BDSM

Tantus Silicone Paddles: Pelt & Wham Bam Review

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Leather has long been the material of choice for impact play: paddles, floggers, whips, crops, even padded canes. I get it — the smell, the feel, the routine that develops with proper leather care; it can all be sexually intoxicating. But for those of us who are kink-inclined as well as being concerned about hygienic and/or vegan-friendly toys…there haven’t been many other options.

That is, until Tantus developed their line of silicone paddles. 

tantus paddles drawingSilicone is a fantastic material, and one that will last a lifetime with very minimal care from its owner. It’s body safe, hypoallergenic, & non-porous. It can be cleaned with soap & water/toy cleaner or it can be sanitized with boiling water, a solution of 10% bleach/90% water, or by placing it in the top rack of the dishwasher. With proper sanitizing between uses, it can safely be used with multiple partners. And as an added bonus, it’s surprisingly cool to the touch. This can feel rather glorious during use — soothing the warm & reddened skin that develops from continued spanking.

peltpackageTantus’ line of “silicone sensation toys” includes 5 different paddle designs: the Pelt, Thwack, Wham Bam, Snap Strap, and Plunge (very similar to the Thwack — but with an insertable, dildo-shaped handle). All are made from a velvety soft, matte-finish silicone that attracts hardly any dust, hair, or lint. All designs also include a small round hole near the end of the handle for ease of hanging/storing. Each paddle has a small raised Tantus logo, but packaging is extremely minimal. (If ordered from Tantus, your paddle will likely arrive in a clear plastic sleeve — but if found in a brick & mortar store, a simple hanging tag will probably be the only piece of branding.)

My review will focus on the Pelt & the Wham Bam. However, it you’d like to see all of the Tantus paddles in action, I highly suggest watching Ducky DooLittle’s short video review.

pelt label

pelt measurements_phixrThe Tantus Pelt resembles your stereotypical paddle. It is rather short and gently rounded; its impact area being more of an oval than a circle. It’s total length measures in at 11.5″, with approximately 5″ being used for the handle. The width of the paddle ranges from 1.25″ at the neck to approximately 3″ near the rounded tip. (The handle has a maximum width of 1.75″.) The silicone is thicker on the handle (0.5″) than it is on the face (0.25″), allowing it to be more flexible when swung. The Pelt is firm & short enough that it will easily maintain it’s shape when held vertically, not bending in either direction.

wham bam label

wham bam measurements_phixrThe Wham Bam is a rectangular paddle with a much longer and thinner shape, somewhat resembling a belt. In fact, it’s very similar to the Snap Strap — but not quite as long. The Wham Bam has a total length of 15″, with almost 2/3 of that space being devoted to impact area. The width ranges from 1.25″ at the neck to an even 2″ along the length of the face. The shape of the handle is identical to the Pelt, as is the thickness of the silicone. Even though the silicone is just as thick and firm, the added length makes it much more difficult for the Wham Bam to maintain its shape when held vertically. It easily wants to wobble and droop slightly to one side.

spanking label

Of the two, the Pelt is definitely the easiest to control. The shorter length gives it amazingly quick snapping power. With just a flick of the wrist, it lands firmly and evenly in the precise spot that was aimed for. In fact, I’ve found that there’s almost no reason to involve my elbow or my shoulder in swinging the Pelt as I can get all the intensity I need from simply changing the speed of my smaller movements.

whambamflopThe Wham Bam, on the other hand, takes a bit more practice. The long floppy shape can become awkward & anticlimactic with small movements, providing a disappointing experience for the receiver. The aim can also be tricky for inexperienced spankers — myself included. (There have been many apologies offered for accidentally hitting my partner too high or wrapping around his hip.) However, there does appear to be more variety available with this particular paddle. While it’s possible to control the Wham Bam with only quick flicks of the wrist (for less intense hits), it’s most effective when used with more of an exaggerated swing. The focus of the impact can even be changed so that it’s solely on the tip (similar to a whip) or spread out along the entire length (more like a paddle). However, as you can see in the video below, focusing impact on the area near the handle doesn’t give very good results.

being spanked label

If I could say only one thing about Tantus’ silicone paddles, it would be this: They are not for the faint of heart. The silicone provides a “bite” unlike any other implement I’ve ever experienced as part of my personal adventures in impact play. (This includes leather paddles, leather floggers, rubber floggers, and of course, hands. My experience with canes, whips, & crops is practically nonexistent.)

