Essays

My Experience on Trivora (Oral Contraceptive)

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Why I Chose Oral Contraceptives

For the first couple of years that I was sexually active, I relied on male condoms. But even though my partner and I were both super strict about using them correctly, the typical-use failure rate of 18% made me nervous. I needed something more reliable, and since I was part of a committed & monogamous relationship, I started researching hormonal methods. Of course, these presented me with a whole new set of concerns. Some females in my family have experienced very negative reactions to ‘The Pill,’ like fainting. The idea of a lower libido or an expanding waistline weren’t very appealing either. But what worried me the most was the risk for depression.

Despite my concerns, I reasoned that oral contraceptives would be a relatively cheap way to experiment with hormonal methods. And if the side effects turned out to be unbearable, stopping the hormones would be quick and easy when compared to more invasive methods (implants or IUDs). After discussing my options with a nurse practitioner at my local Planned Parenthood, I started Trivora.

What’s Trivora?

Trivora is a combined hormonal contraceptive, meaning that it includes both estrogen and progestin. For practical purposes, this means that it has a slightly larger window for error when compared with progestin-only pills. It’s also triphasic, meaning that there are 3 different doses of hormones in each 1-month pack of pills.  My nurse practitioner suggested Trivora partly as a way to test my body’s reaction to different levels of hormones. It was also on the cheaper side of the spectrum, costing about $20/pack.

My Initial Response

Just as I feared, the first month or so on Trivora was emotional hell. I was crying almost daily. I became consumed by obsessive & negative thoughts, to the point that I no longer felt in control of my own mind. My life goals floated away along with my motivation and desire for everything that usually made me happy. My history with depression had returned full-force. Needless to say, sex was the last thing on my mind. I was simply trying to function well enough to survive. And my partner was becoming very, very concerned.

I knew that it could take up to 3 months for my body to adjust to the new medication, so I (somewhat dangerously) forced my way through the symptoms I was experiencing. Thankfully, somewhere in the second month, everything calmed down. I gradually started to feel a desire for life again, and I returned to a state of emotional stability. Now, after almost a year, my partner even swears that my PMS mood swings (pre-Trivora) have disappeared.

My Positive Experiences

Most importantly, I’m not pregnant. Granted, this has a lot to do with my strict adherence to taking ‘The Pill’ at the exact same time, every single day. But still, Trivora has done its #1 job. I also have a much more regular menstrual cycle, with lighter menses. (My periods were very heavy and painful before.) I haven’t gained excessive amounts of weight. I haven’t suffered from headaches or fainting spells. Physically, I feel pretty much the same as always.

Why I’m Still Looking for Another Method

While Trivora was a good starting point for testing the waters of hormonal birth control, I can’t help but feel that it’s not the perfect match for me. For one, I am experiencing a few annoyances like increased breast tenderness and possibly a decrease in sexual desire. (It’s hard to determine what is due to hormones and what is due to other factors, like stress or relationship familiarity.) Also, the cost, though conveniently spread out over time, is still more expensive than other more effective methods.

For this reason, I’m currently researching Mirena and Skyla IUDs. Both of these are top-tier methods that have lower levels of progestin (and completely lack estrogen). Of course, they also have their own risks. Starting a new method is always a little scary. What works perfectly for one woman may be disastrous for another. But until I find I solution that I’m truly satisfied with, I’ll keep trying. And I’ll also keep reporting my experiences for other women who are searching.

What are your experiences with oral contraceptives? 

Update: I have since switched to Enpresse and, although it is simply a different generic form of Trivora, my breast tenderness has almost entirely disappeared. My emotional state also seems even more stable. At this time, I am content with my method of contraception and have changed my mind about getting an IUD.

 

6 BDSM Principles That Vanilla Couples Should Follow

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The luxury sex toy company, Lelo, recently published an infographic about the decline in “kinky” sex toy sales. It seems that the Fifty Shades of Grey fad may finally be coming to a close within the vanilla mainstream. However, even if these individuals didn’t find what they were looking for in whips and handcuffs, there’s still plenty of good sex advice to be taken from the kink community (the real, healthy sort — not E.L. James’ abusive misrepresentation). When BDSM gets mentioned, its basic tenets often get overlooked, crowded out of one’s mind by more risqué imagery. But those basics are exactly what every couple could benefit from.

