Essays

Aftercare: The Calm After the Climax

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What is sexual “aftercare?”

Simply put, aftercare is a designated time for calm & comfort that occurs after a sexual activity. While this term is most often used in a BDSM-specific context, some light forms of aftercare are commonly practiced by vanilla couples as well. (Post-coital cuddling, anyone?) Although we often have very specific ideas of who needs aftercare (most likely female submissives), it should be a basic sexual right for anyone who desires it — regardless of gender, sexual orientation, level of kink, or one’s status as Dominant or submissive.

Although aftercare can be comforting during times of distress, it should not necessarily be viewed as reparative. This causes the preceding sex act to be seen as inherently damaging and reinforces the idea that some forms of consensual sex are scary or “wrong.” Rather, aftercare should be viewed as a way to enhance sexual encounters. It may be used to increase intimacy, reinforce positive emotions (such as self-esteem), promote sexual communication and/or express love.

Why is aftercare beneficial?

Sometimes sex (even vanilla sex) can get rather intense. Maybe it’s been a rough week and sex is simply more cathartic than you expected, or maybe you’re just feeling particularly insecure or self-conscious. Most of us have also probably done or said something “in the moment” that caused us to experience shame or doubt after our sexual arousal abated. There are a lot of reasons why sex can sometimes create emotions that are overwhelming — and perhaps not so pleasurable.

BDSM practitioners have these same concerns and more. Endorphins and sexual arousal are a heady mixture, capable of removing a person from reality in what we call subspace or Domspace. This can be a wonderful experience, but the ensuing drop may cause a scene to feel physically, mentally, and/or emotionally exhausting for all individuals involved. Limits may have been pushed, role-played humiliation may require positive affirmations, and yes — minor physical injuries may need to be attended to.

How can you provide aftercare for a partner?

First, talk with them about the concept of aftercare. Are they familiar with it? If they think that it will be a positive addition to your sexual activity, discuss what calms them down or relaxes them. This is different for everyone and can range from extended intimate discussions to simply being left alone.  Without knowing what works for a particular person, aftercare may cause more harm than good.

Make sure that you consider a variety of aftercare options that target both physical and mental/emotional comfort. This will likely depend on the type of sexual play you are engaging in.

Here are a few ideas for various forms of aftercare…

  • Attending to basic physiological needs: Have you been playing intensely or for a long time, warranting food or water? If you have engaged in S&M activities, are there minor injuries that need antiseptic ointment and bandaids? If bondage has been incorporated, this may also be a good time to remove restraints, allowing for a more comfortable body position.
  • Providing comfortable surroundings: This can include temperature control (fan, space heater, blankets, warm socks) or more atmospheric enhancements (scented candles/incense, soft music).
  • Reinforcing intimacy and other positive emotions: This will depend on what type of relationship you have with the person you are currently playing with. A couple that is both involved in S&M and vanilla sexual activity may find intercourse or sexual touching to be very comforting after more intense play. Cuddling and/or offering reassurance are also good ways to let your partner know that you care about them. If you and your sexual/play partner do not have an emotional connection for this type of aftercare, a close friend may be able to provide some third party support.
  • Enhancing sexual communication: Some individuals use aftercare as a time to debrief by asking what was most/least enjoyable for their partner, what they’d like to do differently next time, etc. However, this can be complicated. One or both partners may be so satiated that conversing is momentarily impossible. If a power dynamic is in play, one or both partners may still be in their roles, potentially creating a barrier for open communication. Also, if not careful, post-coital criticism — even if constructive — can sometimes make vulnerabilities worse. (I-statements!) For some, this may work better if it’s used as a delayed “check-in” aftercare, allowing a few days for all partners to gather their thoughts.

Talking about aftercare can sometimes feel like you’re expecting the worst out of a pleasurable situation. In reality, it’s a great way to show your partner that you respect them and their needs. It communicates that you are there for more than just your own physical gratification. In a way, it’s the mature progression of not sneaking out immediately after the deed is done.

Blow Jobs: Choose Your Own Adventure

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Rarely do I hear a woman say that she simply feels “so-so” about fellatio. It’s always a ‘love it’ or ‘hate it’ opinion. I can’t help but wonder if those who hate it have ever had a considerate partner who gives them their share of control over the situation. I worry that simply because one person is receiving physical pleasure during oral sex, it is often seen as a selfish, one-sided sex act.

