BDSM

The Magic (Safe)word

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I know that, according to the ever-popular Christian Grey, “Lovers don’t need safewords,” but I’m here to say that’s bullshit. Because, if understood and used responsibly, safewords can benefit any sexual relationship. Problems arise when communication about a couple’s safeword is lacking — or when the idea of a safeword is shrouded in societal misconceptions.

What is a “safeword?”

A safeword is a word that is designated and agreed upon prior to sexual activity. This word is to be used in the case of overwhelming amounts of physical, mental, or emotional discomfort/pain. If a person says the safeword, their partner(s) will immediately stop what they are doing — either completely or at least long enough to fix the problem. To make this distinction more clear, sometimes there will be two designated words: one to signal a pause or alleviation of current activity and the other to signal a complete stop to all activity.

There are a few ways that people may choose their safewords. Most importantly, the safeword should not be something that would normally be said during sex. Some choose words that hint at discomfort like “mercy.” Others choose a random word like “salad.” And still others stick with the standard traffic light code:  “yellow”  for caution/slow down and “red” for stop. (Some people also use “green” as a way to communicate that everything is fine and that the activity should continue.) But a safeword doesn’t have to be a spoken word. For example, in the BDSM community, it’s common to have a nonverbal signal in case a gag is being used. This opens up a lot of possibilities, like snapping of the fingers or tapping on a nearby surface. Whatever the method of communication, it should be quick and unmistakable. 

“No!” and “Stop!”: Universal safewords? 

A lot of people don’t get the point of safewords. They argue that words like “no” and “stop” should be enough to make any partner stop in their tracks. For the most part, I agree with this. But I also recognize that there may be some situations where these words are part of a larger role-play scenario. A lot of people (while not turned on by the actual act of rape) may want to experiment with consensual “forced” sex. As part of the performance, one partner may pretend to fight back or say “stop.” Another consideration is that, in the case of intense physical sensation (ex: spanking or even tickling), it may be a reflex for some people to say “stop!” long before they actually hit their limit. In both of these cases, a separate word could be used to signal the actual desire to stop the scene.

There’s also some unfortunate societal reasons for individuals to avoid using these words. Even during sex, people will keep quiet because they fear hurting someone else’s feelings. They don’t want their partner(s) to feel like they aren’t skilled at giving sexual pleasure. And, as horrible as it is, a lot of people simply accept that sex “is supposed to be” painful, uncomfortable, or at the very least unpleasurable. Words like “stop” may even feel too final for some, insinuating panic when all they really want to do is pause while they find a more comfortable position. Bringing in a unique safeword can actually seem less intimidating, and lead to greater communication.

Safewords for everyone! 

I encourage everyone to forget the idea that safewords are only for dangerous BDSM play. They are a great way for all sexual couples to keep an open line of communication. They promote consensual sexual activity by giving everyone a voice. Even if you choose to rely on “no” or “stop,” you and your partner(s) should still have the safeword conversation. (Do you feel comfortable speaking up during sex? What are things that would cause you to say stop? How do you plan to communicate ‘stop’ vs. ‘wait?’ etc.) This will provide you with a clear, verbal plan for communication during sex, in addition to body language. Then, if something doesn’t feel good or if one of you simply wants to stop — for whatever reason, both of you will be on the same page immediately.

6 BDSM Principles That Vanilla Couples Should Follow

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The luxury sex toy company, Lelo, recently published an infographic about the decline in “kinky” sex toy sales. It seems that the Fifty Shades of Grey fad may finally be coming to a close within the vanilla mainstream. However, even if these individuals didn’t find what they were looking for in whips and handcuffs, there’s still plenty of good sex advice to be taken from the kink community (the real, healthy sort — not E.L. James’ abusive misrepresentation). When BDSM gets mentioned, its basic tenets often get overlooked, crowded out of one’s mind by more risqué imagery. But those basics are exactly what every couple could benefit from.

1. Communication

While it may be a relationship flaw that you associate more with your grandparents, the sad fact is that many couples still engage in a lifetime of sex without ever having a discussion about it. They don’t tell their partner what feels good — or what would feel even better. They don’t communicate their fantasies or desires. In stark contrast are BDSM checklists (like this one), which bring all sorts of sexual acts out into the open. Discussions about one’s sexual history, desires, and limits are encouraged so that the people involved know how best to please one another. Most importantly, sex is seen as a fun and pleasurable experience to be shared, not something to be ashamed of.

2. Consent

Establishing this open line of communication takes the guessing game out of sexual activity. Each person knows what the other is comfortable with before they ever enter the bedroom (or dungeon). They know what limits can safely be pushed and what should be avoided entirely. Healthy BDSM relationships also recognize the importance of consent given freely and uninfluenced by mind-altering substances or circumstances.

3. Safewords

Even with the issue of consent discussed beforehand, sometimes sexual activity doesn’t go as planned. In BDSM play, there are usually 2 levels of safewords: a yellow word that means ‘slow down’ or ‘I need a break’ and a red word that means ‘stop everything now.’ Knowing that these words are available during sex keeps communication flowing. Of course there are always ‘no’ and ‘stop,’ but many people do not use those words except in extreme cases. Maybe they fear offending their partner, or maybe they are too embarassed to stop the action and say, “This really isn’t working for me right now. Could we try ___ instead?”