In fact, I actually bruised my leg while trying to get a decent video for this review. Experiencing growing amounts of pain & still unable to capture that lovely “pop!”, I eventually gave up and asked my wonderful partner to help me out.

Putting the final touches on my review for the @tantusinc Pelt & Wham Bam silicone paddles!

A video posted by Mandi (@erocentric) on


The Pelt, with its wider surface area, is ever-so-slightly less intense than the Wham Bam — but it still feels sharp & stingy (especially when compared to the “thuddyness” of stiffer leather paddles). My partner and I can best describe it as an amplified version of hand-spanking; more intense impact with less exertion on the part of the spanker. The Pelt is capable of a range of sensations, from surprisingly light warm-up taps to a rather intimidatingly loud snap. No matter the intensity, I have found the Pelt to be fairly manageable…at least for a while.

The Wham Bam, on the other hand, can very easily surpass my pain threshold. With its added length, it falls much heavier and the initial sting lasts longer — especially if the impact is focused in the tip. It’s almost impossible to get a nice, gentle warm-up; more often than not, the paddle either flops against the skin with no real impact at all or it jumps straight to making my body twitch in fear & my muscles tighten from the pain. My measly limits prevent my partner from getting in a good swing with the Wham Bam…and although he can certainly take more than I can, I have still occasionally put too much power behind my hits. It’s definitely not a “let loose” kind of toy for either of us. It provides the kind of impact that will jolt us out of our trance — not lull us into a sense of subspace.

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This may not sound very beginner-friendly, but my best advice in the case of Tantus’ silicone paddles is to know what you like beforehand. The intensity of these paddles (especially the Wham Bam) is probably not going to be the right fit for a first time spankee — in fact, it could very well be terrifying. Take some time to get to know what types of sensation you enjoy and where your limits are. (How much warm-up do you need? How hard do you like to be spanked? Do you prefer “thud” or “sting”? How long can you endure? etc.) And for the person doing the spanking, it’ll probably be much easier to start out with tools that offer tighter control and provide a wider range of sensation.

With that being said, if you know that you enjoy stingy & rather intense impact play, the Tantus paddles seriously cannot be beat. They are of absolutely impeccable quality, completely hygienic, and they pack a major wallop. Plus, at approximately $50, they are some of the most affordable impact toys on the market.

4stars

Pros: body-safe & nonporous silicone, shareable, 5 designs offer a range of possibilities, provides very powerful impact with minimal exertion, high-quality yet affordable

Cons: might be too intense or stingy for some individuals, longer paddles (like the Wham Bam) can be a little difficult to control

Special thanks to my affiliate, Tantus, for providing me with the Pelt in exchange for an honest & unbiased review. (I had already purchased the Wham Bam some time ago.) If you would like to add any of Tantus’ silicone paddles to your own collection, please consider doing so here. 

The Big Book of Bondage Review

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Many thanks to Cleis Press for providing me with a free copy of this book in exchange for an unbiased review — and for donating a second copy to a lucky reader! You can order The Big Book of Bondage directly from Cleis Press’ product page or from other book retailers, such as Amazon.

bigbookbondage edit

The Big Book of Bondage is edited by the wonderfully talented Alison Tyler and contains 25 short erotic stories penned by 25 different contemporary writers. At well over 300 pages, it’s definitely a large volume — even when you consider its slightly squished format (5×7 vs. the 6×9 of a typical trade paperback). It was published in 2012 by Cleis Press, a prolific company specializing in sexual how-to’s & erotic literature of all varieties.

As both a bookworm & sex geek, I read a lot of erotica. Unfortunately, my standards are pretty high and I often run into the same two problems: horribly tacky sexual metaphors (“His rigid sword pushed its way past her moist petals and plunged deep into her castle.”) and an imbalance between variety & unity (the stories either blend together or they feel too chaotic to fit under one theme).

The Big Book of Bondage was a refreshing respite
from mediocre (and just plain bad) erotica.

Without a lot of cheesy sex slang to disrupt my reading experience, I was actually able to connect with the characters and immerse myself in the plot lines. I was able to get turned on by the fantasies that resonated with my own and appreciate the creativity of the few that just “weren’t my thing.”

