Essays

How to Love Your Vulva in 4 Simple Steps

Posted by

0

Vagina Books

I’ve never had a real close relationship with my vulva. I wouldn’t say that I ever really hated it, just that I haven’t appreciated it. Since puberty, I have annoyingly viewed it as just one more body part that needed to be shaved. I have unfairly compared it to those compact little vulvas of porn stars, mockingly referring to it as my “dangly bits.” In fact, my first reaction to labiaplasty was one of intrigue — not horror and sadness that I would actually consider paying someone to cosmetically cut off parts of my genitalia.

Investigating human sexuality and becoming part of the sex positive movement has forced me to question my attitude. Did you know that women who lack positive feelings about their genital appearance also report lower levels of sexual self-esteem and sexual satisfaction?1 Yeah, me neither. But that information convinced me that it was in my best interest to make friends with my vulva.

 Here’s what I’ve learned…

1. Educate Yourself

As Buzzfeed recently showed us, many adults of both genders cannot correctly identify the parts of male/female sex organs. Although the mislabeled diagrams were presented in a humorous way, the obvious lack of sex education is also cringeworthy. For those of us advocating for comprehensive sex ed, this failure isn’t exactly surprising — especially for external female genitalia. Focusing entirely on internal reproductive organs, many curricula omit anatomical details like the (purely pleasurable) clitoris.

Take responsibility for your own sex education. Learn the correct anatomical terms for the parts of your genitals, and be able to locate them. (Yes, even if that means looking at your vagina in a mirror.) Know how your vulva and vagina physically change when aroused. Understand the details of ovulation and menstruation, so that you know what’s going on inside your body. And of course, keep up to date on regular gynecological visits while educating yourself about basic vulvovaginal health.

Two really great educational resources are Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva by Debby Herbenick & Vanessa Schick and The V Book: A Doctor’s Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health by Elizabeth Stewart & Paula Spencer.

2. Challenge Your Concept of the “Ideal” Vulva

Women’s bodies are often distorted by the media and vulvas are no exception. The difference is we very rarely have the opportunity to see the real vulvas of real women. Porn is usually our only representation, and mainstream pornography falls into the same trap of airbrushed and surgical perfection as this month’s fashion magazine. Vanessa Schick has done some intriguing studies on porn star vaginas. Among her findings are that Playboy almost never includes images of longer inner labia and that the amount of centerfolds with “natural” pubic hair decreased from 99% in the 1980’s to only 9% in the 2000’s.2

Try searching out amateur or Feminist porn that focuses on real depictions of the female body. If you’re looking for something less hardcore, there are some beautiful photography books that celebrate vulva diversity. (Petals by Nick Karras even has a cheap Kindle version.) I also find the novelty of Tee Corinne’s Cunt Coloring Book simply irresistible. Exposing yourself to a variety of vulvas can help you to view yours as beautiful and unique, no matter the form, color, or pubic hair style.

3. Touch Yourself

Female masturbation is still taboo in our society despite the fact that only 11% of women claim to have never masturbated.3 For some women, touching themselves is not only sexually satisfying, but empowering. Others only experience a mental block of shame and emotional discomfort. If you’re part of the latter group, there are ways to overcome these obstacles. Making time for private relaxation, reading or watching erotic material, and slowing down to explore non-genital pleasure can all be helpful. If the emotional barriers are too much, but you are willing to talk about it, consider if assistance from a sex therapist may be beneficial.

4. Surround Yourself with “Vagina Pride”

Sometimes it’s easier to develop a positive body image with a little outside encouragement. Start small. Watch and read media that encourages sexual self-esteem in the privacy of your own home. (Buck Angel’s documentary, Mr. Angel, is one of the most inspiring films that I’ve ever seen.) Expect your gynecologist to provide a welcoming atmosphere where vulvovaginal knowledge is dispersed and questions are encouraged. Insist on having intimate partners who respect your genitalia and show enthusiasm for giving you pleasure. Attend events like The Vagina Monologues or other unique local performances with your friends. (On a recent vacation to Austin, TX I was introduced to Bedpost Confessions which I highly recommend. Click here for a hilarious podcast from that night— all about one female’s discovery of her vagina.)

