Essays

Sharing Your Sexual Fantasies

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I keep running into the same question from people looking to actualize their sexual fantasies: How do I convince my partner? The problem is they’re asking the wrong question. “Convincing” someone to engage in a sexual activity that they are opposed to will not be pleasurable for anyone involved. However, you can express your desires, without expectation or intimidation, in hopes of greater intimacy.

Before Sharing Your Fantasies

Know yourself. Have a detailed understanding of your specific desires. The same general fantasy (Ex: spanking) can mean different things to different people, and you need to be prepared to explain what it is that you want. (Spanker vs. spankee, red bottom vs. bruising, paddle vs. cane?) Consider why something turns you on, or what exactly seems appealing about it. Are you drawn to the physical sensation, an emotional reaction, or a combination? Also, know the importance of your desires. Are you sharing in order to learn something about each other, or to turn fantasy into reality? Is this something that you can live without or is it necessary for your happiness? 

Know your partner. Unless this is your method for weeding out potential love interests, take a moment to consider your partner. Are they open or conservative about sexuality? You may want to test the waters by mentioning your fantasy in a way that is unrelated to your relationship. For example, when a celebrity’s foot fetish gets media coverage, ask your partner’s opinion. Consider if your fantasy might take too much of a physical or emotional toll. Do they have a physical condition that would make an action or position uncomfortable? What about a negative experience from their past that might resurface? If you know your partner well, you might be able to anticipate their questions & concerns.

Know your relationship. Each relationship is different, and everyone deals with these discussions in different ways. Remember, this can be a very dangerous activity for a couple. Does your relationship feel ready? If you’re not sure, are you comfortable taking the risk?

Starting the Discussion

Don’t think of this as a “once and done” conversation. Depending on you & your partner’s comfort level, confessing your fantasies may be a multi-step process. Also, fantasies change: sometimes they continue to expand into new territory and sometimes reality just isn’t as great as you imagined. The important thing is to open up the line of communication.

If both of you are comfortable discussing sex, you may be able to share your fantasies (and ask about your partner’s) with little pretense. However, phrasing is important. If you’re having trouble, rely on I-statements and avoid abrupt confessions that may make your partner uneasy. (“I think your feet are really sexy, and giving you a foot massage would really turn me on.” vs. “I have a foot fetish. Let me suck your toes.”) Also be mindful of possibly coercive or unfavorable settings. For example, confessing your fantasies in the middle of a sexual activity may seem like a request, placing undue pressure on your partner. It also doesn’t allow time for them to ask questions. Instead, consider neutral situations, like while folding laundry together. Or intimate, but not necessarily sexual activities, like cuddling. 

If at least one of you is shy about these sorts of topics or you’re worried about your partner’s reaction, jumping right in may not be particularly helpful — or even possible. You may find that a sexual checklist or a Want/Will/Won’t chart makes the discussion easier. Sexual checklists are commonly used within the BDSM community, but you can find more general ones as well. If you’re interested in creating a Want/Will/Won’t chart, Dr. Lindsey Doe created a very informative video on the topic here. Both of these can provide you with a lot of conversation starters, and serve as great tools for learning about each other’s sexuality.

Responding to Negative Reactions

If you can tell that the conversation is not going in a positive direction, do not force it. Keep in mind that while you have probably had years to think about your fantasy, it may be a novel idea for your partner. They may need time to get comfortable with the information. They also may never be comfortable with it. How you handle this depends on why you wanted to share your fantasies in the first place. If you were primarily looking for greater emotional intimacy, let your partner know that. Stress that you shared this part of yourself out of trust and/or love. If they have questions later, that’s great, but reassure them that you do not expect them to make your fantasies a reality. On the other hand, if this is something that you find necessary to experience, then you may have to ask yourself if this relationship is right for you.

Popular BDSM Erotica: Damaged & Diluted

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What images come to mind when you think of BDSM practitioners? Do you picture a loving, committed couple in the privacy of their own bedroom or a strict, leather clad Dominatrix in a public dungeon? Are they plagued by mental illness or are they leading happy, healthy lives volunteering at your local soup kitchen? Or do you envision a group so diverse that it can include any combination of these and more? 