Which brings me to my next point: The variety is such that no two stories in this collection are the same. “Bondage” can mean anything from simply following verbal commands to physically being bound by cuffs, ropes, even vacuum beds. Other kinks and fetishes make their way into the stories with ease. (Into exhibitionism? Pain as pleasure? Pet play? It has you covered!) Sexual acts are not limited to “the usual” oral sex or penis-in-vagina intercourse. (Fisting, figging, and anal play all make appearances; sometimes there’s surprisingly little “sex” at all.) If you’re into kink, there’s a good chance that you’ll find at least one story that reflects your own unique desires — and many more that you will be able to enjoy.

The tingling moved through her teeth, sang in her scalp, tickled the ends of her hair. She was limp and weightless, she was floating free. – Vida Bailey, Life Drawing

Thanks to the editor, Alison Tyler, there’s an inclusiveness in The Big Book of Bondage that I appreciate when it comes to the characters & their relationships. Although the majority of the stories feature heterosexual couples with a male Dominant/female submissive power exchange, there are still plenty of stories that break the monotony. Gay/lesbian characters were not forgotten or ignored. Femdom fantasies were given space to shine. And “untraditional” relationships were included in the form of group sex, open relationships, & various arrangements between play partners.

As a big believer of the fact that erotica/porn can be educational and still hot, I was also thrilled to see the occasional mention of safe sex and BDSM practices. (Condoms, safewords, checking to make sure that rope isn’t too tight, etc.) Of course there were some stories that made me cringe (anal sex without any lubricant) and others that made me very uncomfortable (a boss whose behavior I interpreted as sexual harassment instead of sexy fun time), but I understand that others’ fantasies differ from my own.

When I came, someone paused the universe. I shattered into a million little pieces and was blasted across time. – Kristina Lloyd, The Bondage Pig

Overall, I highly recommend The Big Book of Bondage if you’re into kinky erotica. It’s got some great writing talent, a variety of different characters/scenarios, and sexy descriptions that will get your heart pounding. It even offers a pretty good insight into the nature of BDSM & bondage play.

It may just be the best erotic anthology that I’ve ever read.

5stars

Aftercare: The Calm After the Climax

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What is sexual “aftercare?”

Simply put, aftercare is a designated time for calm & comfort that occurs after a sexual activity. While this term is most often used in a BDSM-specific context, some light forms of aftercare are commonly practiced by vanilla couples as well. (Post-coital cuddling, anyone?) Although we often have very specific ideas of who needs aftercare (most likely female submissives), it should be a basic sexual right for anyone who desires it — regardless of gender, sexual orientation, level of kink, or one’s status as Dominant or submissive.

Although aftercare can be comforting during times of distress, it should not necessarily be viewed as reparative. This causes the preceding sex act to be seen as inherently damaging and reinforces the idea that some forms of consensual sex are scary or “wrong.” Rather, aftercare should be viewed as a way to enhance sexual encounters. It may be used to increase intimacy, reinforce positive emotions (such as self-esteem), promote sexual communication and/or express love.

Why is aftercare beneficial?

Sometimes sex (even vanilla sex) can get rather intense. Maybe it’s been a rough week and sex is simply more cathartic than you expected, or maybe you’re just feeling particularly insecure or self-conscious. Most of us have also probably done or said something “in the moment” that caused us to experience shame or doubt after our sexual arousal abated. There are a lot of reasons why sex can sometimes create emotions that are overwhelming — and perhaps not so pleasurable.

BDSM practitioners have these same concerns and more. Endorphins and sexual arousal are a heady mixture, capable of removing a person from reality in what we call subspace or Domspace. This can be a wonderful experience, but the ensuing drop may cause a scene to feel physically, mentally, and/or emotionally exhausting for all individuals involved. Limits may have been pushed, role-played humiliation may require positive affirmations, and yes — minor physical injuries may need to be attended to.

How can you provide aftercare for a partner?

First, talk with them about the concept of aftercare. Are they familiar with it? If they think that it will be a positive addition to your sexual activity, discuss what calms them down or relaxes them. This is different for everyone and can range from extended intimate discussions to simply being left alone.  Without knowing what works for a particular person, aftercare may cause more harm than good.

Make sure that you consider a variety of aftercare options that target both physical and mental/emotional comfort. This will likely depend on the type of sexual play you are engaging in.

