Essays

Sex Soundtrack: BDSM

Posted by

0

Work has been very stressful for the past couple of weeks, and while I finally feel like I’m making some progress on that front, I’m still trying to spend most of my free-time on relaxing activities. I’ve started working on a more substantial post for next week, but in the meantime, I figured I would try something a little different and share some of my favorite songs about BDSM.

“In Your Room” by Depeche Mode

“In your room
Where souls disappear
Only you exist here
Will you lead me to your armchair
Or leave me lying here
Your favourite innocence
Your favourite prize
Your favourite smile
Your favorite slave”

A list like this just wouldn’t be complete without Depeche Mode. Although “Master & Servant” usually gets top spot on every BDSM music list, several of their other songs have an overlying theme of sexual power dynamics as well. And while I love “Master & Servant” for everyday listening, I enjoy the slow and sensual feel of “In Your Room” much more for actual intimacy.

“Discipline” by Nine Inch Nails

“I see you left a mark
Up and down my skin
I don’t know where I end
And where you begin

I need your discipline”

Trent Reznor certainly knows how to create powerful sex music. And while “Closer” usually gets all the attention, elements of Dominance & submission can be found in quite a few other songs as well — whether in a sexual context or not. “Discipline” is a recent favorite of mine, because if interpreted as being about D/s, the focus falls on the emotional side of a relationship rather than the purely physical/sexual.

“I’m Your Man” by Leonard Cohen

“If you want a lover 
I’ll do anything you ask me to 
And if you want another kind of love 
I’ll wear a mask for you”

Okay, I know that this song doesn’t have the kinkiest lyrics. But thanks to the movie Secretary, it will always make me think of James Spader as Mr. E. Edward Grey and send shivers down my spine. Plus, Cohen’s voice is so gravelly and deep that you can practically feel it reverberating through your body, which is an awful nice touch.

“Pain Makes You Beautiful” by Judybats

“No sorrow tied
Tied to my hurting you
To the compromising position to all the painful things I do

Pain makes you beautiful
I give you what you want, the pain and the pleasure”

I accidentally stumbled upon this song recently… and I became a little bit obsessed with it. It’s such a peppy, upbeat tune that really seems to embody the playful nature of BDSM and the connection between partners. This song doesn’t make it seem like it’s dark or taboo — just another way for people to enjoy themselves sexually. (Although there is a line about “not being good for you” that I wrinkle my nose at and choose to ignore.)

“The Power is Mine” by Lords of Acid

“Dance the dance of lovers
I don’t need no other
To ride the waves of pleasure and pain
Come on boy obey me
Lick my boots to please me
Maybe I will loosen your chains”

With the exception of the classic “Venus in Furs” by Velvet Underground, I don’t know of many songs about female dominance. I love the dual points of perspective in this song — switching between the submissive male’s spoken word and the more sensual & hypnotic dominant female. And although Lords of Acid are somewhat known for their raunchy sexual lyrics, this song is surprisingly clean for the subject matter.

“Little Whip” by Danzig

“You crawl across the floor
On your hands and knees
To seek revelation
Little whip
I pull you up
I grab your hair
I give you hope
Little whip”

Danzig is no stranger to incorporating BDSM into his lyrics and music videos. In fact, the video for “Wicked Pussycat” was what first caught my attention about him. And while his wailing certainly isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, this song is incredibly sexy if you enjoy it (or can at least look past it). The way that it starts out so seductively slow is simply perfect.

Others:

“Games” by Ayria

“Monologue” by She Wants Revenge (A lot of their other songs have the same dark, sexual feel to them.)

“Breath Control” by Recoil (Obligatory Warning: Breath play can be very dangerous.)

“S&M” by Rihanna

“Fun with Ropes” by The Go Go’s 

“I Wanna Be Your Dog” by Iggy Pop & The Stooges

“Hurricane” by 30 Seconds to Mars (For the video more so than the lyrics.)

Tell me: What are your favorite BDSM songs? I love discovering more to add to my playlist!

Sex vs. Gender (Part Two)

Posted by

0

To read Part One about biological sex, click here. 

Gender

Gender is a social construct, created largely by stereotypes of what is “feminine” and what is “masculine.” In our society, being feminine is usually synonymous with being sensitive, caring, and demure. Traditional feminine appearance includes dresses, high heels, and make-up. Masculinity, on the other hand, is measured in strength, ambition, and confidence. Masculine physical appearance includes a muscular build, facial hair, and tuxedos. Of course, this is a very simplified description of the gender ideals that exist, but most of us become well aware of them from a very early age. We quickly absorb messages about what toys are acceptable (trucks for boys/dolls for girls) and how we’re supposed to act (being ladylike/manning up).

