner labia out of the way and use the surrounding skin to gently pull my clitoral hood up as well. Only then does the arm come into direct contact with my clit in a way that makes my nerve endings stand up and shout. If I need to use my hand for something else (like holding my phone to watch porn) or if it simply starts cramping up, I am left with only one other option: shove the Lady Bi in as far as it will go & smash the arm against my clit as much as possible. Not exactly an efficient (or super comfortable) form of masturbation.

However, none of that bothers me quite as much as the insertable portion of this vibrator — and it’s hard to describe exactly what I don’t like about it. The issues are all tiny & inconsequential on their own, but together they seem to create a laundry list of annoyance.

The insertable length feels awkwardly too short. The slight upward curve does nothing to actually reach or massage my G-spot (let alone my deeper A-spot, like the toy’s marketing material sometimes claims). This disconnect with anything remotely pleasurable inside of my vagina is even more pronounced because I have to aim the toy slightly towards my back in order to use the clitoral arm. And let’s not forget the sudden 1.75″ bulge that I mentioned earlier. When I insert the toy deep enough to receive clitoral stimulation, that firm & unforgiving bulge rests uncomfortably at the entrance of my vagina; not exactly a location that I enjoy feeling stretched. 

But those vibrations!

Fun Factory Lady Bi - manuals

The vibrations in the Lady Bi‘s internal motor completely save this toy. They are deep & rumbly and they easily travel through my body, making up for how the shape fails me. Without any effort, the vibrations stimulate my internal clitoris in the most glorious ways. Although I still prefer the highest steady vibration mode, I can also reach orgasm relatively easily on the middle setting. (Something that is not incredibly common for me.) And I love using the tip of the internal portion as an external clit vibe too.

Granted, the motor in the clitoral arm cannot compete. It is weak & buzzy on its own and it tickles or numbs my clit more than anything else. But the main internal motor is so strong that the vibrations actually travel through the clitoral arm and provide a more pleasurable sensation than that second motor can on its own. And if I have both motors maxed out, my genitals become overwhelmed by vibrations and I love it.

(It’s important to note that because of how strong the vibrations are, they also travel through the hard plastic handle very well. This isn’t something that I usually notice, but my hand becomes incredibly numb & tingly after using this toy. It’s still not a deal breaker for me, but it could be for others.)

Fun Factory Lady BiI have to be in the right mood to use the Fun Factory Lady Bi. I need to be craving lazy stationary masturbation, where I don’t thrust against my G-spot with wild abandon. (Thrusting with the Lady Bi breaks my body’s contact with the clitoral arm and interrupts my pleasure.) I need to desire an orgasm that is brought upon me by a toy, with minimal effort of my own — but also with internal stimulation, ruling out my beloved & very trusted wands.

When I am in the right mood and the stars do align, the Lady Bi actually provides me with some of the strongest & longest orgasms that I have ever encountered. Amazingly, none of the stimulation is so strong or direct that I need to pull away prematurely. Instead, I get to ride the waves of an orgasm that seems to keep going for minutes. And that’s pretty impressive.

Overall, I am surprisingly impressed with this toy — even if it won’t be one that I reach for consistently. But as a reviewer, it would be irresponsible of me to blindly recommend any rabbit vibrator to others simply because of the issue of varying anatomies. If you’re like me, a $150+ sex toy is not something that you want to take a giant risk on. It’s much easier to find two toys that you genuinely enjoy — one for internal use & one for external. (Plus, you’ll get to mix & match later!)

If you are still determined to find a good rabbit vibrator, money is not an issue, and similar toys have been too short & stubby to reach your clitoris, the Lady Bi may possibly work for you like it does for me. I’d still recommend measuring the distance between your vagina & your clit and comparing that with the specifications of this toy though. And above all, try to temper your expectations.