Some time ago, I read an article in Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures called “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in the U.S. Popular Media” by Margot D. Weiss.1 While the entire book was one that I would highly recommend, this entry in particular really stuck with me. Why? Because Weiss much more eloquently states what I have been thinking for years: more media representation does NOT necessarily lead to a more widespread acceptance or understanding of BDSM. Quality over quantity, people.

Weiss makes her case by pointing out two ways that BDSM is often portrayed: (1) by “normalizing” and (2) by “pathologizing” the behavior. While her article deals specifically with the film Secretary, I couldn’t help but also apply what Weiss was saying to the recent trend of BDSM erotica. Here, the act of “normalizing” makes a moderate amount of sense from a business standpoint. The target market for erotica largely overlaps with romance paperbacks. The classic BDSM storyline where a girl enters into a 24/7 power exchange (with intense training & canes that cause bruising welts) scares a lot of those readers. Therefore, in order to sell more books, authors substitute a diluted version of BDSM that feels risky to the vanilla crowd, but ends at blindfolds and handcuffs. (Some, like E.L. James, even have their “Dominant” abandon BDSM once they fall in love, replacing it with a desire for marriage and children.)

Although this limited view is somewhat annoying, it’s Weiss’ research on “pathologizing” that worries me the most, because it senslessly threatens the BDSM community. The most popular example is, of course, E.L. James’ Fifty Shades Trilogy. Christian’s backstory includes being physically abused as a child as well as sexually manipulated as a teenager by a much older woman. He goes into therapy, admits that he basically beats women that remind him of his mother, and believes that his penchant for BDSM is a disease that Ana cures him of. Ana backs this belief up by constantly wondering how bad his past was to make him like the things that he does. Wow. While the BDSM community and many psychologists are working to revise the DSM’s criteria for sadomasochism, this nonsense is making the bestseller’s list.

We can’t even try to pretend that Fifty Shades is an isolated incident. What Happens After Dark by Jasmine Haynes is about a girl who was abused by her father. She uses BDSM to cope, engaging in potentially dangerous behavior with strangers. In Bared to You by Sylvia Day, both Gideon and Eva are victims of past abuse. Eva was sexually violated by a member of her family, Gideon by a childhood doctor. Their past abuse makes their passion more “raw and intense.” 

These representations “enforce the boundaries between normal and not normal,” says Weiss. It leads to wrongful assumptions and discrimination. Court cases against those involved in BDSM are not a thing of the past. Individuals are still at risk for losing friends, lovers, family members, and careers because of a sexual behavior that others have deemed as “sick.” And in a time when erotica could easily be used to further the cause of sexual freedom with respectful, knowledgeable, and sex positive depictions, many authors are perpetuating an outdated view of the damaged individual who practices BDSM that is mildly kinky at best — and abusive at worst.

1. Margot D. Weiss. 2006. “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in U.S. Popular Media.” Journal of Homosexuality 50(2/3): 103-130.

You can also find an electronic copy of the article here.

IU Sexploration – Fall 2013 (Part Two)

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Incase you missed it, I discuss anthropologist Helen Fisher, erotic photographer Barbara Nitke, & “hooking up” in Part One.

11/4 – Dr. Kand McQueen: Breaking the Gender Dichotomy: Why Two Are Definitely Not Enough

McQueen is a public speaker spreading knowledge & societal acceptance of individuals who do not neatly fit into the categories of “male” or “female” in sex and/or gender. At this event, McQueen presented a brief overview of different transgender identities that people often confuse: cross dressers (dress as opposite sex), drag queens/kings (perform/entertain as opposite sex), gender queer (identify as neither, both, or moving between sex/gender), and transsexual (identify as the opposite sex).

Transsexual rights, or the lack thereof, were also addressed. McQueen shared stories that broke my heart; terrible injustices done to human beings simply because their gender wasn’t male OR female. For example, Robert Eads, whose experience was documented in the film Southern Comfort, was a female-to-male transsexual individual diagnosed with ovarian cancer. Because of societal concerns, over two dozen doctors denied him treatment, allowing the cancer to spread and cause his death. Unfortunately, his story is but one of many.

