Think back to all the times you have heard guys complain about how hard it is to find the clitoris or the G-spot. A woman’s vulva and vagina are viewed as a very precision-oriented combination lock, with an all-powerful sequence that magically unlocks orgasm. Touch here, rub gently, poke there, and repeat. But that’s simply not true.

Every woman is different in what she finds arousing or pleasurable. And just like the majority of my other posts, my first bit of advice here is to communicate. Ask your partner how she likes to be touched. If she has difficulty describing it, see if she feels comfortable giving you a visual demonstration. If there are specifics that you are still unsure about (like pressure), you can ask her to give you feedback while you’re pleasuring her or to physically guide your hand with hers.

If this is something that you are freshly exploring together, then some basic anatomy may be helpful. Although every vulva is unique in details of color, shape, and size, the individual parts are still easy to recognize.

When discussing vulvar (external) stimulation, the clitoris generally receives the most attention. Specifically the clitoral glans, as much of the actual clitoris lies hidden within a woman’s body. This tiny button-like structure contains thousands of nerve endings (upwards of 8000, double that of the penile glans) and is naturally covered by the clitoral hood to prevent over-stimulation. However, during arousal, the clitoris will swell, making itself more accessible.

Still, the clitoris is super sensitive and many women may not feel comfortable being touched there. Massaging the clitoris by rubbing the clitoral hood overtop of it is a good alternative to direct contact. Experiment with what speed & pressure feel best (start slow & gentle, so as to avoid causing pain) and what motion is preferred (circular, back and forth, etc). It’s also a good idea to stay lubricated, so that your hand glides smoothly over her genitals.

Remember that, even though the clitoris gets the spotlight, many women enjoy stimulation on other parts of their external genitalia too. Some like their labia being gently stroked or tugged on. Some enjoy their mons being rubbed or their pubic hair played with. Some may like their perineum or anus to be touched as well. Ask what your partner is comfortable with and spend some time exploring to see what feels nice.

Although the term “fingering” brings to mind vaginal (internal) stimulation, this actually isn’t something that all women want. Some women may consider insertion distracting or uncomfortable. Desires can also change depending on one’s mood. Having a conversation about this can lead to a more pleasurable experience. If your partner is into vaginal stimulation, ask how many fingers feel comfortable. This can range from one finger to a whole hand. (Of course, fisting has its own safety measures.) You may also want to ask about speed or technique.

A lot of men seem to worry about technique. There are several lists online of specific ways to please your special lady. Personally, reading through many of those makes me cringe. The “Twist and Shout” will only make me shout “Stop!” but it may make your partner squeal with delight. If you find a technique that seems interesting, get her opinion on it first.

The most popular technique is probably the “come hither” motion. This stimulates the G-spot on the front wall of the vagina. Some women will not enjoy this because it can feel like the need to urinate. For others, it creates a whole new level of sexual pleasure. Whatever your partner finds pleasing on the inside, remember to stay lubricated, keep those hands clean, and the fingernails neatly trimmed. The vagina can easily get tiny tears, leading to pain and increased risk of infection. And that just isn’t fun for anybody.

As I mentioned in my post about handjobs, “fingering” is low on the sexual totem pole. Many men may bypass this method of stimulation because, even though they experimented with “heavy petting” as a teenager, they moved onto other activities before mastering it. But spending some time on improving your manual skills can be an intimate and rewarding experience.