media review

Secretary [review]

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Secretary (2002), inspired by a short story by Mary Gaitskill, stars Maggie Gyllenhaal as Lee Holloway and James Spader as Mr. E. Edward Grey. The story follows Lee as she is released from a psychiatric institution and attempts to gain control over her life. In doing so, she takes a job as a lawyer’s secretary. Through Grey’s intense need for control & perfection within the office, a Dominant/submissive power dynamic forms between him and Lee. This dynamic eventually turns sexual, and the two of them are forced to confront questions of love, lust, and intimate relationships in general.

Being one of the few mainstream movies to depict a BDSM relationship, Secretary has gained a lot of attention. In the brief 12 years since its release, it has become a sort of modern classic for many in the community. In fact, I vividly remember the first time that I watched Secretary: sneaking off to my bedroom after my roommates had gone to bed, playing it on my laptop through a pair of earphones. Not only was it thrilling and sexually taboo, but for the first time, I was able to see an important part of my sexuality reflected on screen in a validating way.

Why Secretary is one of my favorite films…

I’ll admit, a small reason why I love Secretary so much is because James Spader has the most amazingly authoritative voice in the world. But the real reason is because BDSM is portrayed as a legitimate option in the realm of human sexuality — an acceptable, shame-free way for two people to find peace within themselves and an intense connection as a couple. Through their D/s romance, the characters grow into better individuals.

Lee finds comfort & cathartic release from BDSM, allowing her to abandon her old, self-destructive habits. She gains confidence in her appearance and her abilities. Through submission she actually learns to speak up for herself and become her own person. Grey also learns to accept himself and his sexual desires. At first, he is almost plagued by his need to be dominant. He battles against it, believing it to be abnormal, unrealistic, or both. But Lee encourages that part of him, allowing him to lower the walls that distanced him from romantic/sexual partners in the past.

The movie also does a wonderful job of not being overtly sexual. There is a concentration on the emotional and mental aspects of a D/s power dynamic with a focus on control/devotion and protection/security. When there are bits of nudity, they are not pornographic; they are intimate.

Why Secretary is not perfect…

Unfortunately, sexual communication is pretty much nonexistent between Grey and Lee for the majority of the film, creating far too many similarities with sexual harassment and assault. There are no discussions about consent or boundaries. They don’t even discuss their intentions, expectations, or desires! Instead, Lee relies on silently manipulating Grey into dominant action, while Grey irresponsibly engages in those actions without getting explicit consent. Though nobody gets physically injured because of this, it does lead to some very uncomfortable sexual activity that can be difficult to watch.

Secretary is also guilty of the very misrepresentations that I mentioned in Popular BDSM Erotica: Damaged & Diluted. My inspiration behind that post, Margot D. Weiss’ article “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in the U.S. Popular Media” was actually written specifically about this film. In her article, Weiss points out that BDSM is “pathologized” because submissive & masochistic Lee battles a history of self-injury. (Not that there is anything shameful about mental illness, only that it is unrelated to BDSM.) Grey and Lee’s BDSM relationship is also “normalized” when, at the end, they settle into marriage. Although I will argue that they do appear to continue their kinky sex play.

TL;DR

If you haven’t yet seen Secretary, I strongly recommend it. Keep in mind that communication should be part of every relationship, and that Hollywood’s misconceptions of BDSM are still something that needs changing. However, the fact that a D/s dynamic is displayed as a legitimate love style feels like a step in the right direction. In my opinion, Secretary is just too monumental to ignore for those interested in the BDSM lifestyle.

5stars

1. Margot D. Weiss. 2006. “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in U.S. Popular Media.” Journal of Homosexuality 50(2/3): 103-130.

You can also find an electronic copy of the article here.

Sasha Grey’s Juliette Society [review]

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When I first heard that Sasha Grey was writing an erotic novel, I was genuinely excited. While I was concerned about the technical skill that may or may not be present in her writing, a former adult performer seemed like the perfect author for a risqué and unapologizing sexual fantasy.

At first glance, The Juliette Society seems to be about a secret sex society for the rich & powerful, its name inspired by The Marquis de Sade. The blurb on the back cover is Fight Club-esque, but with sex. You do not talk about The Juliette Society. The main character, Catherine, is our window into this world, willing to tell us what happens behind closed doors.

However, as I read the book, I found that synopsis misleading. The novel is not so much about The Juliette Society as it is about Catherine herself. It’s a coming of age story of sorts; a sexual awakening of a 20-something college student. We, as readers, are the audience for her own personal fantasies, and her struggle to reconcile them with reality. As she interacts with individuals who are more sexually liberated than her, she questions where the line is that she shouldn’t cross. What will happen if she goes too far? Will her relationship survive? What does she truly desire?