Blow jobs don’t have to abide by pornographic standards. They do not have to be an exercise in male dominance and female degradation. (Although for some couples, this agreed upon power dynamic is really hot.) As with any sexual act, blow jobs should be an experience of shared enthusiasm & pleasure where the comfort levels and limitations of both partners are acknowledged and respected — and compromises are often possible if you communicate.

“I hate the way it tastes.”

This is probably the #1 complaint that I hear when discussing blow jobs. I’m going to assume that most of the time this is in reference to the taste of ejaculate. (I hate to think that men are commonly presenting their partners with sweaty ol’ genitalia. Wash up, boys!) It’s important to remember that allowing your partner to cum inside your mouth is not the only acceptable way to end oral sex. You have options. For example, it’s really easy to switch from oral sex to a saliva-lubricated hand job at the end — especially if you’ve been incorporating your hands the entire time. If you’re concerned about being able to gauge your partner’s arousal (and trust them to be honest with you), ask them to tell you when they are about to cum so that you can switch.

Another great option is … condoms! A lot of people forget that oral sex can be dangerous too. Not only will using a condom protect you from STIs, it also allows you to finish a blow job with your mouth without worrying about the taste. You definitely don’t want to choose just any condom for this, as the taste of many will not be an improvement. However, there are several brands that make flavored condoms for this very purpose. Or, if you have a flavored lube that you enjoy, you can try pairing it with an unlubricated condom.

If you are comfortable enough with the taste to do a little experimenting, you and your partner can always discuss dietary changes that are said to improve the taste of ejaculate (less meats & beer, more fruits & veggies). Or you can try aiming at parts of the  mouth without tastebuds (back of the throat, under the tongue, etc).

“It makes me gag.” 

Repeat after me: “The partner who is performing fellatio is in control.” They should have the power to decide how much penis is entering their mouth, how quickly or how forceful, and when to take a break or stop altogether. If you are the receptive partner, thrusting, pushing the other person’s head down, or “mouth fucking” are off limits unless your partner explicitly gives you the okay. If thrusting is a reflexive action when climaxing, wrapping a hand around the base of the penis will help limit the depth of insertion and prevent activating the gag reflex. This is also a helpful technique to use with well-endowed partners.

What about deep throating? We obviously do not live in a Deep Throat fantasy land where a woman’s clitoris is at the back of her throat. In fact, not only does the performing partner not experience physical pleasure, but gagging is almost guaranteed and bruising is possible if the insertive partner is too rough. Still, it’s a huge turn on for some individuals — men and women alike. If you are interested in trying the deep throat technique, start by finding a position that creates a straight path from your open mouth to your throat. (Lying on your back with your head hanging slightly over the edge of the bed is common. You can still control the action by pulling your partner into you.) Also, relax. You may never be able to master your gag reflex, but it will certainly be easier if you can remain calm.

“My jaw gets sore.” 

As someone who is pretty sure she has a mild case of TMJ (an often painful disorder of the jaw joint or surrounding muscles), believe me…I understand. In my experience, variety is key. Forget the idea that a blow job is only ‘sticking a penis in your mouth and moving up and down.’ If your jaw starts to get sore, take a break! Rely on your hands for a while, or move to an area where you can concentrate on licking more than sucking. For many men, the urethral opening or meatus, frenulum (where the foreskin attaches), and corona (the ridge around the glans) are all sweet spots for this type of stimulation. Ask your partner if they like their testicles being touched or licked during oral sex — same with their (clean) perineum or anus. Maybe, despite everything popular magazines would have you believe, they even enjoy some light nibbling! Don’t be afraid to mix it up. It’ll relieve your jaw of a lot of physical stress and keep you feeling enthusiastic about what you’re doing.

Closing words for the receptive partner… 

Recognize that your partner may still be turned off by the idea of giving oral sex. Make sure that you are really hearing what they have to say on the matter. Are they willing to find a compromise under certain circumstances — or is that action completely off the table? For a pleasurable experience, everyone involved has to want the sexual activity in question. Do not try and pressure, force, or coerce a partner into anything they are uncomfortable with. Think about it: How sexy is it, really, if the person you’re with is miserable?