Pros: body-safe & nonporous silicone, anal safe, rechargeable, waterproof, multiple vibration settings/patterns, dual stimulation, easy-to-use controls, incredibly strong & rumbly vibrations in the internal motor

Cons: rabbits are inherently problematic for all unique bodies, expensive gamble, proportions may feel awkward, clitoral arm has buzzy vibrations, long charge time and potentially short play time

Huge thanks to my lovely affiliate, SheVibe, for providing me with this toy in exchange for an honest & unbiased review. If you’re interested in purchasing the Fun Factory Lady Bi, you can find it here. 

Nalone Electro Wand Review

Posted by

0

Nalone Electro WandThe Nalone Electro Wand is a 2-in-1 sex toy. It doubles as both your standard wand-style vibrator and an e-stim toy — emitting electromagnetic pulses through a thin metal ring that circles the head of the wand.

It is relatively small for a wand massager, measuring approximately 1.5″ at its widest point and less than 9″ long. Made from silicone and ABS plastic, the vibrator should be both nonporous & body-safe. Its hot pink silicone has a nice matte finish that is velvety soft to the touch & doesn’t attract much dust or lint. In contrast, the ABS plastic has a super-shiny chrome effect that (in my opinion) only serves to look cheap, tacky, and potentially unsafe for internal use.

The toy boasts 2 separate vibration motors: one in the head and another in the handle. It is rechargeable via a small “self-healing silicone” port (a charging connection that doesn’t require a protective cover). The manual claims 2.5 hours of use for every 3-hour charge. It is also listed as being 100% waterproof, which I assume is primarily for cleaning; combining water + electro sex toys personally gives me pause.

The Electro Wand has a somewhat complicated 4-button control system… and it doesn’t help that my experience differs from what the user manual claims.

Nalone Electro Wand - buttons

  • The top button [lightning bolt + wedge] cycles through 3 electromagnetic intensity levels. (The manual claims that this button cycles through 5 electromagnetic “modes” but I don’t feel any difference aside from strength.)
  • The second button [lightning bolt power symbol] turns on/off the electromagnetic function. (The manual claims that this button also cycles through the strength of the pulses, but it only appears to function as the power switch for me.)
  • The 3rd button [wand head + squiggle] controls the vibration motor in the head of the wand: turning it on/off and cycling through 7 different modes.
  • The bottom button [downward arrow + squiggle] controls the motor in the handle of the wand: also turning it on/off and cycling through the 7 modes.

The product packaging is simple and tasteful, even if the quality does feel a bit like dollar store luxury. The toy arrives in a baby pink cardboard box covered with a black slipcase. (The slipcase features images of the toy as well as product specs.) Inside, the vibrator is cushioned by a foam insert covered in white satin. Also included is a purple velvet travel/storage pouch, USB charging cord, user manual, 1-year warranty card, and a small Nalone product catalog.

Nalone Electro Wand-1, Mandi-0

Nalone Electro WandThe Nalone Electro Wand & I got off to a bad start. A real bad start.

At first, testing it on my arms & legs produced absolutely zero zappy effects. I could feel a little once I placed my fingers directly on it, and a little more when I added some water-based lube. But overall, it was still widely disappointing and extremely unpredictable. One moment I would feel a light “pins & needles” tickle jumping through my nerves. Then I would move ever so slightly and lose that feeling altogether. And yet somehow, in trying to find it again, I would occasionally be met with a sharp painful jolt. Completely confused, the obvious next step was to rush into testing this toy on my genitals. Wrong! So very, very wrong. 

I shocked the hell out of my clitoris, folks. 

It was easily the most painful second of my entire life and I spent a few additional moments tucked into a ball, rocking back and forth on my bed, whimpering pathetically. Believe me when I say that this is the only toy I was actually happy to avoid when my libido crashed.

But I’m a professional masturbator. So I put on my big (demi)girl panties and charged this fucker up again.

Round Two

First, I spent some time reacquainting myself with the controls and the electromagnetic intensity levels in the palm of my hand. I used a bit of water-based lube, because I still was not able to feel anything without it. (Even on the highest setting, I can hear the electricity more than feel it.)