Despite the fact that intersex condition rates may be as high as 1 in every 100, the rights of intersex individuals are rarely talked about. McQueen addressed them directly. For those unfamiliar with the term, “intersex” is used when chromosomal or anatomical variation occurs, complicating the biological distinction between male or female. Historically, doctors have often been the ones to decide which sex the child should be raised as…and their decisions have not always been healthy for the children in question. For years, biological boys born with what is called a “micropenis” (exactly what it sounds like) would have their penis and testicles amputated and be raised as girls. Doctors would then advise parents to keep this a secret, even from their child. Talk about being confused about what’s happening with your body. Plus, early surgery like this can drastically reduce genital sensitivity, robbing individuals of sexual pleasure — for life!

Overall, McQueen’s keynote address (including personal narrative) promoted education, acceptance, and social justice in a very candid and accessible manner. For a thought provoking experience on gender identity, I would highly suggest attending or scheduling a talk by Dr. Kand McQueen.

11/20 – How to Survive a Plague (Screening and Q&A with director David France)

If you keep up to date on film news, you may have heard about this Oscar-nominated documentary on the AIDS epidemic. How to Survive a Plague follows two New York-based organizations, ACT UP (AIDS Coalition to Unleash Power) and TAG (Treatment Action Group), and their fight to find an effective treatment for HIV/AIDS.  First-time director David France had just moved into NY when the epidemic began. Although he never contracted HIV himself, he dedicated this film to the lover that he lost to the disease. Combining his own footage with clips from media coverage and other members in ACT UP & TAG, France created a raw portrayal of minority struggle and community activism.

As part of a generation that was born in the middle of the AIDS crisis, I wholeheartedly believe that every 20-something should see this movie. It’s a part of history that should not be forgotten, but yet the story has ceased to be told. Growing up, I never heard about how the government largely ignored AIDS until it was out of control and had already killed thousands. I never knew how many people in positions of power openly spoke out against AIDS victims like they didn’t even deserve to live. And I never saw the diversity of people affected or involved, because in the rural Midwest “AIDS is a gay man’s disease.” (This still seems widely believed, despite the fact that globally, more than half of the people living with HIV/AIDS are women.)

AIDS awareness and prevention continue to be overlooked in sex education and the media. That condoms don’t protect against HIV or that AIDS can be transmitted through saliva — or even by shaking hands — are just some of the still prevalent paranoid myths. On the other hand, some complacent individuals view AIDS as a battle that has already been won. (The NY Times recently reported on the increased rates of unprotected sex among gay men and how this nonchalance may factor in.) The sad truth is this: there is no vaccine and millions die every year because they cannot access or afford treatment. Despite the need to focus on prevention instead of damage control, I almost never hear about the amazing new discoveries that have been made or are still developing, like the pre- and post- exposure prophylaxis or the contraceptive vaginal ring with HIV and herpes protection that is scheduled for clinical testing in 2014.

If you have Netflix, How to Survive a Plague is available for streaming at the time of this post. Watch it. Learn about the amazing activists who made a difference. If you feel inspired, check to see if an ACT UP chapter or another organization dedicated to fighting HIV/AIDS is near you.

IU Sexploration – Fall 2013 (Part One)

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Each year, the Kinsey Institute partners with various student organizations and health services to provide students (and the greater community) with a series of events that celebrate knowledge of sexuality & gender. Different from years past, Indiana University’s 6th annual Sexploration was spread out over two months, making it much easier to attend.  (I still couldn’t go to everything, but I was so close.) While I’m awaiting next year, here’s a recap of my Sexploration 2013 experience.

10/1- Dr. Helen Fisher: Lust, Romance, Attachment: The Drive to Love & Who We Choose

Fisher is an anthropologist who studies love and attraction. She has written several books, including Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. She also works closely with Match.com to develop questionnaires that utilize science for finding romantic compatibility.

