Essays

5 Tips for Getting Quality Sex Toys for Less

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I’m the type of person who considers saving money to be an exhilarating challenge, especially as I try to financially prepare for graduate school. I frequent used bookstores, I buy second-hand clothes, and my partner & I commonly save 20-25% on our grocery bill through coupons and sales. I will refuse to make expensive purchases if I don’t feel like I’m getting a deal — but I also won’t buy cheap products that will require a quick replacement.

So… How does this relate to sex toys?

I recently started writing a series of posts about body-safe materials. The benefits of these toys are pretty obvious: They’re non-toxic and they don’t retain harmful, icky bacteria. Unfortunately, they are often (but not always) much more expensive. And while a high-quality toy can last a lifetime when properly cared for (whereas a cheap toy might need to be replaced in mere months), dropping a large amount of money on one can still be rather scary.

To help make quality toys more accessible, I’ve compiled a few tips for the frugal sex toy aficionado. I’m not promising that you’ll be able to buy the latest $200 luxury sex toy with the change you found in the couch. But every little bit adds up, and over the last couple of years, these tips have saved me hundreds!

1. Check the clearance/sale section…often! Many online stores have a discount section: overstock, discontinued products, tiny imperfections, etc. Whether it’s prominently featured on the home page or discreetly tucked away, you need to find that section and return to it often. Online deals come and go in the blink of an eye. Many retailers are even in the habit of doing 24-hour “flash sales,” which sometimes offer the biggest savings.

Consider creating a bookmark folder in your internet browser, so that every sales page is just a single click away. To make this a bit easier, I’ve linked directly to some of my affiliates’ & favorite shops’ sales pages below. Keep in mind that not all of these stores are dedicated to body-safety, so it’s up to you to educate yourself & shop smartly.  

2. Sign up for mailing lists Filling up your shopping cart at a new online store? Make sure that you sign-up for the mailing list before you checkout. Many retailers will send out a “Welcome” coupon code that you can only use for a limited time. From my experience, these codes are usually in the 10-15% range, but they’re worth it — especially if shipping is exceptionally pricey.

Trust me when I say that if you’re wanting to add to your sex toy collection, staying subscribed to these lists is key! Not only will you be informed of new store sales & promotions, but you’ll almost certainly receive more coupon codes in the future. Codes that may not be available to the general public. Some sign-up forms will even ask for your birthday or anniversary so they can send you a more personalized special offer.

Bonus tip: If you have a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, other social media account, following your favorite sex toy companies may prove beneficial as well. Some giveaway contests & coupon codes are only available on social media!

3. Shop Holidays It’s no secret that stores offer huge sales around the holidays, and sex toy retailers are no exception. The big ones to plan your purchases around? Black Friday/Cyber Monday/Christmas & Valentine’s Day. (Many online retailers also offer savings at other times of celebration such as July 4th, Mother’s Day…even Back to School!) Ask yourself: Can you wait until the next holiday to see what deals are offered?

As an example, this year I put off some major sex toy purchases, waiting patiently for the Black Friday/Cyber Monday sales to roll around. I signed up for mailing lists and checked the sales updates provided by other sex bloggers. I meticulously compared prices at several retailers. In the end, I ordered 3 items from my wish list and saved approximately $90 — and that’s not even taking into account free shipping! My point? Planning your purchases pays off.

4. Use loyalty rewards programs At one point, Eden Fantasys’ program was the darling of the community, offering spendable points for purchases, writing reviews, making comments on product pages, or even just doing website searches. Of course, after how shittily they treated fellow sex bloggers, I have stopped giving them my business and cannot recommend that you trust them (with your body, privacy, or money) either.

So that leaves only a couple of companies that I’m aware of who currently offer frequent buyer benefits. My favorite is from one of my affiliates, Good Vibrations. Their Pleasure Points system offers 4 levels of rewards, based on how much money you spend with them. The only catch is that the points expire after the end of each calendar year.

  • The Bronze level ($50-299): exclusive bronze offers, $10 off & free 3-day shipping on your next purchase after spending $120, and $10 off with free 2-day shipping after spending $240.
  • The Silver level ($300-499): exclusive silver offers and 10% off regular-priced purchases for the year.
  • The Gold level ($500-749): exclusive gold offers and 15% off the year’s regular-priced purchases with free 3-day shipping.
  • The Platinum level ($750+): exclusive platinum offers and 20% off your regular-priced purchases for the year with free 2-day shipping.

