advice

Getting Handsy: Male Genitalia

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Handjobs get a bad rap. For some reason, we’ve created a hierarchy of sexual activities: some are associated with juvenile sexual experimentation while others are viewed as more “advanced.” The handjob has ended up at the bottom of that sexual totem pole. (Despite the fact that some men do prefer handjobs to other sexual activity.) As we gain more sexual experience, we sometimes forget about the activities that aroused us at the beginning of our journey. For this reason, many people may consider it weird that a couple would “return” to handjobs after they have had intercourse.

“Couldn’t he just masturbate?”

While the mechanics may essentially be the same, you can give your partner a wholly different experience than he can give himself. Not only is there the perk that he’s not doing any of the work (which also means that he doesn’t know what sensation is coming next), but there’s also the intimacy factor. Don’t overlook this! A task that usually “gets the job done” can become a whole body experience if you’re also kissing and caressing other parts of his body.

“Isn’t he better at this than me?”

Of course he knows how to please his body the best; he’s had the most experience! But that doesn’t mean that you will never live up to his skills. It puts him in the perfect position to teach you what he likes better than anyone else. Ask him! If both of you are comfortable with it, watch him masturbate. This way, you’ll be able to learn the rhythm and technique that he prefers: where he puts his hand, what speed he enjoys, etc. If you’re concerned about the amount of pressure to apply (a common complaint with handjobs), ask him for a hand-over-hand lesson. With his hand overtop of yours, you’ll be able to feel firsthand what type of stimulation he enjoys.

“So, a handjob is more than just stroking up and down?”

I think this is a common misconception that women have and it helps to prevent them from giving more pleasurable handies. Become a pro at his personal technique (complete with any twists of the hand or changes in pressure), but also don’t be afraid to experiment. Try out different lubricants, and different amounts of those lubricants. Experiment with different positions. For example, do you want to be intimately cuddled up beside him or kneeling on the floor at his feet?  Find out if he enjoys his testicles being played with. Some men hate it, while some may cum at the slightest rub, tug, squeeze, or light smack. And most importantly, show your enthusiasm! Dirty talk can be a real plus here.

It’s not my intention to create a “handjob how-to.” There are plenty of those out there already. If you’re looking for more concrete techniques, I recommend www.handjobadvice.com. Although the site has plenty of problems (a couple of broken links, some uneducated statements, and the sense that it hasn’t been updated since the ’90s), it also has some really strong points. For one, there’s no nudity: All techniques are demonstrated on a dildo, making this good for people who are uncomfortable with pornographic material. There’s also enough short videos that it should really get your creative juices flowing.

Bring back the handjob!

There are many reasons to make handjobs a reoccurring item on your sexual menu.  You could be in-between birth control methods, or find yourself without STI protection, and want a relatively safe way to share intimacy. Perhaps you aren’t quite in the mood for sex, but you still want to please your partner. Maybe you want to slow things down and pretend that the two of you are teenagers again. Or maybe you just want a wide variety of sex acts to choose from in your relationship. Our enthusiastic attitudes can ensure that handjobs are seen as a legitimate form of sexual intimacy — not just an activity reserved for the backseat of your car after prom!

Enthusiastic Consent: Sexy & Necessary

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According to RAINN’s website, 1 in 6 American women have been the victim of an attempted or completed rape. There is a sexual assault every 2 minutes in the US alone. When Yale frat boys enthusiastically chant “No means yes, yes means anal,” it’s no surprise that a recent UK study found that nearly 1/3 of students are not learning about consent in sex ed. (Imagine what that says about students in the US, where any sex education beyond abstinence is practically nonexistent.)

Consent is…

Sexual consent is when all persons involved in any sexual activity have voluntarily agreed to that activity. A consenting person is free of mind-altering substances, as well as manipulation or force from others. They have a full understanding of the situation and are old enough to legally agree to it. Consent can have limitations. A person may consent to oral sex but not intercourse, spanking but not if it leaves bruises. Consent can also be revoked at any time. Even if someone previously agreed to intercourse, but changes their mind mid-act. Even if you have been with your partner for years and have had sex hundreds of times.

There are two types of consent: verbal & nonverbal. Verbal consent is very explicit, using one’s words in order to remove doubt or confusion about the situation. In the most basic sense, this is telling someone else “I want to have sex with you.” However, even though communicating verbally is much more efficient, many of us rely on nonverbal cues during sexual activity. If you want to have sex with your partner, you may moan and unbutton their pants in order to make your intentions clear. But this can be a tricky situation, especially for new couples.