Contrary to what many people believe, a person’s gender does not depend on their physical sex. Rather, gender is how a person identifies and expresses themselves. It is only because we live in a society that has a strong gender binary that we automatically assume a person born with a penis will identify with mostly masculine traits, while a person born with a vagina will associate with mostly feminine traits. When this is the case, and sex and gender do match, a person can be described as being a cisgender male or a cisgender female. (In Latin, “cis” means “on this side of.”)

When a person identifies as the “opposite sex” that person can be described as a transgender, or trans, individual. (In Latin, “trans” means “on the other side of.”) We often hear the phrase “born in the wrong body,” as that is how strongly many individuals in the trans community feel about their gender identity. For example, a person with a penis could identify as female and be a trans woman, while a person with a vagina could identify as male and be a trans man. (It’s important to remember that “transitioning,” or deciding to live as the gender that one identifies with, is not a “one size fits all” process. Some change their name and wardrobe, others may take hormones and have surgery. This is an individual’s personal choice and despite what some TV talk show hosts would lead you to believe, what’s under someone’s clothes is no one’s business.)

For a lot of people, both cis and transgender identities are fairly easy to understand: You either feel like a man or you feel like a woman. But what if you feel like neither — or maybe both? Earlier this year, Facebook began to allow a much wider range of gender options (at least 58, to be precise). Many of them were terms that people were unfamiliar with, as they challenge the idea that an individual has to be male OR female.

Here is a small sample, highlighting some of the most basic terms used to describe non-binary options. (Remember that because gender is a societal construct, these distinctions are labels that we have created to describe how someone subjectively defines their experience with gender.)  

Agender is used when someone has a complete lack of gender. Other terms may be “genderless” or “gender neutral.”

On the other hand, bigender individuals consider themselves both male and female. Their gender identity and/or expression may be fixed so that they experience both genders at the same time, or they may be gender fluid, where their gender changes or fluctuates over time. (Similarly, but more inclusive, pangender individuals identify as all genders, including the non-binary ones.)

Gender Nonconforming is a term that is used to describe someone who may primarily identify as one gender (man or woman) but does not abide by the stereotypical expressions for that gender. I would argue that many of us are gender nonconforming in some way as very few people follow societal stereotypes 100%. However, for a more clear-cut example,  consider a self-identified woman with short hair and men’s clothing or a self-identified man wearing make-up. Because of society’s gender standards, these people would be seen as not conforming to their gender in fairly obvious ways.

When a person is unsure of their gender, they may decide to identify as gender questioning. During this time, a person may experiment with different ways to express their gender by altering their appearance and/or behavior — or they may simply be inwardly considering which gender feels most true to their personality.

Finally, genderqueer is an umbrella term that is used to describe anyone who challenges the man/woman gender binary. This term is growing in popularity, especially by the younger generation who wishes to reclaim the word “queer” and give it a positive connotation.

Sex & gender are commonly considered to be some of the most straightforward characteristics about a person. However, as you can see, society’s insistence that everyone is strictly “male” or “female” ignores the more nuanced way that many people define themselves. As potential doctors, teachers, co-workers, family members, friends, or romantic partners of individuals who do not fit into the gender binary, it’s important to recognize that sex & gender are not always as simple as we’ve been led to believe.

Education can be a powerful first step in creating change because it challenges false beliefs in a rather objective, logical, and emotionally-removed way. But what more can be done in our daily lives?

Stand up against discrimination or hate when you see it. Refuse to accept behavior that makes a “freak” out of someone, whether that behavior is quietly staring or publicly asking about someone’s genitals. Remain aware that a person’s preferred name may not match their legal name and their preferred pronoun may not match the pronoun you might automatically assign to them. Remember that it’s always okay to ask what a person prefers, and when that’s not possible, aim for gender neutral language. (Changing your language can sometimes be difficult, but I’ve learned that most people are very understanding as long as honest effort is being made.)

In the end, it all boils down to one little word: Respect.

Sex vs. Gender (Part One)

Posted by

0

For many people, the words “sex” and “gender” are interchangeable. Scientifically, they are very different and much more complex than many people are aware of. Despite what public restrooms would lead us to believe, we simply cannot categorize people into two neat little boxes. A person’s gender and sex may or may not match. And, as we learned with sexual orientation, binaries (though socially ingrained) are much too restrictive for what occurs in reality.