Lovehoney also has their Oh! Points Loyalty Scheme. For every $1 you spend with Lovehoney, you get 6 points. These points can then be used to purchase a special selection of products. Unfortunately, the point value for items is extremely high and, as you would expect, most of the really nice (and safe) items are especially pricey. For example, near the high-end of the spectrum is the Fun Factory Stronic Eins worth 25,800 points. This means that you would need to spend $4,300 with Lovehoney to receive this $200 toy.

If you’re looking for bondage or fetish gear, Extreme Restraints has their Extreme Dollars program where you earn 5% of your purchase in the form of a store credit. The good news is, these credits can be used on any item from their store. The bad news is that your Extreme Dollars automatically get applied to your next purchase, so you cannot save them. If unused, your dollars also expire annually (on June 30th).

Remember that with any rewards program, you need to create an account with the website and always make sure that you are logged in at checkout in order to receive your points!

5. Look for other incentives Occasionally, a company will offer rewards or special benefits for consumers who contribute to their website in some way. With the exception of the aforementioned Eden Fantasys, the only such company that I know of is SheVibe (another awesome affiliate of mine).

SheVibe’s Review Project offers you store credit for reviewing products from their website. Each review must meet the standards set out in the Review Project instructions. (150+ words, contains a certain level of useful detail, submitted through the provided form, etc.) Once approved, each review will earn you $3 on a SheVibe Gift Card Account. These cards max out at $50 and cannot be used in conjunction with other gift cards or coupon codes. While the cards do expire, you have a lengthy 2 years from the date of your last review.

Check out my Pinterest board: Body-Safe on a Budget for some of my favorite sex toys under $50! 

Aware of other rewards programs or have other money-saving tips? Please share in the comment section below!  

Sex Toy Materials – Silicone

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What is silicone?

Chemistry has never been my strongpoint, so my knowledge of silicone does not go into deep, scientific detail. I can tell you the basics: that it is a synthetic compound created primarily from silicon, carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen. Silicone is inert, meaning that it does not undergo chemical reactions. It also comes in a variety of forms (from liquids to solids), and is capable of withstanding extremely high temperatures. Silicone has a very wide range of uses. You may own rubber-like silicone cooking utensils/bakeware or you may use contact lenses made from silicone gel. For me, silicone happens to be my favorite material for sex toys.

Why are silicone sex toys so awesome?

silicone line-upFirst of all, the variety that you can get with silicone is amazing. These toys can be made from either 100% silicone or hard plastic with a soft silicone coating. Even the ones that are pure silicone range widely in softness, flexibility, color, and texture/finish. Some are very stiff with little give, while others are made to feel more squishy and “life-like.” Some are shiny and slick, while others are velvety and matte. Skin tone, neon colors, even rainbow combinations — silicone can do it all.

But the most important thing about silicone is that it’s body safe. Unlike many soft plastic sex toys, silicone is phthalates free. This means that you don’t need to worry about nasty side effects like chemical burn or potential toxicity. Silicone toys will not decompose over time, leaching oils and smelly chemicals into the air. In addition, silicone is essentially non-porous. I say “essentially” because while silicone does contain pores, they are much too small to harbor bacteria, fungus, molds, etc. (However, silicone may sometimes retain smells or stains.) This means that silicone can be completely sterilized.

How do I care for my silicone toys?

Cleaning: Most of the time, a simple wash with warm/hot water and mild soap will do the trick. (I suggest fragrance-free liquid soap to protect the vagina’s natural pH balance.) If you notice that your toy has retained some smells, would like to share Ripple Boilyour toy with a partner, plan to switch between vaginal and anal use, or you simply want to go the extra mile, you have several options…

If your toy does not have a vibrating motor, you can 1. Boil the toy for 2-3 minutes. (Awesome advice from Dangerous Lilly: Use a steamer basket to prevent the toy from coming into contact with the very hot bottom of the pot.) 2. If you have a dishwasher with a sanitize option, put the toy on the top rack. (Do not use any sort of dish detergent!) If your toy does have a vibrating motor, you can still wipe it down with a cloth and a 10% bleach/90% water solution. Just make sure to wipe it with plain ol’ water afterwards.