1. Communication

While it may be a relationship flaw that you associate more with your grandparents, the sad fact is that many couples still engage in a lifetime of sex without ever having a discussion about it. They don’t tell their partner what feels good — or what would feel even better. They don’t communicate their fantasies or desires. In stark contrast are BDSM checklists (like this one), which bring all sorts of sexual acts out into the open. Discussions about one’s sexual history, desires, and limits are encouraged so that the people involved know how best to please one another. Most importantly, sex is seen as a fun and pleasurable experience to be shared, not something to be ashamed of.

2. Consent

Establishing this open line of communication takes the guessing game out of sexual activity. Each person knows what the other is comfortable with before they ever enter the bedroom (or dungeon). They know what limits can safely be pushed and what should be avoided entirely. Healthy BDSM relationships also recognize the importance of consent given freely and uninfluenced by mind-altering substances or circumstances.

3. Safewords

Even with the issue of consent discussed beforehand, sometimes sexual activity doesn’t go as planned. In BDSM play, there are usually 2 levels of safewords: a yellow word that means ‘slow down’ or ‘I need a break’ and a red word that means ‘stop everything now.’ Knowing that these words are available during sex keeps communication flowing. Of course there are always ‘no’ and ‘stop,’ but many people do not use those words except in extreme cases. Maybe they fear offending their partner, or maybe they are too embarassed to stop the action and say, “This really isn’t working for me right now. Could we try ___ instead?”

4. Safety

BDSM is big on safety, and for good reason. When you are exploring the fine line between pleasure and pain, you need to be sure not to do any lasting damage. But there are other ways of being safe that apply to vanilla couples as well. All couples need to be able to discuss their STI status and their preferred methods of protection from both STIs and pregnancy. Every individual should feel entitled to use protection. If a sexual partner will not agree to it, s/he obviously does not respect you or your body. That is a perfectly good reason to refuse sexual activity.

5. Foreplay

One way for vanilla folks to think of BDSM is that it involves a lot of foreplay. In fact, for professional Dominants, that’s basically all it is. A lot of time (sometimes several hours) is spent focusing on a partner’s body in ways that are not always explicitly sexual. Foreplay is good. It can increase intimacy, as well as make eventual intercourse more pleasurable. (If a female is aroused, her vagina will expand to create more insertable space.) Kink also seems to encourage people to get more creative with their foreplay methods, which can be good advice for everyone. For example, you can try using a feather duster in a more erotic way.

6. Aftercare

Aftercare is a time for reassurance, comfort, and debriefing at the end of a BDSM scene. All of the “he fell right asleep” jokes make it obvious that the vanilla world is aware of the importance of post-coital intimacy. However, debriefing is almost unheard of. Most people are probably afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings. But a simple, respectful discussion of “What did you enjoy the most? What were you not so keen on?” can be a really easy way to improve future sexual activity. Your partner cannot read your mind.

The important part of sex is not always what you’re doing in the bedroom — but how you’re doing it. Although we often separate the worlds of vanilla and kink, these principles can be universally applied to all healthy sexual relationships.

Slut-Shaming: Damaging to Women Everywhere

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The first time that I remember being called a “slut,” I was about 10 years old. As an elementary student, I barely understood what the word meant — let alone how it applied to me. A kiss on the cheek was as “sexual” as I had been at that age. I know now that my sexual history had nothing to do with my label. I was an outsider. I preferred the rough & tumble company of the guys to the makeovers & gossip of the girls. I went through a phase of shopping in the boys’ section before coming to terms with my developing body. And I almost always had a boyfriend, although we were little more than best friends who awkwardly hugged in the hallway. In middle school, I embraced the role of the rebel and dated a couple of high school guys. The slut slurs thrived for a few years, but eventually, my purity ring and monogamy put an end to any controversy surrounding me. There were other girls to call a slut; girls who were said to have had an abortion or gotten chlamydia. I was old news.

What is “slut-shaming” and why do we do it?

Slut-shaming is sex-negative behavior that occurs when a person is made to feel shameful or guilty for enjoying sexual activity, participating in sexual activity, or even simply being part of a rumor involving sexual activity.