Being aware of the possible variety in sex and gender not only allows us to better understand and express ourselves, but it also helps us to understand and empathize with others. The stories of transgender individuals like Brandon Teena, Tyra Hunter, and Larry King prove to us that confusion, fear, and hatred all too often lead to death. Education on the matter is crucial for our society to live in harmony.

Sex

Sex is all about physical and biological characteristics: chromosomes, hormones, genital anatomy, etc. Before a child is even born, the focus is on one question: “Is it a boy or a girl?” Although people may assume that this answer will give them clues as to the gender of the developing child, it’s really a question of sex. We assign individuals with XX sex chromosomes, ovaries, and vulvovaginal genitalia to the female group. Those with XY chromosomes, testes, and a penis comprise the male group. But what happens when determining a person’s sex is not so black and white?

Individuals whose sexual characteristics do not match what our society (and medical professionals) consider “typical” can be described as intersex. According to the Intersex Society of North America (ISNA), approximately 1 in 100 babies are born with bodies that “differ from standard male or female.”1 These differences can be visible at birth, make themselves known at puberty, or go unnoticed for a lifetime. They can be externally visible or internally hidden.

Not everyone agrees on what conditions qualify as “intersex,” but here’s a basic rundown of what sometimes gets included:

Klinefelter Syndrome occurs when a child who exhibits anatomically male traits is born with an extra X chromosome (XXY). This usually becomes noticeable at puberty, as individuals with Klinefelter Syndrome produce less testosterone. Physical traits may include less body or facial hair, less muscle mass, smaller testicles, and increased breast tissue. Infertility or reduced fertility is also likely.

Turner Syndrome occurs when a child who exhibits anatomically female traits is born with only one X chromosome. In addition to a short stature and other physical differences, Turner Syndrome can cause underdeveloped ovaries, resulting in the absence of menstruation and infertility.

Swyer Syndrome occurs when an individual with XY chromosomes has undeveloped gonads, or testes. Unable to produce testosterone and other hormones important for male development, the child is born anatomically female. However, during puberty, the lack of estrogen becomes noticeable in the absence of breast growth and menstruation.

Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser Syndrome (MRKH) occurs when the Müllerian duct fails to develop in an XX chromosome fetus. This can lead to the absence of a uterus, cervix, and/or vagina. If a vagina is present, it may be shorter than average and cause painful intercourse. This condition may be noticed during puberty if menstruation doesn’t begin.

Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (AIS) is when a person’s body is unresponsive to androgens (hormones that are typically considered “male,” such as testosterone). This can occur at mild, partial, or complete levels. In individuals born with XX chromosomes, there is little noticeable difference. However, individuals born with XY chromosomes range in their genital appearance. In complete AIS, an individual externally resembles a female. However, they do not possess a uterus, fallopian tubes, or ovaries. (Their gonads are indeed testes, although they are likely undescended.) Again, this becomes noticeable at puberty with a lack of menstruation.

Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH) causes the body to create masculinizing hormones when attempting to create cortisol. In individuals with XX chromosomes, this may lead to an enlarged clitoris (clitoromegaly) and shallow vagina, or in extreme cases, an average-sized penis. Increased facial & body hair, a deeper voice, and trouble with menstruation and fertility are also possible.

There are also external sexual differences for which we do not understand the cause or for which there may be several possible causes. For example, XY individuals can be born with aphallia (the absence of a penis) or what is controversially referred to as a “micropenis” (a penis that is at least 2.5 standard deviations below average). Both XY and XX individuals can also have gonadal tissue which contains properties of both testes and ovaries, for which the external appearance varies widely.

Historically, doctors would rush to perform genital surgery on newborns whose genitalia did not match their male or female ideal. An assigned sex would often be decided without regard to a person’s actual, biological makeup — and the procedure itself would be shrouded in secrecy. For example, a XY newborn with an atypically small penis may undergo complete castration of both the penis and testes. Doctors would advise parents to raise the child as a girl, and not to inform the child of their birth as a boy. (And you thought your teenaged years were confusing.) Today, groups like the ISNA advocate delaying medically unnecessary surgical procedures, so that the individual has the power of choice.

To read Part Two about gender, click here. 

1. http://www.isna.org/faq/frequency

The Future of Sex is Near (even when you are not)

Posted by

1

What comes to mind when you hear the words “teledildonics” or “computer-controlled sex toys?”

As I (regretfully) browsed the comment sections of various videos and online articles this week, I couldn’t help but notice a stigma associated with desperate and lonely computer geeks. It surprises me that in a culture where almost everyone owns a smartphone, is constantly connected to social media platforms, and increasingly communicates via electronic devices, many people still have negative reactions to the merging of technology & sex.