Here are a few ideas for various forms of aftercare…

  • Attending to basic physiological needs: Have you been playing intensely or for a long time, warranting food or water? If you have engaged in S&M activities, are there minor injuries that need antiseptic ointment and bandaids? If bondage has been incorporated, this may also be a good time to remove restraints, allowing for a more comfortable body position.
  • Providing comfortable surroundings: This can include temperature control (fan, space heater, blankets, warm socks) or more atmospheric enhancements (scented candles/incense, soft music).
  • Reinforcing intimacy and other positive emotions: This will depend on what type of relationship you have with the person you are currently playing with. A couple that is both involved in S&M and vanilla sexual activity may find intercourse or sexual touching to be very comforting after more intense play. Cuddling and/or offering reassurance are also good ways to let your partner know that you care about them. If you and your sexual/play partner do not have an emotional connection for this type of aftercare, a close friend may be able to provide some third party support.
  • Enhancing sexual communication: Some individuals use aftercare as a time to debrief by asking what was most/least enjoyable for their partner, what they’d like to do differently next time, etc. However, this can be complicated. One or both partners may be so satiated that conversing is momentarily impossible. If a power dynamic is in play, one or both partners may still be in their roles, potentially creating a barrier for open communication. Also, if not careful, post-coital criticism — even if constructive — can sometimes make vulnerabilities worse. (I-statements!) For some, this may work better if it’s used as a delayed “check-in” aftercare, allowing a few days for all partners to gather their thoughts.

Talking about aftercare can sometimes feel like you’re expecting the worst out of a pleasurable situation. In reality, it’s a great way to show your partner that you respect them and their needs. It communicates that you are there for more than just your own physical gratification. In a way, it’s the mature progression of not sneaking out immediately after the deed is done.

Sensation Play: Blindfolds, Hot Wax, and Feathers, Oh My!

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You hear a high-pitched ping to your right, a sound that reminds you of glasses being clinked together at a party. Instinctively, you turn your head, but you can’t see through the blackness of the blindfold. You wait, straining to hear something more, but nothing more comes. The bed shifts under the weight of your partner. As more time passes, you can feel your muscles tense in apprehension. A splash of ice-cold liquid falls onto your nipple. You inhale quickly and jump in alarm as the liquid rolls off your side. More drops fall onto your chest, along your sternum, and onto your stomach. Suddenly something feels different. You realize that the last one stings — not from intense cold, but from heat. More drops land on your skin as you struggle to distinguish hot from cold, doubting yourself as the sensation from the next drop begs for your attention.

Sensation play refers to a cluster of sexual activities that are focused on the exploration of physical sensation. Most often, sensation play is thought of as a BDSM activity. However, while it certainly can include pain for the masochistically inclined, sensation play can also just be soft and sensual. It’s a way to slow down and enjoy the different effects that you and your partner can have on each other’s bodies. It can also lead to creative experimentation with household items that are not normally sexualized.

Perhaps the easiest way to begin a journey into sensation play is simply by exploring touch. Consider the range of pleasurable sensations that you have felt — not only those that were sexual. Maybe you have an obsession with cashmere or fur, or you love the way that a chain necklace feels when lightly moved against your skin. Of course, there are also several sex toys made for sensation play, like ticklers made from chain or rubber. But the great thing about sensation play is that common items can be incorporated into foreplay. Feathers, makeup brushes, loofahs…take a quick run through your home and you’ll see that the possibilities are endless!

For those that may want to experiment with combining pain and pleasure, there are even more options. You may want to consider abrasive materials, like sandpaper or hard-bristled brushes. Sex toys for this sort of play include a wide variety of pinwheels (the most common being the Wartenberg), and clawed gloves, like these impressive bear paws. Impact toys like paddles and whips can also fall into the realm of sensation play. (A separate post on impact play safety tips is soon to come.)

Another commonly explored sensation, as described in my opening paragraph, is extremes in temperature. (This is sometimes specifically referred to as temperature play.) Cold water, ice cubes, and metal objects chilled in ice water are common ways to provide your partner with cold sensations. For the hot side of the spectrum, many people turn to melted wax. Be sure to do plenty of research into wax play safety before beginning. (Nobody wants nasty burns.) White paraffin candles are generally a good choice for beginners — as they burn at lower temperatures. However, for an even lower melting point, you can use massage candles. If those are still too hot for your enjoyment, there are also warming massage oils that barely get above body temperature.

