Handjobs get a bad rap. For some reason, we’ve created a hierarchy of sexual activities: some are associated with juvenile sexual experimentation while others are viewed as more “advanced.” The handjob has ended up at the bottom of that sexual totem pole. (Despite the fact that some men do prefer handjobs to other sexual activity.) As we gain more sexual experience, we sometimes forget about the activities that aroused us at the beginning of our journey. For this reason, many people may consider it weird that a couple would “return” to handjobs after they have had intercourse.
“Couldn’t he just masturbate?”
While the mechanics may essentially be the same, you can give your partner a wholly different experience than he can give himself. Not only is there the perk that he’s not doing any of the work (which also means that he doesn’t know what sensation is coming next), but there’s also the intimacy factor. Don’t overlook this! A task that usually “gets the job done” can become a whole body experience if you’re also kissing and caressing other parts of his body.
“Isn’t he better at this than me?”
Of course he knows how to please his body the best; he’s had the most experience! But that doesn’t mean that you will never live up to his skills. It puts him in the perfect position to teach you what he likes better than anyone else. Ask him! If both of you are comfortable with it, watch him masturbate. This way, you’ll be able to learn the rhythm and technique that he prefers: where he puts his hand, what speed he enjoys, etc. If you’re concerned about the amount of pressure to apply (a common complaint with handjobs), ask him for a hand-over-hand lesson. With his hand overtop of yours, you’ll be able to feel firsthand what type of stimulation he enjoys.
“So, a handjob is more than just stroking up and down?”
I think this is a common misconception that women have and it helps to prevent them from giving more pleasurable handies. Become a pro at his personal technique (complete with any twists of the hand or changes in pressure), but also don’t be afraid to experiment. Try out different lubricants, and different amounts of those lubricants. Experiment with different positions. For example, do you want to be intimately cuddled up beside him or kneeling on the floor at his feet? Find out if he enjoys his testicles being played with. Some men hate it, while some may cum at the slightest rub, tug, squeeze, or light smack. And most importantly, show your enthusiasm! Dirty talk can be a real plus here.
It’s not my intention to create a “handjob how-to.” There are plenty of those out there already. If you’re looking for more concrete techniques, I recommend www.handjobadvice.com. Although the site has plenty of problems (a couple of broken links, some uneducated statements, and the sense that it hasn’t been updated since the ’90s), it also has some really strong points. For one, there’s no nudity: All techniques are demonstrated on a dildo, making this good for people who are uncomfortable with pornographic material. There’s also enough short videos that it should really get your creative juices flowing.
Bring back the handjob!
There are many reasons to make handjobs a reoccurring item on your sexual menu. You could be in-between birth control methods, or find yourself without STI protection, and want a relatively safe way to share intimacy. Perhaps you aren’t quite in the mood for sex, but you still want to please your partner. Maybe you want to slow things down and pretend that the two of you are teenagers again. Or maybe you just want a wide variety of sex acts to choose from in your relationship. Our enthusiastic attitudes can ensure that handjobs are seen as a legitimate form of sexual intimacy — not just an activity reserved for the backseat of your car after prom!