Storage: There’s a rather pervasive myth that silicone toys cannot be stored together without damaging effects. The truth is, if your toys are actual silicone, there shouldn’t be a problem. (Want photographic proof? Check out Dangerous Lilly’s silicone jar experiment.) The problem comes from when sex toy companies lie about what their Silicone drawerproducts are made of. Unsafe, porous toys that claim to be silicone (or a questionable “silicone blend”) do run the risk of melting/leaking on your real, quality silicone products. So before tossing everything together in a drawer, consider the company and whether you trust their materials. Personally, I store all of my Tantus, Lelo, and Fun Factory in one location and have never experienced an issue. (It’s important to note that some very soft silicone, like Vixskin, may bend if haphazardly crushed by other toys for extended periods of time.)

Lubrication: Many of us have also heard the “never use silicone lube with silicone toys” warning. The idea is that silicones will react with each other, and this will damage the toy. In reality, it can be a grey area. If both the toy and the lubrication are made from high quality silicone, they may not have any reaction whatsoever. To be safe, you can test your preferred brand of silicone or hybrid lube on a discreet area of the toy (ex: the base). Keep an eye out for any changes in the material, like a sticky or tacky feeling. Of course, to be extra safe, you can simply stick to using water-based lubricants with all of your silicone toys.

mona sliquid

How do I know if a toy is true silicone?

Like I’ve mentioned before, there are no sex toy regulations and companies lie to make money. There are many products made from porous and potentially toxic materials that get advertised as silicone. There are also companies that claim to have created a silicone “blend” with other materials. Who knows if this can even be done — let alone be body safe. So how can you tell the difference? First of all, examine the product. If it is completely clear, it is most likely not silicone. (“Clear” silicone will still be cloudy.) Does it have that new, plastic shower curtain smell? If so, run in the opposite direction, because whatever you have likely contains phthalates. (Silicone is essentially odorless.)

Still not sure? You can also do a flame test, but be aware that the results are not always 100% accurate. The idea is that most (but not all) silicones will not melt; they will only produce ash that can be wiped away. Of course, do the flame test at your own risk, and make sure to be very careful as some plastic products will go up in flame very quickly. If you would like more information on flame tests, I highly recommend Dangerous Lilly’s posts (here & here), which include several photo and video examples.

I also suggest that you keep up-to-date with Dildology and The Coalition Against Toxic Toys. Both are organizations that have actually had sex toys tested to find out what materials they are made from. (Unfortunately, these tests are super expensive and very few toys have been tested thus far.)

Silicone Sex Toy Manufacturers That I Trust

My number one piece of advice for making sure that a toy is made from real silicone? Shop from reputable stores and manufacturers. Shevibe, Good Vibrations, and Peepshow Toys, are all companies that I trust enough to be affiliates with. Other stores dedicated to body safety include Babeland, SheBop, Filthy Dirty, and Smitten Kitten. (Avoid Amazon at all costs, as counterfeit toys are quite common there.)

This is not an exhaustive manufacturer list by any means, but it will at least get you started.

If you want an even more in-depth look at silicone, I highly recommend Lorax of Sex’s Epic Silicone Post and Dangerous Lilly’s Ultimate Guide to Silicone Sex Toys. 

What I’ve Learned in 1 Year of Blogging

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November 10th marked my one-year blogiversary here at EROcentric. When I started this blog, it was for several reasons. First and foremost, my life passion is in educating others about sex in a shame-free and sex positive fashion. By pushing myself to explain topics in accurate and accessible ways, I also knew that I would further my own education. I looked forward to improving my writing skills by working on (near) weekly posts, and I was excited to connect with others in the sex blogging and sex education community.

Living in an area that fears comprehensive sex education & lacks sex toy retailers who value body-safety, my opportunities to meet with like-minded individuals and further my professional career are very limited. The blog was my opportunity to do what I love and to be the person I truly am. But to be honest…I had no idea just how much EROcentric would change my life for the better.

I am even MORE comfortable talking about all things sex.

I’m a big proponent of making sex normal, of doing away with these silly societal taboos over something that (almost) all of us do for some reason or another at some point in our lives. Before starting this blog, I thought that I was comfortable discussing sex. But perspectives that differed from my own were still hard to wrap my head around. Working on these posts, pushing myself to fully comprehend & then explain intimate topics…it’s brought my comfort to a whole new level. (In fact, I sometimes forget that not everyone is as nonchalant about such discussions now!) I am grateful that this experience continues to broaden my mind, giving me a better idea of what it truly means to be “sex positive.”

I have an amazing group of friends & family that accept me and support my endeavors.

I have recently “come out” as a sex blogger to a select group of friends…and the response has been overwhelmingly positive! Many have expressed delight in how informative and yet conversational I am here. A few have even entrusted me with their intimate concerns or questions. Mostly, there has been appreciation that I have found happiness and meaning in my life.