Consent is not…

Consent is not based off of assumptions. While writing this, I was reminded of an email forward from when I was a teenager that described what different kisses mean. According to the wisdom of the internet, a kiss on the stomach meant “I’m ready.” I don’t know about you, but kissing a guy’s stomach came long before I was ready to have sex! My point is that different people interpret actions in different ways. If you gauge your partner’s desire for one action (sex) by their enthusiasm for another action (undoing their pants), you make the mistake of assuming. In this example, your partner may be expecting petting, oral sex, or even just some pants-less time together.

Consent is not the absence of “no” or “stop.” An argument during the Steubenville rape case was that the victim never said no — even though she was intoxicated to the point that even her attackers described her as “like a dead body.” Anyone in their right mind can see that this is absurd. But people also refrain from saying “no” for plenty of reasons beyond being physically incapacitated. Peer pressure and a fear of rejection are just a couple of big influences, especially for young individuals. “Maybe” or “I guess so” also don’t count. If the person you are with seems to have some reservations about sexual activity, stop and have a more in-depth discussion about it. 

Despite what some believe, consent does not ruin the mood. It shows your partner that you are concerned for their comfort & pleasure. And what’s better than knowing that the person you are with truly wants to be with you?

My Challenge to You

The sad truth is, even if we know all of this and we aim for explicit consent, we get lazy sometimes — especially in long-term relationships. Therefore, my challenge is that you make an honest effort to give & get consent. I’m not saying that you have to explicitly ask for consent every time you kiss or touch your partner. You can discuss consent beforehand. The next time things are getting a little steamy, you can whisper in their ear what you’d like to do, or ask if they’d like for you to get a condom. If you’re shy, showing your consent nonverbally is still better than nothing — but take it beyond just “not saying no.” Remember: consent is an enthusiastic yes!

Sharing Your Sexual Fantasies

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I keep running into the same question from people looking to actualize their sexual fantasies: How do I convince my partner? The problem is they’re asking the wrong question. “Convincing” someone to engage in a sexual activity that they are opposed to will not be pleasurable for anyone involved. However, you can express your desires, without expectation or intimidation, in hopes of greater intimacy.

Before Sharing Your Fantasies

Know yourself. Have a detailed understanding of your specific desires. The same general fantasy (Ex: spanking) can mean different things to different people, and you need to be prepared to explain what it is that you want. (Spanker vs. spankee, red bottom vs. bruising, paddle vs. cane?) Consider why something turns you on, or what exactly seems appealing about it. Are you drawn to the physical sensation, an emotional reaction, or a combination? Also, know the importance of your desires. Are you sharing in order to learn something about each other, or to turn fantasy into reality? Is this something that you can live without or is it necessary for your happiness? 

Know your partner. Unless this is your method for weeding out potential love interests, take a moment to consider your partner. Are they open or conservative about sexuality? You may want to test the waters by mentioning your fantasy in a way that is unrelated to your relationship. For example, when a celebrity’s foot fetish gets media coverage, ask your partner’s opinion. Consider if your fantasy might take too much of a physical or emotional toll. Do they have a physical condition that would make an action or position uncomfortable? What about a negative experience from their past that might resurface? If you know your partner well, you might be able to anticipate their questions & concerns.

Know your relationship. Each relationship is different, and everyone deals with these discussions in different ways. Remember, this can be a very dangerous activity for a couple. Does your relationship feel ready? If you’re not sure, are you comfortable taking the risk?

Starting the Discussion

Don’t think of this as a “once and done” conversation. Depending on you & your partner’s comfort level, confessing your fantasies may be a multi-step process. Also, fantasies change: sometimes they continue to expand into new territory and sometimes reality just isn’t as great as you imagined. The important thing is to open up the line of communication.

If both of you are comfortable discussing sex, you may be able to share your fantasies (and ask about your partner’s) with little pretense. However, phrasing is important. If you’re having trouble, rely on I-statements and avoid abrupt confessions that may make your partner uneasy. (“I think your feet are really sexy, and giving you a foot massage would really turn me on.” vs. “I have a foot fetish. Let me suck your toes.”) Also be mindful of possibly coercive or unfavorable settings. For example, confessing your fantasies in the middle of a sexual activity may seem like a request, placing undue pressure on your partner. It also doesn’t allow time for them to ask questions. Instead, consider neutral situations, like while folding laundry together. Or intimate, but not necessarily sexual activities, like cuddling. 