The Good

I was genuinely impressed with Grey’s writing. As erotica publishers seem to favor quantity over quality, I’m always relieved to find an author who has a grasp on the English language and a new perspective to offer. Don’t come into this book expecting tedious descriptions of how “his large, throbbing member entered her wet slit.” Instead, you can expect a full chapter dedicated to her explorative (and rather interesting) thoughts on “come.”

Grey’s greatest talent is in her character voice. Catherine is three-dimensional: not strictly good or bad, but a realistic gray area of personhood. Although it is written in first person, she is not a blank slate for readers to project themselves onto. She has her own interests and desires. She is witty, educated, and stronger than most female leads in the romance genre (even if she is somewhat dependent on her boyfriend for happiness). Her level of introspection provides a dimension not commonly seen in erotic literature.

The Bad

Although Grey’s attention to character made this book start out as a pleasurable read, I eventually needed more. In the story, (film student) Catherine keeps overstating that “plot is subservient to character,” but in The Juliette Society, plot becomes smothered by character. The entire story traps readers inside Catherine’s head. We don’t get a real, honest glimpse at the personalities or motives of the other characters. We don’t learn anything about the society that the novel is named for. (Catherine only visits twice.) It’s barely even discernible what is happening in Catherine’s daydreams vs. what is happening in her real life.

This might not have been a problem if it was only meant to be a story of sexual awakening, but that’s not the case. There is a largely neglected element of crime & mystery that surrounds The Society. Without a deliberate build up of suspense, the major plot twist feels contrived. The ending falls flat. Plus, it perpetuates negative stereotypes by once again connecting fetishism with murder.

The relationship between the main character and her boyfriend, Jack, also left me feeling uneasy. There’s a complete lack of communication. Catherine is secretive and Jack usually comes off as uninterested. There’s a lot of shame & guilt surrounding sex. Ultimately, Catherine shuts off the part of herself that desires more taboo activities in the bedroom in order to save the relationship. This doesn’t seem healthy.

Worth reading?

I could take it or leave it. Although I enjoyed The Juliette Society more than a lot of recent erotica, it’s difficult for me to consider it a part of that genre. I was never aroused by what I was reading. It always seemed more like general fiction, with added sexual aspects. And when compared with the quality standards of general fiction, The Juliette Society just didn’t stack up. However, this being Grey’s first novel, perhaps we can hope for a stronger sequel.

2star

Purity Myth

The Purity Myth [review]

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Did you know that 88% of individuals who pledge to remain abstinent until marriage end up breaking their pledge?1 And when they do have sex, they are less likely to use protection?2 

95% of people have premarital sex3, but we are still placing importance on our youth’s purity over their health and happiness — especially when it comes to girls. Instead of educating them & trusting them to make their own decisions, we place that power in the hands of others (legislators, doctors, parents, etc). We exercise control by convincing young women that their entire worth is connected to their sexuality: That they cannot be respectable human beings if they have sex, even though every makeup commercial, fashion magazine, and high school popularity contest tells them to be “sexy.”

Purity Myth

Feminist writer & advocate, Jessica Valenti, decided to speak out against this and much more in her book The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women (2010). Perhaps it’s due to my own experience within the purity movement, but this has become one of my favorite, most eye-opening and influential books that I’ve ever read. In fact, I wish that I would have discovered this book sooner, as it helped me to understand the forces at play during my own adolescence. Valenti links several problems to our obsession with “purity.” She provides facts & examples, while still maintaining a personable, informal tone — complete with typical Valenti-style sarcasm. (I personally enjoyed the humorous touch to her footnotes, but I can also see how her writing style may not get through to those with opposing viewpoints.)

In The Purity Myth, Valenti spends a lot of time explaining the damage done by Abstinence-Only Education, far beyond the blatant misinformation & lack of contraceptive use. She calls attention to class exercises that reinforce the idea that you are “dirty” or “unworthy” if you’ve slept with more than one person. She skillfully makes connections not only to slut-shaming, but also how this obsession with virginity plays into a larger rape culture, including victim-blaming. Valenti even points out how the media has created the stereotypical virgin: the beautiful, heterosexual, & caucasian “girl next door,” bringing up questions of sexism, racism, and homophobia.

Valenti calls out the purity movement for not only perpetuating the harmful virgin/whore dichotomy, but sending mixed messages between the two.  By focusing so much attention on this one characteristic, we have fetishized it to the point that girls are advertising their virginity on shirts & women are getting plastic surgery to recreate their hymen, because that’s what makes them appealing to men. We have sexualized the very idea of being non-sexual.

Where do we go from here? Valenti doesn’t make an argument for abandoning virginity in exchange for casual sex. She simply wants girls to be able to make their own educated decisions, without fear and slut-shaming. She calls for us to concentrate on the successes of young women today, instead of panicking over their so-called moral decline. If you’re reading this, nodding along in agreement, go find a copy of The Purity Myth. It will open your eyes to how far this obsession reaches, how much control it has over our society, and just how damaging it truly is.