Learning to love your vulva can take a lot of time and effort, but being proud of your body — all of it — is worth it. And let’s be honest, the process can be half the fun…I mean, look at #3.

1. V. Schick, S.K. Calabrese, B.N. Rima, and A.N. Zucker, “Genital Appearance Dissatisfaction: Implications for Women’s Genital Image Self-Conciousness, Sexual Esteem, Sexual Satisfaction, and Sexual Risk,” Psychology of Women Quarterly 34 (2010): 394-404.

2. V. Schick, B.N. Rima, and S.K. Calabrese, “Evulvalution: The Portrayal of Women’s External Genitalia and Physique across Time and the Current Barbie Doll Ideals,” The Journal of Sex Research 48 (2011): 74-81.

3. Janus, S., and Janus, C. The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior. 1993. New York: John Wiley & Sons.

Sensation Play: Blindfolds, Hot Wax, and Feathers, Oh My!

Posted by

0

You hear a high-pitched ping to your right, a sound that reminds you of glasses being clinked together at a party. Instinctively, you turn your head, but you can’t see through the blackness of the blindfold. You wait, straining to hear something more, but nothing more comes. The bed shifts under the weight of your partner. As more time passes, you can feel your muscles tense in apprehension. A splash of ice-cold liquid falls onto your nipple. You inhale quickly and jump in alarm as the liquid rolls off your side. More drops fall onto your chest, along your sternum, and onto your stomach. Suddenly something feels different. You realize that the last one stings — not from intense cold, but from heat. More drops land on your skin as you struggle to distinguish hot from cold, doubting yourself as the sensation from the next drop begs for your attention.

Sensation play refers to a cluster of sexual activities that are focused on the exploration of physical sensation. Most often, sensation play is thought of as a BDSM activity. However, while it certainly can include pain for the masochistically inclined, sensation play can also just be soft and sensual. It’s a way to slow down and enjoy the different effects that you and your partner can have on each other’s bodies. It can also lead to creative experimentation with household items that are not normally sexualized.

Perhaps the easiest way to begin a journey into sensation play is simply by exploring touch. Consider the range of pleasurable sensations that you have felt — not only those that were sexual. Maybe you have an obsession with cashmere or fur, or you love the way that a chain necklace feels when lightly moved against your skin. Of course, there are also several sex toys made for sensation play, like ticklers made from chain or rubber. But the great thing about sensation play is that common items can be incorporated into foreplay. Feathers, makeup brushes, loofahs…take a quick run through your home and you’ll see that the possibilities are endless!

For those that may want to experiment with combining pain and pleasure, there are even more options. You may want to consider abrasive materials, like sandpaper or hard-bristled brushes. Sex toys for this sort of play include a wide variety of pinwheels (the most common being the Wartenberg), and clawed gloves, like these impressive bear paws. Impact toys like paddles and whips can also fall into the realm of sensation play. (A separate post on impact play safety tips is soon to come.)

Another commonly explored sensation, as described in my opening paragraph, is extremes in temperature. (This is sometimes specifically referred to as temperature play.) Cold water, ice cubes, and metal objects chilled in ice water are common ways to provide your partner with cold sensations. For the hot side of the spectrum, many people turn to melted wax. Be sure to do plenty of research into wax play safety before beginning. (Nobody wants nasty burns.) White paraffin candles are generally a good choice for beginners — as they burn at lower temperatures. However, for an even lower melting point, you can use massage candles. If those are still too hot for your enjoyment, there are also warming massage oils that barely get above body temperature.

The reverse side of sensation play, sensory deprivation or the absence of sensation, can also be fun. Some individuals enjoy total deprivation of their senses, while others prefer the impairment of one sense in order to enhance the experience of others. Blindfolds, earplugs, and/or earphones with music playing can all be deprivation tools. This places a person in a sort of bubble where they are solely focused on sensations of touch. Because blindfolds are a very successful crossover from BDSM to vanilla sex, sensory deprivation can be a great way to break into sensation play without feeling too intimidated.