The reverse side of sensation play, sensory deprivation or the absence of sensation, can also be fun. Some individuals enjoy total deprivation of their senses, while others prefer the impairment of one sense in order to enhance the experience of others. Blindfolds, earplugs, and/or earphones with music playing can all be deprivation tools. This places a person in a sort of bubble where they are solely focused on sensations of touch. Because blindfolds are a very successful crossover from BDSM to vanilla sex, sensory deprivation can be a great way to break into sensation play without feeling too intimidated.

No matter the type or intensity of sensations that you are comfortable exploring, sensation play can be considered as one more tool in your sexual repertoire — and an opportunity to spend an hour or two figuring out how to make your partner tremble.

Secretary [review]

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Secretary (2002), inspired by a short story by Mary Gaitskill, stars Maggie Gyllenhaal as Lee Holloway and James Spader as Mr. E. Edward Grey. The story follows Lee as she is released from a psychiatric institution and attempts to gain control over her life. In doing so, she takes a job as a lawyer’s secretary. Through Grey’s intense need for control & perfection within the office, a Dominant/submissive power dynamic forms between him and Lee. This dynamic eventually turns sexual, and the two of them are forced to confront questions of love, lust, and intimate relationships in general.

Being one of the few mainstream movies to depict a BDSM relationship, Secretary has gained a lot of attention. In the brief 12 years since its release, it has become a sort of modern classic for many in the community. In fact, I vividly remember the first time that I watched Secretary: sneaking off to my bedroom after my roommates had gone to bed, playing it on my laptop through a pair of earphones. Not only was it thrilling and sexually taboo, but for the first time, I was able to see an important part of my sexuality reflected on screen in a validating way.

Why Secretary is one of my favorite films…

I’ll admit, a small reason why I love Secretary so much is because James Spader has the most amazingly authoritative voice in the world. But the real reason is because BDSM is portrayed as a legitimate option in the realm of human sexuality — an acceptable, shame-free way for two people to find peace within themselves and an intense connection as a couple. Through their D/s romance, the characters grow into better individuals.

Lee finds comfort & cathartic release from BDSM, allowing her to abandon her old, self-destructive habits. She gains confidence in her appearance and her abilities. Through submission she actually learns to speak up for herself and become her own person. Grey also learns to accept himself and his sexual desires. At first, he is almost plagued by his need to be dominant. He battles against it, believing it to be abnormal, unrealistic, or both. But Lee encourages that part of him, allowing him to lower the walls that distanced him from romantic/sexual partners in the past.

The movie also does a wonderful job of not being overtly sexual. There is a concentration on the emotional and mental aspects of a D/s power dynamic with a focus on control/devotion and protection/security. When there are bits of nudity, they are not pornographic; they are intimate.

Why Secretary is not perfect…

Unfortunately, sexual communication is pretty much nonexistent between Grey and Lee for the majority of the film, creating far too many similarities with sexual harassment and assault. There are no discussions about consent or boundaries. They don’t even discuss their intentions, expectations, or desires! Instead, Lee relies on silently manipulating Grey into dominant action, while Grey irresponsibly engages in those actions without getting explicit consent. Though nobody gets physically injured because of this, it does lead to some very uncomfortable sexual activity that can be difficult to watch.

Secretary is also guilty of the very misrepresentations that I mentioned in Popular BDSM Erotica: Damaged & Diluted. My inspiration behind that post, Margot D. Weiss’ article “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in the U.S. Popular Media” was actually written specifically about this film. In her article, Weiss points out that BDSM is “pathologized” because submissive & masochistic Lee battles a history of self-injury. (Not that there is anything shameful about mental illness, only that it is unrelated to BDSM.) Grey and Lee’s BDSM relationship is also “normalized” when, at the end, they settle into marriage. Although I will argue that they do appear to continue their kinky sex play.

TL;DR

If you haven’t yet seen Secretary, I strongly recommend it. Keep in mind that communication should be part of every relationship, and that Hollywood’s misconceptions of BDSM are still something that needs changing. However, the fact that a D/s dynamic is displayed as a legitimate love style feels like a step in the right direction. In my opinion, Secretary is just too monumental to ignore for those interested in the BDSM lifestyle.

5stars

1. Margot D. Weiss. 2006. “Mainstreaming Kink: The Politics of BDSM Representation in U.S. Popular Media.” Journal of Homosexuality 50(2/3): 103-130.

You can also find an electronic copy of the article here.