5stars

1. Brückner, H., & Bearman, P. (2005). After the promise: The std consequences of adolescent virginity pledges. Journal of Adolescent Health, 36, 271-278. Retrieved from http://www.yale.edu/ciqle/PUBLICATIONS/AfterThePromise.pdf

2. Rosenbaum, J. E. (2009). Patient teenagers? a comparison of the sexual behavior of virginity pledgers and matched nonpledgers. Pediatrics, 123(1), e110-e120. doi: 10.1542/peds.2008-0407 [Available at: http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/123/1/e110.full.html]

3. Wind, R. (2006, December 19). Premarital sex is nearly universal among americans, and has been for decades. Retrieved from http://www.guttmacher.org/media/nr/2006/12/19/index.html

The Sessions [review]

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My boss recently asked if I’d seen The Sessions. He apologized almost immediately, stating that perhaps talking about it was inappropriate…but he thought it might connect with my “academic interests”. Color me intrigued.

The Sessions (2012), based on journalist and poet Mark O’Brien’s quest to experience physical intimacy, stars John Hawkes (O’Brien), Helen Hunt (sex surrogate Cheryl Cohen-Greene), and William H. Macy.

O’Brien, who contracted polio at age 6, could experience the sensation of touch but could not move from the neck down. He spent much of his life inside an iron lung because his condition made breathing difficult. As a virgin in his mid-thirties, he was inspired to seek out a sex surrogate after interviewing other individuals with disabilities about their sex lives.

What is a “sex surrogate?”

A sex surrogate is an individual who may become physically involved with clients to help them work through difficulties surrounding sexual activities. A sex surrogate is not a prostitute nor a sex therapist. 

Hunt’s character mentions that, unlike a prostitute, sex surrogates do not want your continued business. They concentrate on overcoming a specific sexual problem — emotional (body image issues) or physical (premature ejaculation). Their methods can include direct sexual contact, but not necessarily. Their goal is to help clients acquire the skills to establish healthy sexual relationships, not provide sexual pleasure. Trained in areas such as sex education & sexology, sex surrogates are legally certified and only meet clients through therapists.

Sex therapists, much like other therapists, are licensed professionals who tackle emotional difficulties through discussion — never sexual contact — but who are educated on the specifics of human sexuality. 

Review

The Sessions brings disability & sex out into the open. In his article “On Seeing a Sex Surrogate1,” O’Brien writes

Why do rehabilitation hospitals teach disabled people how to sew wallets and cook from a wheelchair but not deal with a person’s damaged self-image? Why don’t these hospitals teach disabled people how to love and be loved through sex, or how to love our unusual bodies?

23 years later, reading reviews that call this movie “disgusting,” I realized that our society is much more at ease imagining people with disabilities as asexual. But O’Brien makes it obvious that he is not excluded from the natural desires for (or the right to experience) romance, love, and sexual intimacy.

The Sessions is also refreshingly sex positive. Part of what O’Brien has to overcome is a negative, shameful view of sexuality from his upbringing. The encouragement he receives from those close to him is very inspiring. His friends & assistants are comfortable engaging in frank discussions about sex, and even his priest offers support instead of disapproval. Everyone involved treats sex as natural & enjoyable.

Unfortunately, it was because I was so impressed with these progressive themes that I was surprised by some details that were not exactly sex literate. First of all, protection is never mentioned. No condoms on the nightstand, no diaphragm in her purse, not even a discussion between the characters.

Secondly, some unrealistic expectations concerning intercourse were perpetuated. Without mentioning that it rarely happens, one of the sessions focused on simultaneous orgasm. Cohen-Greene is also portrayed as reaching orgasm through intercourse alone, which only 1/4 of women regularly experience. (If she was providing clitoral stimulation, it was largely ignored.) Sexual ideals like these cause many people (especially women) to worry that their bodies or sex lives are abnormal. For a movie that embraced sexual differences, this felt out of place.

Lastly, I didn’t know how to interpret the strange love triangle between O’Brien, Cohen-Greene, and her husband. The original article does not mention this, and I worry that it insinuates that sex surrogates cannot have satisfying marriages because they have outside sex partners. I liked that she got to know O’Brien as a person, but does attachment to a client cheapen the profession?

TL;DR?

Try to look past the occasional lack of sexual realism and relish the sex positivity that is so rarely expressed in the media. The Sessions made me laugh, warmed my heart, and opened my eyes even more to a very important struggle that many people with disabilities must face, but no one ever talks about. I highly recommend it to everyone.

4stars

1. O’Brien, Mark. (1990). On seeing a sex surrogate. The Sun, issue 174. Reprinted online at: http://thesunmagazine.org/issues/174/on_seeing_a_sex_surrogate