I keep running into the same question from people looking to actualize their sexual fantasies: How do I convince my partner? The problem is they’re asking the wrong question. “Convincing” someone to engage in a sexual activity that they are opposed to will not be pleasurable for anyone involved. However, you can express your desires, without expectation or intimidation, in hopes of greater intimacy.

Before Sharing Your Fantasies

Know yourself. Have a detailed understanding of your specific desires. The same general fantasy (Ex: spanking) can mean different things to different people, and you need to be prepared to explain what it is that you want. (Spanker vs. spankee, red bottom vs. bruising, paddle vs. cane?) Consider why something turns you on, or what exactly seems appealing about it. Are you drawn to the physical sensation, an emotional reaction, or a combination? Also, know the importance of your desires. Are you sharing in order to learn something about each other, or to turn fantasy into reality? Is this something that you can live without or is it necessary for your happiness? 

Know your partner. Unless this is your method for weeding out potential love interests, take a moment to consider your partner. Are they open or conservative about sexuality? You may want to test the waters by mentioning your fantasy in a way that is unrelated to your relationship. For example, when a celebrity’s foot fetish gets media coverage, ask your partner’s opinion. Consider if your fantasy might take too much of a physical or emotional toll. Do they have a physical condition that would make an action or position uncomfortable? What about a negative experience from their past that might resurface? If you know your partner well, you might be able to anticipate their questions & concerns.

Know your relationship. Each relationship is different, and everyone deals with these discussions in different ways. Remember, this can be a very dangerous activity for a couple. Does your relationship feel ready? If you’re not sure, are you comfortable taking the risk?

Starting the Discussion

Don’t think of this as a “once and done” conversation. Depending on you & your partner’s comfort level, confessing your fantasies may be a multi-step process. Also, fantasies change: sometimes they continue to expand into new territory and sometimes reality just isn’t as great as you imagined. The important thing is to open up the line of communication.

If both of you are comfortable discussing sex, you may be able to share your fantasies (and ask about your partner’s) with little pretense. However, phrasing is important. If you’re having trouble, rely on I-statements and avoid abrupt confessions that may make your partner uneasy. (“I think your feet are really sexy, and giving you a foot massage would really turn me on.” vs. “I have a foot fetish. Let me suck your toes.”) Also be mindful of possibly coercive or unfavorable settings. For example, confessing your fantasies in the middle of a sexual activity may seem like a request, placing undue pressure on your partner. It also doesn’t allow time for them to ask questions. Instead, consider neutral situations, like while folding laundry together. Or intimate, but not necessarily sexual activities, like cuddling. 

If at least one of you is shy about these sorts of topics or you’re worried about your partner’s reaction, jumping right in may not be particularly helpful — or even possible. You may find that a sexual checklist or a Want/Will/Won’t chart makes the discussion easier. Sexual checklists are commonly used within the BDSM community, but you can find more general ones as well. If you’re interested in creating a Want/Will/Won’t chart, Dr. Lindsey Doe created a very informative video on the topic here. Both of these can provide you with a lot of conversation starters, and serve as great tools for learning about each other’s sexuality.

Responding to Negative Reactions

If you can tell that the conversation is not going in a positive direction, do not force it. Keep in mind that while you have probably had years to think about your fantasy, it may be a novel idea for your partner. They may need time to get comfortable with the information. They also may never be comfortable with it. How you handle this depends on why you wanted to share your fantasies in the first place. If you were primarily looking for greater emotional intimacy, let your partner know that. Stress that you shared this part of yourself out of trust and/or love. If they have questions later, that’s great, but reassure them that you do not expect them to make your fantasies a reality. On the other hand, if this is something that you find necessary to experience, then you may have to ask yourself if this relationship is right for you.