I also recognize that many potential partners would be uncomfortable with my area of interest, and I am immensely lucky to have found a man that is so supportive. He is always lurking behind the scenes here at EROcentric. He listens to me babble and helps me brainstorm, he proofreads my posts, and he’s almost always up for trying new things — for science! Most importantly, he celebrates every new milestone by my side (albeit with less jumping and squealing).

However, the most surprising response has been from my family. When I first started this blog, I called my mom to give her a friendly warning. “Just wanted to tell you that I’m starting a blog about gender and sexuality. So if someone comes up to you and asks, ‘Did you know that Mandi is writing about dildos on the internet?!’ you can smile and nod instead of stare at them in shock.” Her response was a somewhat uncomfortable but genuine laugh, and it helped me to finally stop hiding my true self around my family.

I am sexy! 

I’ve struggled with body image issues my entire life. To be perfectly honest, I’m a pro at holding myself to ridiculous (and surprisingly tenacious) standards. Never in a million years would I have guessed that my interest in sex and gender would help to change that.

Since diving into this field of study, I have been introduced to so many amazing books, blog posts, documentaries, and adult videos that I have finally come to the conclusion that sexy is a state-of-mind. “Sexy” is in confidence and sexual knowledge. It’s in recognizing that everyone’s bodies are unique…and that yours deserves love. I know that putting an end to the hateful little voice in my head is going to be difficult, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I’m making real progress. This year, I’ve discovered ways to truly love my vulva and found the bravery to open up about my insecurities for my affiliate, Good Vibrations, and their #SexyAtEverySize project. I look forward to a time when maybe I won’t turn down sex because I feel “fat.”

I can make much more educated sex toy purchases. 

While this may seem trivial at first, its importance lies in the broader fact that I am discovering what feels pleasurable to me. I have learned so much in just the last year! I have become an expert in locating my G-spot and can testify that blended orgasms are amazing. I know that my butt prefers beads to plugs, that my clitoris and vagina are too far apart for most dual stimulation toys, and that my pubic bone is very skilled at trapping toys behind it in a rather painful fashion. I understand that regretful sex toy purchases are hard to avoid (and I’m sure that I’ll still make a few), but it’s nice to look at some toys and instantly know that they’re not worth my time.

I’m a firm believer in the usefulness of sex toys on the path of sexual discovery. I vividly remember my adolescence, when any pleasure I felt from masturbation was quickly replaced with guilt and shame. I’ve come a long way since then. Experimenting with various toys (and finding the words to summarize my experiences) has really helped give me a sense of pride in knowing my body.

I am the owner of my sexuality.

Similar to the comfort and newfound knowledge that I experience with solo pleasure, I am also much more at ease with my partner. I can more easily discuss my sexual needs and, therefore, I feel much more in control of my sexuality now. I understand that there is nothing shameful in my sexual fantasies, and also that I am not “broken” for experiencing a low libido.

I’m realizing that “sex” can have several different meanings and happen for many different reasons…and that every experience may not always be in the top 10. (Although I still struggle with putting too much importance on orgasm.) This entire journey has forced me to closely examine the ways that I approach sexuality. It has made me more open and uninhibited, and my relationship has definitely benefitted from that transformation.

Looking forward…

I’m very excited to see what improvements and epiphanies the next year of blogging will hold. I anticipate that writing will come even more easily to me, and that I will further explore the topic of sexuality in a variety of new ways. In my personal life, I hope to continue to grow into a better, more confident & sex positive, person. And for my lovely readers… I sincerely hope that something I have to say will benefit you and your future sexual experiences.

An Introduction to Sex Toy Safety

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When I set out to buy my first sex toy, I was not an educated shopper. All I knew was that (1) I wanted to purchase from a brick-and-mortar store, so that I could actually see the size of the toy in front of me. And (2) I wanted something cheap, because I had no idea if I would actually like it. Needless to say, I wasted a lot of money on cheaply made and potentially dangerous shit. I’ve had the coating of vibrators begin to flake and fall off. I’ve had a couple of toys get mysterious dark stains, which I now know were probably signs of mold. One bullet that I bought only lasted about 5 minutes before it over-heated to the point that it completely fried the battery components. And I’ve experienced some mild vaginal burning from a toy that later started to disintegrate in a puddle of it’s own goo.

Gross, right?