Fisher has derived 4 styles of human thought/behavior from compounds present in all of us: dopamine, serotonin, testosterone, & estrogen/oxytocin. Forming these groups from common traits, she has observed attraction trends. (Ex: The estrogen/oxytocin group, “negotiators,” are described as intuitive and empathetic. They are generally attracted to “directors” from the testosterone group, who are ambitious and competitive.)

She also distinguishes between 3 separate drives: lust/libido, romantic attraction, and attachment. This reminded me a lot of Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, but Fisher did not use these drives to gauge the strength of a relationship. Instead, she states that while they can occur within a single pairing, a relationship may also be formed on only one or two drives. Individuals may have separate partners to meet separate needs. And a relationship can evolve in any order. (What starts as “friends with benefits” may lead to an exclusive relationship and vice versa.)

Although her recent work on personality traits kept my attention, I am much more intrigued by her older research on love from an evolutionary perspective — which unfortunately wasn’t the focus of this lecture. However, if you want to find out what style you might be, Chemistry.com offers a free questionnaire. And if you would like to learn more about Fisher’s work in general, she has done some excellent TED talks.

10/10- Barbara Nitke: American Ecstasy: A Photographic Look Behind the Scenes of the Golden Age of Porn

Nitke began her artistic career on porn sets in the early 1980s, taking promotional photos. In between scenes, she began to focus on the reality of adult film instead of what the promo materials idealized, taking photos of stars in un-airconditioned rooms (which interfered with sound quality) or moments of boredom. She later worked for mail-order fetish companies, where many previously mainstream porn stars transferred during the AIDS epidemic. This work led to her involvement with the Eulenspiegel Society where she met real-life couples to photograph more intimately.

As a fan of Nitke’s work, I was very excited for this event. She talked about her career while showing beautiful photographs from her new book American Ecstasy, her first book Kiss of Fire: A Romantic View of Sadomasochism, and other unpublished collections. When she showed her work on body suspensions, there was an audible gasp from the audience and I could feel the discomfort around me. Without missing a beat, Nitke provided a very positive and candid explanation of endorphins and the experience of pleasurable pain within a trusting environment/relationship.

Perhaps what I most appreciate about Nitke and her work is how open she is to different behaviors and ideas. She is a respectful observer, motivated by genuine curiosity, who explores sexuality through her camera. If you are interested in Nitke’s erotic photography, she offers substantial previews on her website.

10/14- Sex Ed: A Real Conversation About Sexual Hookups in College

Dr. Justin R. Garcia and Dr. Kristen Jozkowski led a very rewarding discussion on hookups. With the help of the application PollEv, the audience could even anonymously interact. Despite the fact that 65-85% of college students are “hooking up,” it quickly became clear that the term is very ambiguous. Some define it with intercourse, while others argue that kissing or touching warrants the same title. The only consistent factor is the context; lack of romantic commitment. (Although some do wonder if hookups are becoming the new first date.)

For sex positive individuals, the problem is not casual sex. The problem is a lack of communication about both pleasure and consent. In a hookup, individuals (especially women) are more uncomfortable communicating what they desire and what they find pleasurable. A gender gap also divides what people are comfortable doing in a hookup, with women being somewhat less comfortable with all activities compared to males. (Men, however, are reported as disproportionately uncomfortable giving oral sex.) When comfort levels are down, so are reports of sexual satisfaction.

More important is the issue of consent. Men and women interpret expressions of consent differently. While women use and expect verbal consent, men often use and rely on non-verbal cues such as body language. It’s easy to imagine a scenario where one person, expecting to be explicitly asked for their consent before having intercourse, continues along what the other person interprets as the “all clear.” Add in alcohol and this miscommunication gets much more pronounced, possibly attributing to the high rates of sexual assault on college campuses.

So how do we fix this? A simple answer is for women to speak up, and for men to verbally ask for consent. But this isn’t so easy for a lot of people. In our society, women are still not supposed to enjoy sex or demand their own pleasure. A persistent fear of “ruining the mood” by asking questions also exists. We need to assure ourselves and others that sex should be a pleasurable experience for all involved, and that everyone has equal rights within a sexual encounter. 