Nalone Electro Wand - boxWith lube, the lowest setting produces a quick-but-dinstinct pulsing pattern through my skin; beating so fast that it reminds me of a tiny mouse’s heart. When I switch to the middle setting, I experience a brief moment of stabbing pain, followed by what I would compare to a very buzzy vibrator being left on one area of the body for too long. The tingles travel through my fingers, making them feel numb. And every once in a while, my muscles will clench & my hand will freeze up. On the highest setting, I experience a very low level pain practically identical to when part of your body falls asleep but you still force it to move. The tingly numbness remains for a few minutes after I take the Electro Wand away.

Feeling ever-so-slightly confident, I decided to try introducing this toy to my vulva again. I slathered my body and the head of the wand in water-based lube, turned the electromagnetic pulse level to its lowest setting, and started cautiously touching it to my labia. Nothing. I turned it up a notch. I definitely feel it. It tingles in a soft “pins & needles” sort of way; mildly pleasurable on my labia but more painful as I near my clitoris. Once I got accustomed to the sensation, I decided to be brave & max it out on the 3rd setting. It’s hard to explain. It’s like having the blade of a sharp knife traced across the skin. It’s uncomfortable, but not painful. The mindfuck is the worst part, always there to remind me of the that one excruciating moment when I traumatized my clit.

And if I turn the vibrations on, the Electro Wand becomes just another vibrator — and a mediocre one at that. Even on the lowest setting, the vibrations completely mask the electromagnetic pulses. The vibrations are strong(ish), but surface-level. It’s the age-old buzzy vibe conundrum. It takes time to reach orgasm… but the longer I use the vibe, the more my clitoris becomes numb to the sensation.

Why does this thing have 2 motors?!

Nalone Electro WandIt’s important to note that although there is a motor in the handle of the Nalone Electro Wand, it is an incredibly stupid idea. The large seams around the chrome would make insertion uncomfortable for many (and potentially scratch the inside of the vagina). It would be a pain to clean vaginal fluids off the charging port. And the buttons would become useless when buried in labial folds. Not to mention, I’m not entirely convinced that the chrome finish won’t flake off over time. Mine has one tiny chip in it already. And although it is too small to even photograph, I really don’t want that stuff getting left inside of my vagina.

To really drive home the point that this was a giant design mistake, the handle motor feels much weaker than the head. For me, it doesn’t even function as a successful clit vibe.

But Safety Though.

Another thing that I absolutely hate about the Nalone Electro Wand is that the manual mentions e-stim safety exactly ZERO times. Seriously. The “Warnings” and “Safety Recommendations” include things like washing your toy, making sure that it’s fully charged before use, not sharing your toy, and choosing the “most suitable vibration mode for yourself.” I’m not kidding.

Nalone is not a company that specializes in electrosex products. Because of that, they have completely overlooked the importance of providing safety information to customers who are most likely electrosex beginners. When I attempted to contact them for more details (type of current, intensity, frequency, etc), the UK division directed me to their US side of operations — whose website & e-mail are now apparently defunct.Nalone Electro Wand

So, my official sex educator advice is as follows…

To play it safe, adhere to the standard e-stim rules:

  • Do not use this toy on areas above the waist, especially near the brain or heart. (This is hugely important when you have 2+ connection points that can pass an electrical current, but is good beginner’s advice all around.)
  • Do not use this toy if you are pregnant.
  • Do not use this toy if you have a heart condition or any sort of implanted medical device (example: pacemakers).
  • Do not use this toy if you have epilepsy.
  • Do not use this toy on body piercings with metal jewelry.
  • Do not use this toy on open sores or skin abrasions.

For the strength & type of electrical pulse used in this toy, these rules may be overly cautious — but I simply do not know. If you have specific questions about your particular body, try asking your doctor. And if you’re nervous about mentioning kinky sex toys to them (or fear that they won’t have the knowledge to answer those questions), try asking about TENS units — which people often use for pain relief. From my limited e-stim experience with both a cheap Zeus Power Box & the Kinklab Neon Wand, this toy seems to provide sensations that are more similar to TENS units (sharper, deeper-traveling) than they are to milder electrostatic toys (tingly, skin/surface-level).