As someone who was in a long-distance relationship for a few years, I can most certainly understand the intimate allure of these toys. And as someone who sees cybersex as a physically and emotionally safe way to express & experience one’s sexuality, I appreciate the technological advancements. I am very excited about these new possibilities, and I hope that after learning about a few of the most impressive products, you will be too!

OhMiBod

OhMiBod has been in the business of technology-focused sex toys since they first launched their music vibrators, which vibrate to the music of a connected mp3 player. They went on to add this unique sound-interaction capability to wireless, wearable, remote-controlled vibrators ideal for club or concert environments. Now, moving into the era of smart phones, they have released blueMotion — wearable vibrators that are controlled with the use of a specially made Bluetooth application. The blueMotion vibrator is primarily made for vulva-owners, and only offers one-way technological communication. However, this can still add a large degree of intimacy for long-distance lovers… or simply a bit of secretive, risqué fun for those who crave a little exhibitionism in their sex life.

Vibease

Vibease is another wearable, Bluetooth app-controlled vibrator made for sending one-way pleasure. With Vibease’s Intimate app, your partner will be in control of the vibrations that you receive from anywhere in the world — near or far. However, Vibease is created with solo masturbation in mind as well. With their Fantasy application, you can use your smartphone to select and listen to erotica while the vibrations increase according to the story. (If you’re a writer, you may be interested to know that you can even create your own fantasies for others to use.) Vibease has not been released yet, but they are taking pre-orders that are scheduled to be shipped by September 2014.

Kiiroo

If you’re wondering where the technologically advanced & connective masturbation sleeves are, Kiiroo is your answer. Although they plan to eventually make this a two-way experience, currently the OPue vibrator is only capable of sending information. The SVir masturbation sleeve, however, can send and receive, as it can be paired with a second SVir. (Two OPues are not currently compatible.) The Kiiroo products work by using special touch rings that convey speed and penetrative depth, translating and sending the information to the contracting rings inside the corresponding SVir/s. (One OPue can be connected to multiple SVir units, which is quite beneficial for online sex work.) The connectivity options with the Kiiroo are pretty impressive. Not only are they creating their own social network, the toys will also be usable with Skype, FaceTime, and simple Bluetooth capability. Pre-orders are currently being accepted for eventual 2014 delivery.

Lovense

Lovense, a company that first introduced a Skype compatible vibrator in 2009, is currently on their 3rd generation of toys — Max & Nora, a completely bidirectional pair. (Not only can Max & Nora connect with each other, but two Max units and two Nora units are also compatible.) The Max masturbation sleeve uses vibrations and air pump technology to create stimulating pressure while the Nora vibrator is of the popular “rabbit” style, using both vibration and rotation. Although the toys interpret your thrusting motions, they do not recreate those motions for your partner. Rather, as one partner’s intensity or speed increases, Lovense increases the unique stimulating activity of the other toy (vibrating, rotating, squeezing). One partner can also use the Lovense Bluetooth application to control the other’s toy without connecting their own. They’ve even released a new “Record & Playback” feature, allowing you to save both the stimulation patterns and voice of your partner for your future masturbation needs.

Fundawear

Honestly, although Fundawear is much more tame than many other emerging products, it’s one that I am most excited about. The brain child of Durex Australia, Fundawear is a line of lingerie/undergarments that transmit the sensation of touch via a smartphone application, using the same technology that sends physical feedback to your fingers when using a touchscreen device. Your partner is able to control where you feel their electronic touch and the intensity. The fact that this is more of an intimate experience than a purely sexual one is what intrigues me the most. Durex appears to still be in the early stages of this product line, but you can get more information at Wearable Experiments.

Have you ever used a sex toy that connected with a partner via computer technology? Would you? I want to hear your experiences and opinions! 

Dear Hobby Lobby: Birth Control ≠ Abortion

Posted by

0

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve probably heard about the Supreme Court’s ruling in favor of Hobby Lobby. Basically, they were granted religious freedom to deny their female employees insurance coverage on their full choice of birth control methods — specifically IUDs and emergency contraception, which they consider abortifacients. A lot of people (not just pro-choicers) are angry about this ruling. Many consider contraceptive accessibility very beneficial to both individuals and society as a whole. Others are angered over Hobby Lobby’s alleged hypocrisy of investing in the very companies that create the products they are against.

While I’m upset for several reasons, I’m most angered by the fact that a ruling like this upholds ignorance on matters of basic sex education and further perpetuates a confusion between birth control and abortion that is already too prevalent in our society. Although they have a belief that these forms of contraceptives are abortifacients, that does not make it true. In fact, there is strong research-based evidence that makes Hobby Lobby’s argument unsound. First, we have to take a look at how emergency contraception and IUDs actually work.