If you’re interested in more of the current research about hooking up, Jozkowski wrote a wonderful supplementary article about consent at Kinsey Confidential, The NY Times recently reported on the lack of female pleasure in particular, and ScienceDaily shared some of the reasons behind hookup behavior.

I review the documentary ‘How to Survive a Plague’ & Dr. Kand McQueen’s discussion on gender in Part Two.

Erogenous Zones: Different Strokes for Different Folks?

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Perhaps this sounds familiar…

You’re with a new partner & things are getting steamy. But your moaning is halted by wet, squishy noises (of the non-sexy variety) as you wonder why his/her tongue is inside your ear. Or maybe you once lightly touched the back of a partner’s knee expecting a sexy shiver. Instead you got accidentally kicked because they found it insufferably ticklish.

Somewhere, at some point in time, most people have heard about erogenous zones: those wonderful little areas on your body that just seem to burst with erotic potential when touched.

Countless magazine and web articles generalize our unique sexual experiences and boast certain spots as the “best” or “most surprising.” And though a “one size fits all” approach is rarely, if ever, a good idea,  some scientific backing to their method does exist. A recent study by Turnbull, Lovett, Chaldecott, and Lucas has reported surprising similarities across differences in age, race, and even sex.1 (A man’s penis is not his only erogenous zone, folks!)

Let’s start with what we know.

Erogenous zones come in two types: specific & nonspecific. Specific erogenous zones are those that are located on hairless skin that has lots of nerve endings close to the surface. These areas are perhaps what we think of as the most universal & obviously sexual, including the lips, penis, and clitoris. On the other hand, nonspecific erogenous zones have a normal concentration of nerves and can occur anywhere. Nonspecific erogenous zones probably vary a bit more between individuals. However, Turnbull et al. found that a majority of people receive greater stimulation from some areas (neck, thighs, ears) than others (hands, wrists, feet). And there are certain spots (elbow, nose, kneecap) that generally aren’t considered very sexual at all.

We still must keep in mind that just as not everyone agrees on the most delicious food, we can’t expect everyone to agree on the most sexually stimulating spot either. Although you can generalize and say “well, most people like chocolate” you might also know at least one person who much prefers broccoli.

So where does that leave you when you’re trying to navigate a partner’s body? Is there any one tip that can be applied to everyone?

Communication. 

Some people fear that by asking questions, they will seem sexually inexperienced or it will “ruin the mood,” but what it really does is show concern for someone else’s pleasure. I’ll dedicate another post to the various ways of approaching these sorts of delicate conversations, but for now, don’t be afraid to ask your partner which areas of their body they enjoy having touched and how they like to be touched there. (The “how” can make a huge difference. The same person might prefer soft kisses to one spot, a firm caress to another, and light pain somewhere else.) A discussion like this is also the perfect time to find out if there are any spots that your partner hates having touched, so that you know what’s off limits.

It may be that you or your partner aren’t sure where your own unique erogenous zones are. If this is the case, you can suggest that the two of you explore each other’s bodies together. Then you can take that “one size fits all” article, snip out the parts that are off limits, and mentally make note of some interesting ways to explore the places that both of you have agreed upon.

The awesome thing about this advice? It’s not just for new couples! I’m still finding new tricks that work on my partner of 3+ years. Spending time simply touching each other, with no further expectations, can be very pleasurable. Plus, sometimes an individual’s erogenous zones may change. For example, a common side effect of some hormonal contraceptives is breast tenderness. This change in a woman’s body may turn her nipples into centers discomfort instead of pleasure. The most important thing is that you both feel safe and comfortable enough to let the other know if a touch is amazing, upsetting, or anywhere in between.

And if one of you still ends up getting kicked, at least you’ll be able to laugh about it together instead of suffering in embarrassment alone.

1. Turnbull OH, et al., Reports of intimate touch: Erogenous zones and somatosensory cortical organization, Cortex (2013), http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.cortex.2013.07.010