vulva

How to Love Your Vulva in 4 Simple Steps

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Vagina Books

I’ve never had a real close relationship with my vulva. I wouldn’t say that I ever really hated it, just that I haven’t appreciated it. Since puberty, I have annoyingly viewed it as just one more body part that needed to be shaved. I have unfairly compared it to those compact little vulvas of porn stars, mockingly referring to it as my “dangly bits.” In fact, my first reaction to labiaplasty was one of intrigue — not horror and sadness that I would actually consider paying someone to cosmetically cut off parts of my genitalia.

Investigating human sexuality and becoming part of the sex positive movement has forced me to question my attitude. Did you know that women who lack positive feelings about their genital appearance also report lower levels of sexual self-esteem and sexual satisfaction?1 Yeah, me neither. But that information convinced me that it was in my best interest to make friends with my vulva.

 Here’s what I’ve learned…

1. Educate Yourself

As Buzzfeed recently showed us, many adults of both genders cannot correctly identify the parts of male/female sex organs. Although the mislabeled diagrams were presented in a humorous way, the obvious lack of sex education is also cringeworthy. For those of us advocating for comprehensive sex ed, this failure isn’t exactly surprising — especially for external female genitalia. Focusing entirely on internal reproductive organs, many curricula omit anatomical details like the (purely pleasurable) clitoris.

Take responsibility for your own sex education. Learn the correct anatomical terms for the parts of your genitals, and be able to locate them. (Yes, even if that means looking at your vagina in a mirror.) Know how your vulva and vagina physically change when aroused. Understand the details of ovulation and menstruation, so that you know what’s going on inside your body. And of course, keep up to date on regular gynecological visits while educating yourself about basic vulvovaginal health.

Two really great educational resources are Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva by Debby Herbenick & Vanessa Schick and The V Book: A Doctor’s Guide to Complete Vulvovaginal Health by Elizabeth Stewart & Paula Spencer.

2. Challenge Your Concept of the “Ideal” Vulva

Women’s bodies are often distorted by the media and vulvas are no exception. The difference is we very rarely have the opportunity to see the real vulvas of real women. Porn is usually our only representation, and mainstream pornography falls into the same trap of airbrushed and surgical perfection as this month’s fashion magazine. Vanessa Schick has done some intriguing studies on porn star vaginas. Among her findings are that Playboy almost never includes images of longer inner labia and that the amount of centerfolds with “natural” pubic hair decreased from 99% in the 1980’s to only 9% in the 2000’s.2

Try searching out amateur or Feminist porn that focuses on real depictions of the female body. If you’re looking for something less hardcore, there are some beautiful photography books that celebrate vulva diversity. (Petals by Nick Karras even has a cheap Kindle version.) I also find the novelty of Tee Corinne’s Cunt Coloring Book simply irresistible. Exposing yourself to a variety of vulvas can help you to view yours as beautiful and unique, no matter the form, color, or pubic hair style.

3. Touch Yourself

Female masturbation is still taboo in our society despite the fact that only 11% of women claim to have never masturbated.3 For some women, touching themselves is not only sexually satisfying, but empowering. Others only experience a mental block of shame and emotional discomfort. If you’re part of the latter group, there are ways to overcome these obstacles. Making time for private relaxation, reading or watching erotic material, and slowing down to explore non-genital pleasure can all be helpful. If the emotional barriers are too much, but you are willing to talk about it, consider if assistance from a sex therapist may be beneficial.

4. Surround Yourself with “Vagina Pride”

Sometimes it’s easier to develop a positive body image with a little outside encouragement. Start small. Watch and read media that encourages sexual self-esteem in the privacy of your own home. (Buck Angel’s documentary, Mr. Angel, is one of the most inspiring films that I’ve ever seen.) Expect your gynecologist to provide a welcoming atmosphere where vulvovaginal knowledge is dispersed and questions are encouraged. Insist on having intimate partners who respect your genitalia and show enthusiasm for giving you pleasure. Attend events like The Vagina Monologues or other unique local performances with your friends. (On a recent vacation to Austin, TX I was introduced to Bedpost Confessions which I highly recommend. Click here for a hilarious podcast from that night— all about one female’s discovery of her vagina.)