Emergency Contraception

Emergency contraception is commonly referred to as “the morning after pill” as well as the most popular brand name, Plan B. Other brands sold in the U.S. include Ella, Next Choice, and My Way. Many brands of daily oral contraceptives can also be used as emergency contraception when multiples are taken. (There is a fantastic chart here that shows how many pills of what brands can be taken in this way.) Basically, all methods act by releasing a large dose of synthetic progesterone into the body. Note that these pills should not be confused with Mifepristone, which can be used to induce a medication abortion. The “morning after pill” and “abortion pill” are two different medications, working at two very different times — one before pregnancy and one after. Emergency contraception does not have any effect if the woman is already pregnant.

To understand how a contraceptive method can work after intercourse, we first have to recognize that fertilization of an egg does not happen immediately. At the very least, the sperm have to find their way into the fallopian tubes to fertilize the egg (which can take a few hours). If ovulation/the release of an egg hasn’t yet occurred, the sperm may have to try to survive for a few days in waiting (7 days appears to be the longest observed time). This is the key to how emergency contraception works, and explains why it has to be taken quickly — usually within the first 72 hours. If taken before ovulation occurs, the synthetic progesterone signals to the body not to release an egg, thereby preventing fertilization by keeping the sperm and egg separated.

The once-hypothesized idea that emergency contraceptives can provide a second barrier to pregnancy by preventing implantation is not being supported by scientific studies.1 Instead, what we are finding is that most, if not all, emergency contraceptives are not effective if ovulation has already occurred, meaning that they are not working at the level of implantation. The only brand that seems like it might alter the uterine lining (which is not to say that it necessary would inhibit implantation) is Ella, which uses a different form of synthetic progesterone than levonorgestrel.

IUDs

Although all the details explaining how IUDs work have not been determined yet, we are discovering more as their popularity increases, more research is conducted, and they are better refined. (Being comparable to permanent sterilization in their effectiveness, but still remaining a temporary method, they offer a lot of promise for the fields of reproductive health & family planning.) What research shows is that just like all other methods of contraception, an IUD primarily works by preventing fertilization. Depending on the type of IUD (copper or hormonal), this can occur a number of ways. Copper appears to be a very effective spermicide, killing off sperm as they enter into the uterus, thus preventing them from reaching an egg that may be present in the fallopian tubes. Hormonal IUDs (which contain levonorgestrel) may prevent ovulation for some women, but they also thicken the cervical mucus so that sperm cannot quickly move through it.

It has generally been thought that because hormonal IUDs also thin the uterine lining and copper alters the uterine environment, these methods may also prevent implantation of a fertilized egg. This is still debatable, with some arguing that it explains why IUDs are so greatly effective. However, even from the beginning, the use of IUDs has not shown any greater rate of failed implantations than what occurs naturally.2 

Which brings me to my other point: Even if we were to ignore much of the scientific evidence and admit that these methods of contraception may provide a last-ditch effort to prevent pregnancy by blocking implantation of a fertilized egg…

Fertilization and pregnancy are not one and the same.

Pregnancy is a much more complicated process than most people give it credit for, with a lot of room for error. (Although this is very simplified, the basic steps of the process are: ovulation + intercourse + fertilization + implantation = pregnancy.) As far back as 1965, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recognized this and determined that the very definition of conception (or pregnancy) depended on implantation of a fertilized egg into the uterine wall. Fertilization by itself is simply not enough for your body to be considered pregnant. It is only one step along the way.

When contraception is not being used, at least 50% of fertilized eggs never fully implant and are thus naturally destroyed by the woman’s body before anyone is any wiser.3 This usually happens so quickly that it does not even alter a woman’s menstrual cycle, let alone begin to release pregnancy hormones. In general, because contraceptives reduce the amount of fertilized eggs, they actually help reduce the amount of failed implantations that would otherwise occur naturally. (This article does a fantastic job explaining the basic idea, even though the exact numbers reflect the use of oral contraceptives — not EC or IUDs.)

Beliefs are important to all of us, but we can’t forget to continuously reexamine them in the light of new evidence that speaks to the contrary.

1. http://www.sciencefriday.com/blogs/06/15/2012/emergency-contraception-how-it-works-how-it-doesn-t.html?audience=4

2. http://www.popcouncil.org/uploads/pdfs/Sivin.pdf

3. http://www.ucsfhealth.org/education/conception_how_it_works/