8 Titillating Facts About Sex Toys

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Due to a couple of amazing sales at Tantus & Pink Cherry, I’ve recently gone on a bit of a sex toy binge. It only seems fitting that this week’s post shares my current obsession. (Needless to say, I also wanted some quick & easy subject matter as my focus has been on “testing” these new arrivals and not so much on researching/writing.)

Enjoy! 

Dildos have been around forever. Seriously.

It doesn’t really seem too absurd that for as long as humans have been walking the earth, they have been finding ways to satisfy their libido. In 2010, a 30,000 year old stone dildo (or what some believe to be a dildo) was found in Germany. In ancient Greece, “olisbos” commonly made from leather or wood and lubricated with olive oil adorn many erotic vase paintings.

Vibrators were invented to more effortlessly cure “hysteria.” 

A disease that was only diagnosable in women, “hysteria” was believed to be the result of insufficient amounts of sex. (Despite the fact that many people throughout history believed that women had no sexual desire.) During the 19th century, doctors were manually masturbating their female patients in order to reduce hysteria’s rather vague symptoms. Vibrators were a good way to give the good doctors’ hands a break.

The vibrator was the 5th consumer appliance to be electrified.

What were the other four, you ask? The sewing machine, fan, teakettle, and toaster. Before that, many of the first vibrators were powered by steam or a simple hand-crank. For photos and more information about antique vibrators, visit Good Vibration’s Antique Vibrator Museum website. (You really start to get the sense that the people behind Wahl Massagers have simply decided “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it.”)

The use of vibrators in 1920’s porn made many retailers pull back. 

Prior to their appearance in porn, vibrator ads could be seen in the Sears catalog as well as magazines aimed at a female audience. Similar to how Lelo products are referred to as “personal massagers” in Brookstone stores today, their true use was always veiled. However, as they increasingly became explicitly sexual, many retail stores decided that they were too risqué.

Although it is not strictly enforced, Alabama’s Anti-Obscenity Enforcement Act still makes it illegal to sell sex toys.  

You may be thinking that this is simply an outdated law that everyone forgot about, but is still somehow on the books. Unfortunately, it was put into effect in 1998 and upheld in 2009. You know what’s even more crazy? If this is your first offense, you could still be punished with a $10,000 fine and a year in prison. This hasn’t stopped people yet. Sellers market their items as “educational” or “novelty” to get around the law.

The use of sex toys is more common than you might think. 

I’ve seen estimates on how much money Americans spend on sex toys that range anywhere from $500 million to $15 billion annually, but either way — that’s quite a large industry. (According to sex toy company, Adam & Eve, 8/10 of the leading states are largely Republican. Interesting…) In 2009, researchers at Indiana University [IU] studied the use of vibrators in particular. They found that 52.5% of women and 44.8% of men report having used a vibrator either alone or with a partner.1,2 

Using a vibrator may be tied to other sexual health benefits. 

The same pair of IU studies also found that those who report using a vibrator also report higher scores on tests of sexual function. Women were more likely to report that they had a gynecological exam within the last year, and men were more likely to report testicular self-exams when compared to their non-vibrator-using cohorts. It makes sense that if you’re more comfortable with your genitals, you’ll probably take better care of them.

Sex toys are not regulated by the US government.

Sex toy manufacturers are currently not obligated to follow any standards or even disclose what materials they use. Because they are allowed to hide in secrecy, many of the chemicals found in cheap sex toys are ones that have been banned from children’s toys due to possible toxicity. They also degrade at an alarming and disgusting rate, as can be seen at Bad Vibes.

  1. Reece et al. Prevalence and Characteristics of Vibrator Use by Men in the United States. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2009; 6 (7): 1867 DOI: 10.1111/j.1743-6109.2009.01290.x
  2. Herbenick et al. Prevalence and Characteristics of Vibrator Use by Women in the United States: Results from a Nationally Representative Study. Journal of Sexual Medicine, 2009; 6 (7): 1857 DOI: 10.1111/j.1743-6109.2009.01318.

Sexual Orientation 101: More Than Binaries

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Some people are most comfortable with a black & white view of sexual orientation where your only option is monosexuality: either strictly heterosexual or strictly homosexual. These individuals do not acknowledge that bisexuality exists — either claiming that a “bisexual” is really just a gay/lesbian in denial or a straight person who is experimenting. Others support a third category for bisexuality, accepting a valid middle ground where a person truly can be attracted to both males & females.