I now know that in a society where almost everything is government regulated, sex toys are not. There are no government laboratories testing your dildos to make sure that they will not cause chemical burn or that your anal plug has a base wide enough to not get lost in your colon. Instead, most sex toy companies can choose to label their items as “novelties,” meaning that if they aren’t officially made for use, it doesn’t matter how unsafe they are. It also means that companies can get away with not disclosing what their products are made from — or even flat-out lying about it.

There are many individuals in the sex positive community (including educators, bloggers, shop owners, quality toy manufacturers, etc) who are aware of this and are advocating for change. However, the vast majority of the masses are still uninformed. There is a stigma surrounding sex toy use — even though 52.5% of women and 44.8% of men have reported using a vibrator alone or with a partner. People are hesitant to talk about their sex toys, even if their experience has been a positive one. But what about if their experience was painful or they became physically ill? As a wonderful fellow sex blogger once said…

Generally speaking, there are two things that can make a sex toy unsafe: porosity and toxicity.

Porosity

Porosity simply means that the material has pores (tiny holes which allow liquid or air to pass through). For a sex toy, which comes into contact with bodily fluids and sensitive mucous membranes time and time again, the major concern of porosity is the growth of bacteria. Over time, mildew, mold, and fungus can all start growing on and inside of these toys. (This is especially likely if they are not washed straight away or if they are not thoroughly dry before being stored.) Because they essentially absorb what they come into contact with, porous toys cannot be shared. They cannot be used both vaginally and anally. And they cannot be used while experiencing any sort of genital infection.

It’s important to realize that even if you wash a porous toy, you will have not removed the chance of introducing harmful bacteria to your body. There is no way to completely clean or sterilize a porous sex toy. Therefore, to minimize risk, using a condom with these toys is recommended.

Toxicity

There seems to be some recent controversy over using the term “toxic.” Some say that it scares individuals who are not knowledgeable about sex toys and shames those who own unsafe ones. Others, like myself, believe that ugly practices deserve ugly words and that consumers need to know the truth.

A toy may be “toxic” for a variety of reasons. Phthalates (chemicals added to plastics to make them softer and more flexible) usually get the most attention. Phthalates “off-gas” into their environment, meaning that they are released into the air that you breathe. If you’ve ever gotten a headache from the strong odor of a new vinyl shower curtain or that “new car smell,” you’ve got phthalates to thank. If phthalates are in a sex toy (which comes into contact with mucous membranes of the genitalia), they could also leach into your body and/or cause skin irritation. (Research is lacking on whether condoms can provide adequate protection.)

Research is ongoing about the potential harmful effects of these chemicals. It appears that with high levels of exposure, some phthalates may be linked to liver/kidney damage as well as negative effects on neurological & reproductive health. One specific phthalate that has been found in sex toys, Di(2-ethylhexyl) phthalate (or DEHP), “may reasonably be anticipated to be a human carcinogen” according to the Department of Health & Human Services. Because of this risk, many countries (including the U.S.) have banned children’s toys that include more than 0.1% DEHP in their chemical make-up. Now compare that to the 63% that a Berlin laboratory found in a vibrator.

Unfortunately, phthalates and leaky toys aren’t even the only things we have to worry about. In 2006, the Dutch EPA found arsenic, antimony, lead, & cadmium in the sex toys that they tested. I don’t know about you, but I find that very disturbing. 

Which materials are body-safe and which should you avoid?

I’ll do individual posts on these materials in the future, but for now, here is a basic breakdown.

Non-Porous & Non-Toxic

  • Silicone
  • ABS/Hard plastic
  • Glass, Ceramic, & Sealed Wood (However, not all ceramic glazes or wood finishes are body safe.)
  • Stainless Steel & Aluminum

Questionable or Dangerous

  • Thermoplastic Rubber or Elastomer (TPR/TPE)
    • Usually free of phthalates, but can be porous or non-porous (medical grade).
  • “Realistic” materials (ex: Cyberskin)
    • Porous & may contain phthalates.
  • PVC, Rubber, Latex, & “Jelly”
    • Porous & usually contains phthalates.

It’s important to know that these cheaply made toys from the bottom section are also often unstable and can begin to break-down within a short amount of time. They may develop an oily or greasy sheen on the outside of the toy or even drastically melt (especially when in contact with similar toys). If you want to see some disgusting examples, check out Dangerous Lilly’s, BadVibes’, and BexTalksSex’s jars of melted toys.