The sensations produced by the Nalone Electro Wand weren’t terrible (most of the time)… but I also didn’t find them pleasurable. The pulses lean towards the more stabby end of the spectrum for me — especially when compared to my beloved Kinklab Neon Wand. Plus, the electromagnetic ring is so small and the placement against my skin has to be so incredibly precise that it’s just annoying & makes the toy feel inconsistent. (My electrosex-loving partner actually refuses to touch the toy for this reason).

All of this, paired with the mediocre vibrations and the fact that Nalone is irresponsible about educating their customers on basic safety, means that I cannot ethically recommend this toy. There are much higher quality products out there for approximately the same price ($139). My advice would be to try the Neon Wand ($100-150), a Mystim TENS unit (like this one: $160), or a Mystim E-Stim Vibe (like these: $100-150) if you’re interested in venturing into the world of electosex.

Pros: nonporous & body-safe silicone, 2-in-1 toy (vibration + electro) toy, multiple settings, rechargeable, waterproof

Cons: finicky electromagnetic pulses, zero information on electrosex safety, mediocre/buzzy vibrations, confusingly has a second motor in the handle despite the fact that it has large uncomfortable seams, chrome plating may chip off, feels surprisingly cheap for the high price tag

Special thanks to my affiliate, Peepshow Toys, for providing me with this toy in exchange for an honest & unbiased review. They have taken my opinion of this product to heart & have since decided to remove the Nalone Electro Wand from their website…  But you can still check out their selection of Mystim toys instead!

And don’t forget to save 10% off your purchase by using discount code “Mandi” at checkout!

sex educator life

I Quit My Dream Job as a Sex Educator

Posted by

2

sex educator life

Disclaimer: This post focuses on my personal experiences, complete with my own unique opinions, feelings, and interpretation of events that happened. I am a firm believer that there can be more than one truth in a given situation, but this is mine.

About a year and a half ago, a friend of mine shared a job opening with me for a sex educator at a local non-profit. At first, I totally blew it off. Part-time? Working with youth? It reminded me of the old art education days that I clawed my way out of and happily traded in for retail. …But I couldn’t get the position out of my mind; there were so many more ways that it seduced my soul with its perfection.

When I got an e-mail back asking for ideas on how I would approach inclusive & sex-positive lesson plans, I spent an entire day blissed out & buried in reference books. When I received a phone call asking me to come in for an interview, I started giggling & crying in the car. When one of my interviewers nonchalantly said “fuck” during the interview, I smiled inside & knew that I had found a kindred spirit. And when I got woken up with the job offer a few days later (after thinking that I had totally bombed it), I screamed and reached for a calculator to figure out how I could make the transition work. I had finally made it. I was a professional sex educator.

And a couple of months ago… I quit.

Earlier this year, I would have told anyone who asked that I had found my forever job. I was in a rare & magical place that put sex positivity into practice by respecting the sexual autonomy of youth. There were no restrictions on what questions I could answer or advice I could give. I was finally in a place that felt good & right and, even though there were struggles, my only hope was to turn this into a lifelong full-time gig. We even bought a house because settling down here seemed suddenly inevitable.

Looking back, I realize that I shouldn’t have been so naive. I see the struggles that should have been red flags. Every instance of hope that was demolished and faith that was misplaced stands out in stark contrast. And maybe I’m bitter and angry and heartbroken still… but I simply can’t believe that the work environment or the actions that were taken there are normal. Not for any organization — but especially not one that proudly proclaims social justice.

When I first started working there, a white comedian made a joke with “the N word” at one of our fundraising events. When the harm that this caused was brought to the attention of those who had planned the event, they got defensive & withdrew. They did not ask for help or input from our youth for the next function. Out of fear that emotions were too high, they actually decided to pull the youth back — not inviting them onstage to share their stories like in years past. To make matters worse, someone even decided that youth were not allowed to eat the food that had been catered in. These were the very youth we were there to raise money for, some of which were also volunteering to help that night. This did not go unnoticed.