No matter the type or intensity of sensations that you are comfortable exploring, sensation play can be considered as one more tool in your sexual repertoire — and an opportunity to spend an hour or two figuring out how to make your partner tremble.

Victim Blaming: The Absurdity of Rape Justification

Posted by

0

I remember the first time that I was made aware of victim blaming. It was before I knew that there was a term for it, before I knew rape statistics & facts for the society that was I growing up in. Honestly, it was before I even had a mature understanding of what exactly “rape” meant for the survivor of such an act, beyond knowing that it was real bad. When I was around 10 years old, I was watching a daytime talk show with my grandma. A young female was talking about how she had been raped and suddenly my grandma vehemently stated that the girl had been asking for it — dressing the way she was. I can still remember gaping at her, the otherwise most kind and caring person that I had ever known, and realizing that what she had just said was completely fucked up.

What is victim blaming?

Victim blaming occurs any time that the responsibility for the crime of rape/sexual assault is pushed onto the survivor or “victim,” instead of the rapist being held completely at fault. Whenever you have heard someone bring into question a survivor’s attire, sexual history, alcohol/drug consumption, or even the physical time & location of the attack, you have witnessed victim blaming. The sad truth is that this harmful behavior is everywhere, being spouted by the young and the old, male and female.

A 2010 UK survey, Wake Up to Rape, found that 56% of responders thought that “there are some circumstances where a person should accept responsibility” for being raped. Disturbingly, females were more apt to blame the victim than males were: 71% of women vs. 57% of men thought the victim was to blame if they got into bed with their perpetrator. Younger responders were also more harsh, with 20% of 18-24 year olds (vs. only 7% of 35-50 year olds) placing blame on the victim if they simply had a conversation with their perpetrator and accepted a drink from them at a bar.

What prominent rape cases have taught us over the years is that anyone can be blamed for their own rape. In the 1989 Glen Ridge rape trial, where a girl with cognitive disabilities was sexually assaulted with a baseball bat and broom handle, the perpetrators’ defense attorney tried to convince the jury that the victim was a sexually aggressive lolita. In 2011, the press found it necessary to report that an 11 year old girl, who had been gang raped by 18 males, was known to dress “older than her age” and “hang out with teenage boys.” And in 2012, individuals in their hometown and across the internet showed support for the Steubenville football players, bemoaning the loss of their athletic careers after they sexually assaulted a girl who was so intoxicated that there were jokes about her being dead.

The effects of victim blaming stretch far and wide. 

Victim blaming plays a major role in rape culture by insinuating that victims deserve what they get, and that perpetrators are put into positions where they “just can’t control themselves” — or shouldn’t be expected to. This has a harmful effect on everyone. Survivors of rape and sexual assault often internalize the blame. Men (although not the only gender to be rapists) are unfortunately reduced to a distrustful Neanderthal stereotype. And many individuals structure their lives around what feminist writer, Jessica Valenti, calls a “rape schedule.” (If you have ever considered buying rape protective clothing, taken a more populated or brightly lit route instead of the most direct, or avoided going somewhere alone for fear of being raped, you have lived by a “rape schedule.”)

By focusing on a victim’s “mistakes,” we ignore the importance of consent. Not teaching consent leads to beliefs like those expressed in a 1998 survey of Rhode Island students, where 62% of boys and 58% of girls in the 9th grade said that a person had the “right to sexual intercourse against their date’s consent if they have dated a long time.” It doesn’t matter if someone is completely naked, if they are a sex worker, if they have had several other sexual partners, if you have had sex with them in the past, or if they have changed their mind about having sex now. Sex without consent is rape — no matter what the victim did or didn’t do. Yet we still focus on teaching people how to avoid getting raped, not how to avoid raping.

Speak out against victim blaming!