If at least one of you is shy about these sorts of topics or you’re worried about your partner’s reaction, jumping right in may not be particularly helpful — or even possible. You may find that a sexual checklist or a Want/Will/Won’t chart makes the discussion easier. Sexual checklists are commonly used within the BDSM community, but you can find more general ones as well. If you’re interested in creating a Want/Will/Won’t chart, Dr. Lindsey Doe created a very informative video on the topic here. Both of these can provide you with a lot of conversation starters, and serve as great tools for learning about each other’s sexuality.

Responding to Negative Reactions

If you can tell that the conversation is not going in a positive direction, do not force it. Keep in mind that while you have probably had years to think about your fantasy, it may be a novel idea for your partner. They may need time to get comfortable with the information. They also may never be comfortable with it. How you handle this depends on why you wanted to share your fantasies in the first place. If you were primarily looking for greater emotional intimacy, let your partner know that. Stress that you shared this part of yourself out of trust and/or love. If they have questions later, that’s great, but reassure them that you do not expect them to make your fantasies a reality. On the other hand, if this is something that you find necessary to experience, then you may have to ask yourself if this relationship is right for you.

Erogenous Zones: Different Strokes for Different Folks?

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Perhaps this sounds familiar…

You’re with a new partner & things are getting steamy. But your moaning is halted by wet, squishy noises (of the non-sexy variety) as you wonder why his/her tongue is inside your ear. Or maybe you once lightly touched the back of a partner’s knee expecting a sexy shiver. Instead you got accidentally kicked because they found it insufferably ticklish.

Somewhere, at some point in time, most people have heard about erogenous zones: those wonderful little areas on your body that just seem to burst with erotic potential when touched.

Countless magazine and web articles generalize our unique sexual experiences and boast certain spots as the “best” or “most surprising.” And though a “one size fits all” approach is rarely, if ever, a good idea,  some scientific backing to their method does exist. A recent study by Turnbull, Lovett, Chaldecott, and Lucas has reported surprising similarities across differences in age, race, and even sex.1 (A man’s penis is not his only erogenous zone, folks!)

Let’s start with what we know.

Erogenous zones come in two types: specific & nonspecific. Specific erogenous zones are those that are located on hairless skin that has lots of nerve endings close to the surface. These areas are perhaps what we think of as the most universal & obviously sexual, including the lips, penis, and clitoris. On the other hand, nonspecific erogenous zones have a normal concentration of nerves and can occur anywhere. Nonspecific erogenous zones probably vary a bit more between individuals. However, Turnbull et al. found that a majority of people receive greater stimulation from some areas (neck, thighs, ears) than others (hands, wrists, feet). And there are certain spots (elbow, nose, kneecap) that generally aren’t considered very sexual at all.

We still must keep in mind that just as not everyone agrees on the most delicious food, we can’t expect everyone to agree on the most sexually stimulating spot either. Although you can generalize and say “well, most people like chocolate” you might also know at least one person who much prefers broccoli.

So where does that leave you when you’re trying to navigate a partner’s body? Is there any one tip that can be applied to everyone?

Communication. 

Some people fear that by asking questions, they will seem sexually inexperienced or it will “ruin the mood,” but what it really does is show concern for someone else’s pleasure. I’ll dedicate another post to the various ways of approaching these sorts of delicate conversations, but for now, don’t be afraid to ask your partner which areas of their body they enjoy having touched and how they like to be touched there. (The “how” can make a huge difference. The same person might prefer soft kisses to one spot, a firm caress to another, and light pain somewhere else.) A discussion like this is also the perfect time to find out if there are any spots that your partner hates having touched, so that you know what’s off limits.

It may be that you or your partner aren’t sure where your own unique erogenous zones are. If this is the case, you can suggest that the two of you explore each other’s bodies together. Then you can take that “one size fits all” article, snip out the parts that are off limits, and mentally make note of some interesting ways to explore the places that both of you have agreed upon.

The awesome thing about this advice? It’s not just for new couples! I’m still finding new tricks that work on my partner of 3+ years. Spending time simply touching each other, with no further expectations, can be very pleasurable. Plus, sometimes an individual’s erogenous zones may change. For example, a common side effect of some hormonal contraceptives is breast tenderness. This change in a woman’s body may turn her nipples into centers discomfort instead of pleasure. The most important thing is that you both feel safe and comfortable enough to let the other know if a touch is amazing, upsetting, or anywhere in between.

And if one of you still ends up getting kicked, at least you’ll be able to laugh about it together instead of suffering in embarrassment alone.

1. Turnbull OH, et al., Reports of intimate touch: Erogenous zones and somatosensory cortical organization, Cortex (2013), http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.cortex.2013.07.010