When we tried to mend the growing rift within our organization by introducing restorative practices and raising awareness to issues of racism & classism, emotions ran high and the yelling started. We watched an executive member of our team literally smack themself in the face — before quitting altogether. We heard people at the head of our marketing department admit that they had never heard of “tokenizing” people of color before. We watched as senior members of staff continuously denied their privilege: be it white privilege, male privilege, financial privilege, or cis privilege. We had a member of staff threatened with disciplinary action for things that were said in what was supposed to be a healing circle. Instead of healing us… it led to our eventual implosion.

Over the next several months, 11 out of 16 staff members quit (including myself).

Towards the end, I was sensitive to every instance of us abandoning our guiding principles. When materials for a financial campaign quietly removed our dedication to “sex positivity” so as not to scare off potential donors. When my “Be nice to sex workers” shirt was laughed at. When the very concept of queer porn having historical value was scoffed at as we absorbed a local LGBTQ+ library. Every moment when I wondered if I would lose my job if this blog was discovered. Because of my position there, sex positivity was a big battleground for me, but it most certainly wasn’t the only war that was being fought.

There was the time when we apparently considered taking money from a company that manufactures missiles. (I’m not sure who was responsible for our decision on that one, but thankfully we decided on a different direction.) Every single time that “social justice” or “intersectionality” was mentioned as purely a buzzword, while members of our administration and board of directors continuously failed to attend anti-racism workshops. When we not only permanently kicked out youth (after stating that we wanted to trade in our old punitive measures for a new model of restorative practices) — but also apparently refused to offer a case manager to help remediate the interpersonal issues at hand. When fellow staff members started favoring solutions that (I felt) could potentially ruin a youth’s life over a teenage mistake.

It became painfully clear that I could no longer trust the “ethics” of the organization and unfortunately, I didn’t feel strong enough or brave enough to keep fighting.

Of course, the entire ordeal has had me questioning: Is there any organization within sexual health that I could align with ethically? Is running an organization truly dedicated to social justice and harm reduction even possible when dealing with minors, simply because of the legalities involved? I want to hope so (on both accounts), but at this point, my local options are slim-to-none and I feel too broken & defeated to jump back in.

Because as inconsequential as it sounds… there was also the pure fact that as more & more individuals left, I increasingly felt like I was trapped in an environment where I was not wanted or even cared about as a human being. The majority of coworkers who would have seen my signs of depression & been genuinely concerned about my wellbeing were gone, the couple who still did were not in positions to change anything, and I was suddenly under a leader whose solution was to simply say, “You don’t seem happy here. We can try to fix that, or you can leave” with what felt like a heavy emphasis on the latter. Someone who never once asked what was behind my reason for leaving — or even acknowledged my pain as I held back tears & couldn’t form words to the question “how are you?”

My family was gone and I continuously felt invisible. Misunderstood. Silenced. Pushed out. And although “abandoning” the youth made this the hardest decision I have had to make in years, I also knew that they would be unfortunate witnesses to a severe spike in my depression if I were to stay.

It’s been a few months now since I left. My mental health is recovering, but the pain is still raw. Some days, I wake up thinking about my kids (and how I feel completely cut off from them) or I drive past the building and I start sobbing. I was grown in that place. I met the most inspiring individuals in that organization (both youth & coworkers). People who gave me the space & the power to embrace my own queerness. People who taught me what it meant to be “subversive” and to truly fight for what’s right. People who showed me what compassion and love and acceptance was on a level that I didn’t even think was possible. And one particular person who proved to be the very definition of a “soulmate” in my life.

Even knowing what I know now… I can honestly say that I would still go back and live the experience all over again. It was a defining moment, a span of time that made me who I am. And I know that (eventually) I will come out of this stronger and (hopefully) I will be better prepared for a career in the only thing that has ever felt right.