Sometimes it seems that victim blaming occurs out of nothing more than meanness and one person/group’s sense of entitlement over another. However, victim blaming can also be seen as a misguided way that some people try to make sense of the world. It’s a classic example of the “Just-World Fallacy.” By insisting that the victim was doing something in order to deserve punishment, other people are able to separate themselves from that victim. This is how we get comments like, “I’m also a woman, but you don’t see me getting raped.” It’s a way for people to stay in denial that sexual assault could happen to anybody — including themselves.

According to RAINN, 1 in 6 American women and 1 in 33 American men will experience an attempted or completed rape. 73% of sexual assaults are committed by someone that the victim knows. Educate yourself! Recognize the ways that people commonly place blame on the victim, even when they are denying it. (Ex: “I’m not saying she/he deserved it, but…”) Some horrifying and depressing, but real, examples can be seen in the “Shit Everybody Says to Rape Victims” videos on Youtube (here and here). Familiarize yourself with the many analogies that people use to try and justify victim blaming, and learn how to refute them. A fantastic article to help with this has been prepared by the humanist organization, Nirmukta.

The next time that you hear someone engaging in victim blaming, speak up. If we don’t tolerate other violent crimes against our fellow humans, why would we make an excuse for sexual violence? Nobody deserves to be raped.

The Magic (Safe)word

Posted by

0

I know that, according to the ever-popular Christian Grey, “Lovers don’t need safewords,” but I’m here to say that’s bullshit. Because, if understood and used responsibly, safewords can benefit any sexual relationship. Problems arise when communication about a couple’s safeword is lacking — or when the idea of a safeword is shrouded in societal misconceptions.

What is a “safeword?”

A safeword is a word that is designated and agreed upon prior to sexual activity. This word is to be used in the case of overwhelming amounts of physical, mental, or emotional discomfort/pain. If a person says the safeword, their partner(s) will immediately stop what they are doing — either completely or at least long enough to fix the problem. To make this distinction more clear, sometimes there will be two designated words: one to signal a pause or alleviation of current activity and the other to signal a complete stop to all activity.

There are a few ways that people may choose their safewords. Most importantly, the safeword should not be something that would normally be said during sex. Some choose words that hint at discomfort like “mercy.” Others choose a random word like “salad.” And still others stick with the standard traffic light code:  “yellow”  for caution/slow down and “red” for stop. (Some people also use “green” as a way to communicate that everything is fine and that the activity should continue.) But a safeword doesn’t have to be a spoken word. For example, in the BDSM community, it’s common to have a nonverbal signal in case a gag is being used. This opens up a lot of possibilities, like snapping of the fingers or tapping on a nearby surface. Whatever the method of communication, it should be quick and unmistakable. 

“No!” and “Stop!”: Universal safewords? 

A lot of people don’t get the point of safewords. They argue that words like “no” and “stop” should be enough to make any partner stop in their tracks. For the most part, I agree with this. But I also recognize that there may be some situations where these words are part of a larger role-play scenario. A lot of people (while not turned on by the actual act of rape) may want to experiment with consensual “forced” sex. As part of the performance, one partner may pretend to fight back or say “stop.” Another consideration is that, in the case of intense physical sensation (ex: spanking or even tickling), it may be a reflex for some people to say “stop!” long before they actually hit their limit. In both of these cases, a separate word could be used to signal the actual desire to stop the scene.

There’s also some unfortunate societal reasons for individuals to avoid using these words. Even during sex, people will keep quiet because they fear hurting someone else’s feelings. They don’t want their partner(s) to feel like they aren’t skilled at giving sexual pleasure. And, as horrible as it is, a lot of people simply accept that sex “is supposed to be” painful, uncomfortable, or at the very least unpleasurable. Words like “stop” may even feel too final for some, insinuating panic when all they really want to do is pause while they find a more comfortable position. Bringing in a unique safeword can actually seem less intimidating, and lead to greater communication.

Safewords for everyone! 