Many people hold tightly to the misconception that a girl is only called a slut if she “deserves” it, i.e., is sexually promiscuous. It makes people uncomfortable to think about the unrelated & insignificant reasons that slut rumors get started. In reality, these rumors may evolve out of jealousy, anger, peer-pressure, or nothing but plain old meanness. A girl can be targeted for anything, ranging from her appearance (knee-high boots or large breasts) to her real or imagined behavior (public displays of affection or association with certain cliques). Fellow girls often start these rumors in order to feel superior to a girl they dislike. Boys often lie about having sex with a girl simply to prove their manliness. Both genders spread the rumors in order to “fit in” with the crowd while distancing themselves from the girl in question. And adults may ignore the harassment, believing that making an example out of one girl will scare the rest into being chaste. 

What damage does slut-shaming cause? 

Even if someone is willing to accept that virginal girls are sometimes wrongly accused of being “sluts,” they usually lack sympathy for the girl whose rumors are actually true. This displays a fear of female sexuality, viewing it as something that is inherently wrong. It’s a perfect example of the sexual double standard. A promiscuous male is “just being a boy,” “sowing his oats,” or is praised for being a “stud.” But the idea that a woman could consensually engage in the same sexual activity (and enjoy it) makes people want to punish her.

Slut shaming is harmful to all women. It damages one’s confidence. It can cause isolation from peers and lead to depression. It invites sexual harassment, even rape, from boys who consider her “easy.” It may create a negative association with sex that could last a lifetime. And it perpetuates society’s dichotomy of good girl vs. bad girl, based entirely off our sexual purity — not our achievements.

How do we put a stop to slut-shaming?

Being raised with the idea that sex is shameful, I spent many years judging others (mostly females) by the number of people that they had sex with. Even now, I’ll occasionally catch myself trying to make a friend smile by reassuring her that her crush’s booty-call is a “whore.” Being conscious of slut-shaming does not automatically stop the behavior. It takes effort.

Get into the habit of checking yourself before you comment on someone’s sexuality. (Let’s be honest, it’s rarely appropriate.) Call others out on their slut-shaming — whether they’re male or female, teenager or adult. And if you’re looking for more information on the topic, I highly suggest Leora Tanenbaum’s book, Slut! Growing Up Female with a Bad Reputation.

Getting Handsy: Male Genitalia

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Handjobs get a bad rap. For some reason, we’ve created a hierarchy of sexual activities: some are associated with juvenile sexual experimentation while others are viewed as more “advanced.” The handjob has ended up at the bottom of that sexual totem pole. (Despite the fact that some men do prefer handjobs to other sexual activity.) As we gain more sexual experience, we sometimes forget about the activities that aroused us at the beginning of our journey. For this reason, many people may consider it weird that a couple would “return” to handjobs after they have had intercourse.

“Couldn’t he just masturbate?”

While the mechanics may essentially be the same, you can give your partner a wholly different experience than he can give himself. Not only is there the perk that he’s not doing any of the work (which also means that he doesn’t know what sensation is coming next), but there’s also the intimacy factor. Don’t overlook this! A task that usually “gets the job done” can become a whole body experience if you’re also kissing and caressing other parts of his body.

“Isn’t he better at this than me?”

Of course he knows how to please his body the best; he’s had the most experience! But that doesn’t mean that you will never live up to his skills. It puts him in the perfect position to teach you what he likes better than anyone else. Ask him! If both of you are comfortable with it, watch him masturbate. This way, you’ll be able to learn the rhythm and technique that he prefers: where he puts his hand, what speed he enjoys, etc. If you’re concerned about the amount of pressure to apply (a common complaint with handjobs), ask him for a hand-over-hand lesson. With his hand overtop of yours, you’ll be able to feel firsthand what type of stimulation he enjoys.

“So, a handjob is more than just stroking up and down?”

I think this is a common misconception that women have and it helps to prevent them from giving more pleasurable handies. Become a pro at his personal technique (complete with any twists of the hand or changes in pressure), but also don’t be afraid to experiment. Try out different lubricants, and different amounts of those lubricants. Experiment with different positions. For example, do you want to be intimately cuddled up beside him or kneeling on the floor at his feet?  Find out if he enjoys his testicles being played with. Some men hate it, while some may cum at the slightest rub, tug, squeeze, or light smack. And most importantly, show your enthusiasm! Dirty talk can be a real plus here.