No Shave November: This “Hairy Feminist” is Raising Cancer Awareness

Posted by

0

No Shave November is right around the corner!

I’d like to use this time to raise cancer awareness by sharing my own experience as an (unofficial) NSN participant last year. My hope is that this might inspire others to participate in their own awareness & fundraising efforts, practice self checks, and/or donate money to NSN, other preferred cancer research organizations, or specific individuals/families fighting cancer.

I am not in the habit of asking for money on this blog, but if you would like to donate to the brave individual who inspired this post, please do so here. As a single mother, the financial strain of healthcare and uncertainty is not easy and every little bit helps in her battle against breast cancer.

Let’s kick cancer’s ass! 

Why write about cancer on a SEX blog?!

A couple of years ago, one of my best friend’s older sisters found out that she has an aggressive form of breast cancer. She has recently finished chemo and is currently in recovery from a double mastectomy & lymph node removal, followed by a couple of surgeries to combat infection. The next step is radiation. Marci is literally coming at this with everything she has… and yet, she still has a moderate chance of the cancer returning within 3 years.

Many of my teenage memories are wrapped up with this friend and his family. In some ways, his older sister became a motherly figure to me, just like she was to him. To this day, she still has a habit of checking in with me simply because she “has a feeling” that I might be struggling — and strangely enough, she is often right.

But suddenly, when Marci was diagnosed, she became the one who was struggling…and I felt powerless to help. After making a donation to her crowd-funding campaign, I did the only other thing that sprang to my mind: I decided to participate in No Shave November. My idea was that I would raise awareness (and hopefully some money) by writing about the experience on my blog — where I conveniently discuss gender & body image on the regular. Of course, I didn’t expect it to be the following year before I found the time to write again.

According to the National Breast Cancer Foundation, 1 in 8 women in the U.S. will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime. That amounts to nearly 247,000 women every year — as well as approximately 2,600 men. (Cis-normative stats because that’s what’s available, of course.)

In the past, No Shave November has been seen as being a bit of a “boy’s club” due to the social stigma surrounding hair & femininity. Let me be the first to say: Fuck that noise. The very concept of stigmatizing someone based on their adherence (or refusal to adhere) to gender norms is ridiculous. However, I also understand that it is still very much the reality that we live in. And as someone who identifies as non-binary but is constantly assumed female, I believe that it is precisely because of this stigma that I have power within this campaign. By swearing off the razor, I can leverage my own femaleness to attract attention and start important conversations about cancer.

If I can… You can too.

I’ve spent a long time hating my body hair.

I started shaving my legs in the 5th grade. I was a cheerleader at my elementary school and I remember feeling incredibly embarrassed when I realized that the other girls didn’t have hair like I did. For most of them, shaving simply was not a reality in their lives yet, just like sports bras & menstrual pads. You could say that I was an “early bloomer.”

By middle school, I had become increasingly self-conscious about my pale skin & dark hair. My arms reminded me of a man’s and I felt powerless to change or to hide them. I panicked over the slight hint of a happy trail under my belly button and obsessively plucked it away along with many other stray hairs across my body. I became increasingly paranoid about visible stubble and started shaving my armpits every single morning — even if that meant buying special moisturizing deodorant to combat the constant skin irritation.

In 7th grade, I got my first serious boyfriend. He was 2 years older than me and I thought that I was the luckiest girl in the world. We would make-out on my parents’ couch for hours, and one afternoon, I looked down to see that a pubic hair had found its way onto the bottom of my shirt. I was mortified. He didn’t say anything (at the time), but I still remember how I ached to return my body to the little girl aesthetic that I had just outgrown. I started shaving my pubic area almost immediately thereafter.

As an adult, I’ve wasted hundreds of hours abiding by the same hair removal rituals that I started as a young teenager. It has only been with my current partner that I felt secure enough (beautiful enough/accepted enough/loved enough) to cut myself a little slack. Over the course of 6 years, I slowly made the transition to keeping my pubic area trimmed but rarely completely shaven. I started to allow stubble on my legs during the winter months, when the prying eyes of strangers would never see. And I routinely shaved my armpits every other day in the shower — but no more.