I encourage everyone to forget the idea that safewords are only for dangerous BDSM play. They are a great way for all sexual couples to keep an open line of communication. They promote consensual sexual activity by giving everyone a voice. Even if you choose to rely on “no” or “stop,” you and your partner(s) should still have the safeword conversation. (Do you feel comfortable speaking up during sex? What are things that would cause you to say stop? How do you plan to communicate ‘stop’ vs. ‘wait?’ etc.) This will provide you with a clear, verbal plan for communication during sex, in addition to body language. Then, if something doesn’t feel good or if one of you simply wants to stop — for whatever reason, both of you will be on the same page immediately.

Getting Handsy: Female Genitalia

Posted by

0

Think back to all the times you have heard guys complain about how hard it is to find the clitoris or the G-spot. A woman’s vulva and vagina are viewed as a very precision-oriented combination lock, with an all-powerful sequence that magically unlocks orgasm. Touch here, rub gently, poke there, and repeat. But that’s simply not true.

Every woman is different in what she finds arousing or pleasurable. And just like the majority of my other posts, my first bit of advice here is to communicate. Ask your partner how she likes to be touched. If she has difficulty describing it, see if she feels comfortable giving you a visual demonstration. If there are specifics that you are still unsure about (like pressure), you can ask her to give you feedback while you’re pleasuring her or to physically guide your hand with hers.

If this is something that you are freshly exploring together, then some basic anatomy may be helpful. Although every vulva is unique in details of color, shape, and size, the individual parts are still easy to recognize.

vulva

When discussing vulvar (external) stimulation, the clitoris generally receives the most attention. Specifically the clitoral glans, as much of the actual clitoris lies hidden within a woman’s body. This tiny button-like structure contains thousands of nerve endings (upwards of 8000, double that of the penile glans) and is naturally covered by the clitoral hood to prevent over-stimulation. However, during arousal, the clitoris will swell, making itself more accessible.

Still, the clitoris is super sensitive and many women may not feel comfortable being touched there. Massaging the clitoris by rubbing the clitoral hood overtop of it is a good alternative to direct contact. Experiment with what speed & pressure feel best (start slow & gentle, so as to avoid causing pain) and what motion is preferred (circular, back and forth, etc). It’s also a good idea to stay lubricated, so that your hand glides smoothly over her genitals.

Remember that, even though the clitoris gets the spotlight, many women enjoy stimulation on other parts of their external genitalia too. Some like their labia being gently stroked or tugged on. Some enjoy their mons being rubbed or their pubic hair played with. Some may like their perineum or anus to be touched as well. Ask what your partner is comfortable with and spend some time exploring to see what feels nice.

Although the term “fingering” brings to mind vaginal (internal) stimulation, this actually isn’t something that all women want. Some women may consider insertion distracting or uncomfortable. Desires can also change depending on one’s mood. Having a conversation about this can lead to a more pleasurable experience. If your partner is into vaginal stimulation, ask how many fingers feel comfortable. This can range from one finger to a whole hand. (Of course, fisting has its own safety measures.) You may also want to ask about speed or technique.

A lot of men seem to worry about technique. There are several lists online of specific ways to please your special lady. Personally, reading through many of those makes me cringe. The “Twist and Shout” will only make me shout “Stop!” but it may make your partner squeal with delight. If you find a technique that seems interesting, get her opinion on it first.

The most popular technique is probably the “come hither” motion. This stimulates the G-spot on the front wall of the vagina. Some women will not enjoy this because it can feel like the need to urinate. For others, it creates a whole new level of sexual pleasure. Whatever your partner finds pleasing on the inside, remember to stay lubricated, keep those hands clean, and the fingernails neatly trimmed. The vagina can easily get tiny tears, leading to pain and increased risk of infection. And that just isn’t fun for anybody.

As I mentioned in my post about handjobs, “fingering” is low on the sexual totem pole. Many men may bypass this method of stimulation because, even though they experimented with “heavy petting” as a teenager, they moved onto other activities before mastering it. But spending some time on improving your manual skills can be an intimate and rewarding experience.