Remember that toy companies can and do lie. Even if product packaging or an online description says that a toy is silicone or “phthalates free,” it may not be. And many items sold cheaply on marketplaces such as Amazon turn out to be unsafe counterfeits. Before you buy, do your research on the manufacturer and the retailer. There are many amazing companies out there who are dedicated to producing and selling body-safe products and, in my opinion, those are the ones that deserve our money and support.

If you would like more information on sex toy safety, I highly suggest checking out Dangerous Lilly‘s posts and the posts of other bloggers that she has linked to here. 

Confession: My Sex Life Isn’t Perfect

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I’m always in the mood for sex & it’s always amazing.

As I increasingly share my work as a sex blogger (or an aspiring sex educator) to more individuals, I become much more aware of the winking smiles and subtle comments about how lucky my partner is. Call me naïve, but I didn’t realize how pervasive this “nympho” stereotype was for women like me. I didn’t realize that simply because I was more open about my sexuality and have worked very hard to educate myself, that my personal experiences in the bedroom would be glorified to those around me. And I certainly didn’t anticipate that I would begin to internalize other people’s expectations for my own sex life.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve actually had a lower than “normal” libido.

The truth is, my sex life is not always full of rainbows and bunnies (i.e. reliable, mind-blowing orgasms from the near-constant sex I’m having). Sure, the fact that I’m knowledgeable about sex and comfortable discussing it means that my partner and I are able to communicate very effectively. We’re not shy about telling each other what we want/need, and I’m sure that does make our sex life more pleasurable than some other couples’. However, we are two real people in a real relationship, and no part of life is perfect.

We’ve been together for four years and sometimes work/school, bills, and our two fur-children simply wear us down. Certain oral contraceptives have both increased my depression and decreased my libido. Sometimes we might go a couple of weeks without having sex and I don’t even realize it. And sometimes when we do have sex, fireworks just aren’t there.

If I’m not interested in sex, I have failed as a romantic/sexual partner.

I’ve put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself over the last couple of years. When I first noticed that my libido wasn’t what it used to be, I would consent to sex without really desiring it. (Eventually my partner called me out on it and asked me to stop.) I have tried so hard to get in the mood only to end the night in tears, because I “failed” and feel broken. And I’ve often found myself worrying that I’m more interested in learning about sex than I am about actually having it.

Through all of this, my partner has been the only other person to know how guilty I feel for not wanting to have sex all the time. He knows that when I try to joke about being a “bad girlfriend,” I’m trying to make light of how I actually feel. He has seen my insecurities get the best of me when I worry that my lower sex drive will eventually cause him to leave our life together — despite his multiple reassurances. Until now, I have been way too embarrassed and ashamed to ever let that imperfect part of my sex life show outside of our relationship.

Part of being sex positive is accepting myself & my sexuality — even when it’s not sensational.

This summer, I shared a couple of videos on my Twitter. In one, Kitty Stryker talks about having a low libido and the realities of not-so-great sex. In the other, Sarah talks about how she has learned to accept that she doesn’t have a very high sex drive. I watched these videos and was amazed at how perfectly these two women expressed my own insecurities and concerns.

Then Penny wrote a blog post on “Sex Blogger Life,” and her first point was that she wasn’t a nympho. And Beck wrote her own Wicked Wednesday post, sharing that she is also a real person in a real relationship that isn’t just about sex. I want to thank both of them for their honesty and openness. It was very comforting to relate to fellow bloggers in this way, and I realized that I had fallen into the same trap as many of my friends. I had been concentrating on other bloggers’ erotically written intimate experiences, amazing masturbatory sessions, and seemingly endless orgasms…unfairly comparing myself to sexual ideals.

There’s a sexual rule of thumb that I discovered while reading Secrets from the Sex Lab by Judy Dutton that has helped to take some pressure off sex. Therapist Paula Hall has dubbed it the “2-6-2 Rule” and it basically means that out of every 10 times you have sex, 2 will be absolutely amazing, 2 will be so bland you wonder why you thought it was a good idea, and the other 6 will be somewhere in between. So while I am still trying to actively rediscover the joys of sexual experience (through self-pleasure, foreplay, toy reviews, blogging, etc), I know that I can only do that by learning to relax. I have to stop expecting every sexual encounter to be mind-blowing (and blaming myself when it’s not). I have to stop obsessing over the frequency that my partner and I have sex. Most of all, I have to embrace my own unique sexuality — whatever that may be.

If I refuse to judge others for their sexual choices, why have I been judging myself?