Becoming active in feminist, queer, & sex-positive communities over the last few years has introduced me to many female-identifying/presenting individuals who are open about their decision NOT to shave. It doesn’t surprise me like it would have in my teen years, but part of me always wondered… “Could I ever do that? Am I so confident & brave?”

As I started exploring my gender identity, the questions in my mind only became louder. I wondered what role body hair played in my overall gender expression. Would my hang-ups prevent me from appearing masculine someday if that was what I desired? Or would I find that I am miraculously more comfortable in my skin once I finally embraced my human fur? Either way, my anxiety monster popped up to say “hello!”

An Exercise in Sitting with Discomfort

Being anxious about letting my body hair grow rampant may sound trivial & silly (especially compared to the larger topic at hand: cancer). But we are all human, and humans are weird, and I suspect that I am not alone in this.

My month started with a weird detachment & discomfort with the appearance of my own body and an increased need to hide under layers of clothes. I also found myself battling a purely habitual urge to shave. At first, I figured that I would fail simply from a prolonged moment of distraction during my normal shower routine.

No Shave November gender fuckeryAs my hair continued to grow well beyond the point of stubble & further into uncharted territory, I questioned my own negative feelings and their relation to my budding non-binary gender identity. Did my hatred of more “masculine” body hair invalidate me in some way? Could I appear generally feminine and still be accepted & viewed as “non-binary enough?” Or would I be instantly flagged as someone who simply wants attention or to be different?

And then there was the whole love issue. What would this do to my relationship if I did grow to enjoy a more masculine gender expression? My partner (though otherwise quite supportive of my journey) had already shared a mild distaste for my new fuzz. And in response, I instinctively pulled back sexually, afraid of rejection & disgust. The fear voice amplified throughout my mind, harshly begging the question: “He is straight. Is there still space for you if you are no longer strictly a woman?” Gender & sexuality are messy, folks. 

Yet as more time passed, my strange sense of detachment eventually morphed into not giving a damn. I still looked forward to the day when I would be able to shave again, but in the meantime, I learned to accept the naturalness of my body. And as it turns out… I didn’t run straight for the razor on December 1st; I waited patiently until a day when I had enough spare time to dedicate to the taming of my underarms, legs, and pubic area. To my surprise, hair had actually become meaningless.

Finding Permission & Continuing the Fight

For the most part, how I have chosen to groom my body hair over the last year has not really changed that much. I may allow a few more days to pass after I start noticing stubble, or I might decide to wear yoga leggings to the gym even if my calves aren’t completely smooth. …But then there are some days (like today), when I realize that I can’t even remember the last time that I shaved my pubes. The difference is that I simply don’t care most of the time.

If I don’t shave, it only means that I get to laugh it off & embrace the dreaded “hairy feminist” stereotype. And if I do shave, it doesn’t detract from my identity as a non-binary individual or from my androgynous appearance. All of that is ME.

No Shave November most definitely provided me with an unexpected opportunity for growth & self reflection; an experience that is very fitting for a blog that deals with gender & sexuality. However, that is obviously not the importance behind this campaign – and it has nothing to do with why I will be participating again this year. Rather, I will use this as a starting point, a platform, a way to attract attention to the larger issue.

This November, I will be donating once again to Marci. I will be even more vocal in my personal life & on social media about participating in this campaign. I will try to overcome the last residual days of body image anxiety and wear clothes that make my body hair more visible — especially towards the end of the month.

And I am asking others to join me.  

Whether or not you are able to donate or participate, please do me a favor: Learn how to do breast self-exams and perform them monthly. Educate yourself – even if you don’t have breasts, but your current (or future) partners might. It is not uncommon for a romantic or sexual partner to be the one who discovers a lump or change in breast tissue. We should all be in this together. <3