4. Safety

BDSM is big on safety, and for good reason. When you are exploring the fine line between pleasure and pain, you need to be sure not to do any lasting damage. But there are other ways of being safe that apply to vanilla couples as well. All couples need to be able to discuss their STI status and their preferred methods of protection from both STIs and pregnancy. Every individual should feel entitled to use protection. If a sexual partner will not agree to it, s/he obviously does not respect you or your body. That is a perfectly good reason to refuse sexual activity.

5. Foreplay

One way for vanilla folks to think of BDSM is that it involves a lot of foreplay. In fact, for professional Dominants, that’s basically all it is. A lot of time (sometimes several hours) is spent focusing on a partner’s body in ways that are not always explicitly sexual. Foreplay is good. It can increase intimacy, as well as make eventual intercourse more pleasurable. (If a female is aroused, her vagina will expand to create more insertable space.) Kink also seems to encourage people to get more creative with their foreplay methods, which can be good advice for everyone. For example, you can try using a feather duster in a more erotic way.

6. Aftercare

Aftercare is a time for reassurance, comfort, and debriefing at the end of a BDSM scene. All of the “he fell right asleep” jokes make it obvious that the vanilla world is aware of the importance of post-coital intimacy. However, debriefing is almost unheard of. Most people are probably afraid of hurting their partner’s feelings. But a simple, respectful discussion of “What did you enjoy the most? What were you not so keen on?” can be a really easy way to improve future sexual activity. Your partner cannot read your mind.

The important part of sex is not always what you’re doing in the bedroom — but how you’re doing it. Although we often separate the worlds of vanilla and kink, these principles can be universally applied to all healthy sexual relationships.

Popular BDSM Erotica: Damaged & Diluted

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What images come to mind when you think of BDSM practitioners? Do you picture a loving, committed couple in the privacy of their own bedroom or a strict, leather clad Dominatrix in a public dungeon? Are they plagued by mental illness or are they leading happy, healthy lives volunteering at your local soup kitchen? Or do you envision a group so diverse that it can include any combination of these and more? 

Some time ago, I read an article in Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures called “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in the U.S. Popular Media” by Margot D. Weiss.1 While the entire book was one that I would highly recommend, this entry in particular really stuck with me. Why? Because Weiss much more eloquently states what I have been thinking for years: more media representation does NOT necessarily lead to a more widespread acceptance or understanding of BDSM. Quality over quantity, people.

Weiss makes her case by pointing out two ways that BDSM is often portrayed: (1) by “normalizing” and (2) by “pathologizing” the behavior. While her article deals specifically with the film Secretary, I couldn’t help but also apply what Weiss was saying to the recent trend of BDSM erotica. Here, the act of “normalizing” makes a moderate amount of sense from a business standpoint. The target market for erotica largely overlaps with romance paperbacks. The classic BDSM storyline where a girl enters into a 24/7 power exchange (with intense training & canes that cause bruising welts) scares a lot of those readers. Therefore, in order to sell more books, authors substitute a diluted version of BDSM that feels risky to the vanilla crowd, but ends at blindfolds and handcuffs. (Some, like E.L. James, even have their “Dominant” abandon BDSM once they fall in love, replacing it with a desire for marriage and children.)

Although this limited view is somewhat annoying, it’s Weiss’ research on “pathologizing” that worries me the most, because it senslessly threatens the BDSM community. The most popular example is, of course, E.L. James’ Fifty Shades Trilogy. Christian’s backstory includes being physically abused as a child as well as sexually manipulated as a teenager by a much older woman. He goes into therapy, admits that he basically beats women that remind him of his mother, and believes that his penchant for BDSM is a disease that Ana cures him of. Ana backs this belief up by constantly wondering how bad his past was to make him like the things that he does. Wow. While the BDSM community and many psychologists are working to revise the DSM’s criteria for sadomasochism, this nonsense is making the bestseller’s list.

We can’t even try to pretend that Fifty Shades is an isolated incident. What Happens After Dark by Jasmine Haynes is about a girl who was abused by her father. She uses BDSM to cope, engaging in potentially dangerous behavior with strangers. In Bared to You by Sylvia Day, both Gideon and Eva are victims of past abuse. Eva was sexually violated by a member of her family, Gideon by a childhood doctor. Their past abuse makes their passion more “raw and intense.” 

These representations “enforce the boundaries between normal and not normal,” says Weiss. It leads to wrongful assumptions and discrimination. Court cases against those involved in BDSM are not a thing of the past. Individuals are still at risk for losing friends, lovers, family members, and careers because of a sexual behavior that others have deemed as “sick.” And in a time when erotica could easily be used to further the cause of sexual freedom with respectful, knowledgeable, and sex positive depictions, many authors are perpetuating an outdated view of the damaged individual who practices BDSM that is mildly kinky at best — and abusive at worst.

1. Margot D. Weiss. 2006. “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in U.S. Popular Media.” Journal of Homosexuality 50(2/3): 103-130.

You can also find an electronic copy of the article here.