Learning to love your vulva can take a lot of time and effort, but being proud of your body — all of it — is worth it. And let’s be honest, the process can be half the fun…I mean, look at #3.

1. V. Schick, S.K. Calabrese, B.N. Rima, and A.N. Zucker, “Genital Appearance Dissatisfaction: Implications for Women’s Genital Image Self-Conciousness, Sexual Esteem, Sexual Satisfaction, and Sexual Risk,” Psychology of Women Quarterly 34 (2010): 394-404.

2. V. Schick, B.N. Rima, and S.K. Calabrese, “Evulvalution: The Portrayal of Women’s External Genitalia and Physique across Time and the Current Barbie Doll Ideals,” The Journal of Sex Research 48 (2011): 74-81.

3. Janus, S., and Janus, C. The Janus Report on Sexual Behavior. 1993. New York: John Wiley & Sons.

Getting Handsy: Female Genitalia

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Think back to all the times you have heard guys complain about how hard it is to find the clitoris or the G-spot. A woman’s vulva and vagina are viewed as a very precision-oriented combination lock, with an all-powerful sequence that magically unlocks orgasm. Touch here, rub gently, poke there, and repeat. But that’s simply not true.

Every woman is different in what she finds arousing or pleasurable. And just like the majority of my other posts, my first bit of advice here is to communicate. Ask your partner how she likes to be touched. If she has difficulty describing it, see if she feels comfortable giving you a visual demonstration. If there are specifics that you are still unsure about (like pressure), you can ask her to give you feedback while you’re pleasuring her or to physically guide your hand with hers.

If this is something that you are freshly exploring together, then some basic anatomy may be helpful. Although every vulva is unique in details of color, shape, and size, the individual parts are still easy to recognize.

vulva

When discussing vulvar (external) stimulation, the clitoris generally receives the most attention. Specifically the clitoral glans, as much of the actual clitoris lies hidden within a woman’s body. This tiny button-like structure contains thousands of nerve endings (upwards of 8000, double that of the penile glans) and is naturally covered by the clitoral hood to prevent over-stimulation. However, during arousal, the clitoris will swell, making itself more accessible.

Still, the clitoris is super sensitive and many women may not feel comfortable being touched there. Massaging the clitoris by rubbing the clitoral hood overtop of it is a good alternative to direct contact. Experiment with what speed & pressure feel best (start slow & gentle, so as to avoid causing pain) and what motion is preferred (circular, back and forth, etc). It’s also a good idea to stay lubricated, so that your hand glides smoothly over her genitals.

Remember that, even though the clitoris gets the spotlight, many women enjoy stimulation on other parts of their external genitalia too. Some like their labia being gently stroked or tugged on. Some enjoy their mons being rubbed or their pubic hair played with. Some may like their perineum or anus to be touched as well. Ask what your partner is comfortable with and spend some time exploring to see what feels nice.

Although the term “fingering” brings to mind vaginal (internal) stimulation, this actually isn’t something that all women want. Some women may consider insertion distracting or uncomfortable. Desires can also change depending on one’s mood. Having a conversation about this can lead to a more pleasurable experience. If your partner is into vaginal stimulation, ask how many fingers feel comfortable. This can range from one finger to a whole hand. (Of course, fisting has its own safety measures.) You may also want to ask about speed or technique.

A lot of men seem to worry about technique. There are several lists online of specific ways to please your special lady. Personally, reading through many of those makes me cringe. The “Twist and Shout” will only make me shout “Stop!” but it may make your partner squeal with delight. If you find a technique that seems interesting, get her opinion on it first.

The most popular technique is probably the “come hither” motion. This stimulates the G-spot on the front wall of the vagina. Some women will not enjoy this because it can feel like the need to urinate. For others, it creates a whole new level of sexual pleasure. Whatever your partner finds pleasing on the inside, remember to stay lubricated, keep those hands clean, and the fingernails neatly trimmed. The vagina can easily get tiny tears, leading to pain and increased risk of infection. And that just isn’t fun for anybody.

As I mentioned in my post about handjobs, “fingering” is low on the sexual totem pole. Many men may bypass this method of stimulation because, even though they experimented with “heavy petting” as a teenager, they moved onto other activities before mastering it. But spending some time on improving your manual skills can be an intimate and rewarding experience.