While I recognize that categorizing things in nice, neat boxes makes us feel more at ease, I also believe that it can lead to an “us vs. them” mentality. Plus, it encourages us to overlook the subtle differences and intricate details of human sexuality. That’s why I support a broader view of sexual orientation that falls along a continuum. Sexual continuums are not a new idea, but they are sometimes met with resistance.

Kinsey Scale 

Published in Alfred Kinsey’s 1948 Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, the Kinsey Scale is a concept that is fairly widely known and pretty simple to grasp. Basically, the scale runs from 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual).

Kinsey Scale

Fig. 16.1 is reprinted from page 638 of Sexual Behavior in the Human Male by A. Kinsey, W. Pomeroy, & C. Martin (1948).

The fact that #1-5 all describe bisexuality should make it obvious that there is a lot of diversity even within a group of individuals sharing the same sexual label. Although the Kinsey Scale allows for more wiggle room in how a person subjectively defines their sexuality, it can also get a little murky if sexual attraction widely differs from actual sexual experience — or if these aspects change/become more fluid over time.

Klein Grid

Developed by Fritz Klein in 1978, the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid aimed to expand and enhance Kinsey’s idea of a sexual continuum. To get a more complete view of one’s sexuality, the Klein Grid looks at…

  • sexual as well as nonsexual aspects of interpersonal interaction
  • experience, attraction, fantasy, and self-identification (all separately)
  • and the individual’s past, present, and future ideal orientation.

If you would like to take an online quiz version of the Klein Grid, you can do so here. For some individuals, the result may be the same as with the Kinsey Scale — or it may differ. Personally, when I took the Klein quiz, I scored almost a full number higher than I usually self-indentify on the Kinsey Scale. My partner, on the other hand, scored half a number lower.

Beyond the Binary: Pansexuality & Polysexuality

One thing that neither Kinsey nor Klein considered was the existence, and attraction to, individuals that do not fit into our society’s sex and/or gender dichotomy. Even when discussing bisexuality, everything is always “male” or “female,” biological “men” or biological “women.” This means that intersex individuals and those whose gender is more fluid are ignored. But a person’s sex or gender is not always a determining factor in whether or not we are attracted to them.

Those who identify as pansexual remove the constraints of sex & gender binaries altogether, affirming that they can be attracted to anyone — including people of all possible sexes and genders. While some pansexual individuals may have preferences, they remain open to any attraction they experience, focusing more on the person as an individual.

Polysexuals are similar to pansexuals in that their love is not limited to strict societal binaries. However, unlike pansexuals, they may still have some groups of individuals who they are not attracted to based on sex or gender.

Asexuality

Individuals who identify as asexual do not experience sexual attraction to anyone, regardless of sex or gender. While Kinsey did discover a small percentage of people who he described as having “no socio-sexual contacts or reactions,” it was only mentioned in passing. Even now, there is a surprising lack of scientific research regarding asexuality — but a growing community has surfaced. (The Asexual Visibility & Education Network, or AVEN, is a fantastic resource.)

Asexuality can vary widely, depending on the individual. Some experience sexual arousal, but no desire to necessarily share that experience with another person. Some choose to engage in sexual activity without personally feeling sexual desire. Some individuals also inhabit a “gray area” between sexual and asexual which they have defined as being gray-sexual or “gray-a.” This may mean that they go through periods of being asexual, followed by periods of being sexual or it may mean that they experience very little sexual attraction, only under certain circumstances. (For example: Demisexual individuals only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has been formed.)

Because this is a more complex view of sexual orientation, it may help to envision a pyramid of how many individuals a person of each orientation may potentially be attracted to — based on the sex or gender of the other person.

Sexual Orientation Pyramid

 

Sexual Orientation vs. Romantic Orientation?

Although many definitions for “sexual orientation” include a romantic component, it is important to remember that sexual attraction and romantic attraction can be very separate. Many (but not all) asexuals experience romantic attraction and desire companionship without sex. And a person that is sexually attracted to one gender or sex may be romantically attracted to another. For example, an individual may be heterosexual in that they desire sexual activity with the opposite sex and biromantic, desiring a romantic connection with members of the same and opposite sex. For every sexual orientation term, there is a romantic orientation equivalent (ex: heterosexual/heteroromantic, bisexual/biromantic, asexual/aromatic, etc) and a person has one of each.