It’s not my intention to create a “handjob how-to.” There are plenty of those out there already. If you’re looking for more concrete techniques, I recommend www.handjobadvice.com. Although the site has plenty of problems (a couple of broken links, some uneducated statements, and the sense that it hasn’t been updated since the ’90s), it also has some really strong points. For one, there’s no nudity: All techniques are demonstrated on a dildo, making this good for people who are uncomfortable with pornographic material. There’s also enough short videos that it should really get your creative juices flowing.

Bring back the handjob!

There are many reasons to make handjobs a reoccurring item on your sexual menu.  You could be in-between birth control methods, or find yourself without STI protection, and want a relatively safe way to share intimacy. Perhaps you aren’t quite in the mood for sex, but you still want to please your partner. Maybe you want to slow things down and pretend that the two of you are teenagers again. Or maybe you just want a wide variety of sex acts to choose from in your relationship. Our enthusiastic attitudes can ensure that handjobs are seen as a legitimate form of sexual intimacy — not just an activity reserved for the backseat of your car after prom!

Enthusiastic Consent: Sexy & Necessary

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According to RAINN’s website, 1 in 6 American women have been the victim of an attempted or completed rape. There is a sexual assault every 2 minutes in the US alone. When Yale frat boys enthusiastically chant “No means yes, yes means anal,” it’s no surprise that a recent UK study found that nearly 1/3 of students are not learning about consent in sex ed. (Imagine what that says about students in the US, where any sex education beyond abstinence is practically nonexistent.)

Consent is…

Sexual consent is when all persons involved in any sexual activity have voluntarily agreed to that activity. A consenting person is free of mind-altering substances, as well as manipulation or force from others. They have a full understanding of the situation and are old enough to legally agree to it. Consent can have limitations. A person may consent to oral sex but not intercourse, spanking but not if it leaves bruises. Consent can also be revoked at any time. Even if someone previously agreed to intercourse, but changes their mind mid-act. Even if you have been with your partner for years and have had sex hundreds of times.

There are two types of consent: verbal & nonverbal. Verbal consent is very explicit, using one’s words in order to remove doubt or confusion about the situation. In the most basic sense, this is telling someone else “I want to have sex with you.” However, even though communicating verbally is much more efficient, many of us rely on nonverbal cues during sexual activity. If you want to have sex with your partner, you may moan and unbutton their pants in order to make your intentions clear. But this can be a tricky situation, especially for new couples.

Consent is not…

Consent is not based off of assumptions. While writing this, I was reminded of an email forward from when I was a teenager that described what different kisses mean. According to the wisdom of the internet, a kiss on the stomach meant “I’m ready.” I don’t know about you, but kissing a guy’s stomach came long before I was ready to have sex! My point is that different people interpret actions in different ways. If you gauge your partner’s desire for one action (sex) by their enthusiasm for another action (undoing their pants), you make the mistake of assuming. In this example, your partner may be expecting petting, oral sex, or even just some pants-less time together.

Consent is not the absence of “no” or “stop.” An argument during the Steubenville rape case was that the victim never said no — even though she was intoxicated to the point that even her attackers described her as “like a dead body.” Anyone in their right mind can see that this is absurd. But people also refrain from saying “no” for plenty of reasons beyond being physically incapacitated. Peer pressure and a fear of rejection are just a couple of big influences, especially for young individuals. “Maybe” or “I guess so” also don’t count. If the person you are with seems to have some reservations about sexual activity, stop and have a more in-depth discussion about it. 

Despite what some believe, consent does not ruin the mood. It shows your partner that you are concerned for their comfort & pleasure. And what’s better than knowing that the person you are with truly wants to be with you?

My Challenge to You

The sad truth is, even if we know all of this and we aim for explicit consent, we get lazy sometimes — especially in long-term relationships. Therefore, my challenge is that you make an honest effort to give & get consent. I’m not saying that you have to explicitly ask for consent every time you kiss or touch your partner. You can discuss consent beforehand. The next time things are getting a little steamy, you can whisper in their ear what you’d like to do, or ask if they’d like for you to get a condom. If you’re shy, showing your consent nonverbally is still better than nothing — but take it beyond just “not saying no.” Remember: consent is an enthusiastic yes!