5 Porn Stars (and Why I Love Them!)

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It’s not a big secret that I’m a fan of porn. I also realize that a confession like that can make a lot of different people uncomfortable (or even angry). I’m planning a future post on porn from a more societal perspective, but for now, I wanted to share a few of my favorite well-known performers in the porn industry!

Stoya

Yes, Stoya is beautiful. Her pale skin, small breasts, and mildly punky appearance (especially when she had pierced nipples & blue/purple hair) were the first things to catch my eye. But a pretty face isn’t enough to make me seek out more of a porn star’s work for years to come. No, I return to Stoya’s videos because she makes sex look fun. She giggles, squeaks, and makes the absolute best sex faces. Her scenes effortlessly switch from playful and light-hearted to rough and breathtakingly passionate, reminding me that intimacy is rarely “serious business.”

As if I needed any more reasons to adore Stoya, she’s also very talented off screen. She writes fantastic articles for Vice and educates about consent and adult performers rights as part of the Adult Performer Advocacy Committee. Her blog and Instagram are intellectual but down-to-earth — filled with mentions of her favorite books, adorable photos of her many cats, and occasional appearances from her real-life partner, James Deen.

James Deen

***On November 28, 2015, Stoya confessed on Twitter that she was raped by James Deen. I can no longer support him as a person or suggest him as a performer.***

Deen has a certain charisma that is absent in a lot of male performers. Whether he’s doing mainstream porn or BDSM, his scenes aren’t focused on what he’s doing to a woman, but what he’s doing with her. I am continuously in awe of the on-screen chemistry that he shares with all of his female co-stars — especially Stoya. He’s always pulling them close, grasping them tightly, and whispering into their ears. (What I wouldn’t give to know what he’s whispering!) For me, his confidence and dominance are even more attractive than his physical appearance, but I can’t deny that I am also really curious about his signature vibrator.

To make him even more charming, he seems to have a very carefree sense of humor. This sometimes carries over into his work, like the internet-famous “Lemon Stealing Whore” clip and the video behind “I am a baby panda! I do what I want!” (Confused? You can read about it on his blog.) He also does an online video series called James Deen Loves Food where you can see him make a $580.37 burrito, taste test 27 different kinds of mustard, and occasionally lose some clothing.

Buck Angel

I firmly believe that porn can be used for more than just helping people achieve orgasm. As the self-proclaimed “Man with a Pussy,” Buck challenges our society’s gender dichotomy. He helps make transgendered individuals more visible in the sex industry and the media at large. His work with trans women forces viewers to question if what they are watching is still mainstream heterosexual porn — or if perhaps they should abandon those labels altogether. His body positive attitude towards his vagina disproves the widely-held belief that all transgendered individuals choose bottom surgery. Some do and some don’t. It’s a personal decision.

I highly suggest watching Dan Hunt’s 2013 documentary, Mr. Angel. (At the time of this post, you can find it streaming on Netflix.) Buck’s Youtube channel also offers a lot of uplifting and educational messages for trans men, including his Public Cervix Announcement.

Nina Hartley

As a fellow sex-positive feminist and advocate for sex education, Nina is a big inspiration to me. Her interviews show that she is a passionate and well-spoken woman who could be the official spokesperson of the porn industry. (She is also a member of Adult Performer Advocacy Committee.) With a degree in nursing, her fame proved that a woman could be professional & educated and still choose porn because she enjoys it. Poly, bisexual, and active in the D/s lifestyle, she completely owns who she is. She has also continued to be prolific despite the fact that she is an aging female in an industry that values youth and Photoshopped beauty. And people say that you can’t be an empowered woman in porn!

Ron Jeremy

Admittedly, I have seen surprisingly little porn starring Ron Jeremy. While I find the nickname “Hedgehog” completely adorable, he’s not exactly my type. However, I do have respect for the man. Watch Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy and you’ll see that he works hard and takes his job seriously. Because of that, he has made a name for himself in an industry that commonly reduces its male performers to nameless penises. Over the years, his body has aged and changed, only making him more of an idol for the “average guy.”

He constantly shows his fun-loving nature with comedy performances and parodies of Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball” video. I also had the chance to meet him recently, and he was just as nice as I had expected — even while I was reduced to nervous giggles and awkward silence. Fun fact: He has a Master’s degree in Special Education, freaking some people out but proving to others that ‘Hey! Porn stars are real people too!’