When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match – Review

 As many of you know, I’m a huge bookworm. I’m always trying to further my own education about sexuality and gender through reading — and I’m the first to suggest that others do so as well. Although I’ve done a few book reviews here at EROcentric in the past, there are so many other amazing books that fall through the cracks…usually because I don’t want to write an intricate and polished post about them.  

So I want to try something a little different from here on out. I want to create more short & informal blog posts focused on what I’m reading in real time: part review, part suggestion, and part reading journal. These posts may appear randomly as I complete a new book, or they may be posted on schedule particularly hectic weeks. As always, my favorite books will be listed on my Library page for quick reference. 

Pertot - Sex Drives

In my recent search for sex-related reading material, I stumbled upon Sandra Pertot’s When Your Sex Drives Don’t MatchReaders of mine may recall that I have been trying to navigate a lower than “normal” libido (compared to both my partner & my past self). And although it may be too soon to tell for sure, I feel that this book has potentially been a relationship changer.

In the first part of this book, Pertot (a practicing sex therapist) lists & describes 10 different “libido types” — the ways that each of us, as individuals, relate to sexual activity. She reassures readers that there is no right or wrong libido type, and remains optimistic that many couples who differ in type can still maintain a satisfying relationship.

In the second part, Pertot provides readers with a detailed plan for communicating with their partner. She has developed several exercises, with plenty of questions to clarify not only what is “ideal” — but what is “good enough” in your sexual relationship. She makes you confront your fears & insecurities, while also identifying your strengths. She asks you to put yourself in your partner’s position, answering questions from their point of view, in order to clear up misunderstandings. Finally, she has you brainstorm ways to achieve mutual satisfaction. 

If you and your partner are experiencing a mismatch in libido (whether it’s in frequency, type of sex, methods of initiation, etc)…I highly suggest reading this book and completing the exercises together. Even though my partner & I had discussed this issue many times before, Pertot’s “Talk” gave me a better understanding of how we each approach sex (what it means to us, what we need from it, what we can compromise on, etc). Through that, I have seemingly developed more confidence and a renewed sense of my sexual self. I’m not feeling so “broken” anymore.

(This mini-review was originally featured on my Tumblr.)

5 thoughts on “When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match – Review

  1. The short & sweet book review format seems to work beautifully!

    Thank you for writing about this one here. I’ve been in so many relationships where a libido mismatch was a significant issue, if not the on that ended the relationships. Having never heard of this one, its like something I’ll have to track down as soon as I can. Thanks!

  2. I apologize that it has taken me so long to reply, but I’m very glad that you enjoyed my review! I hope that you’ve had a chance to read some of Pertot’s writing. She tackles the delicate issue of low-libido/libido mismatch so well; This book and Perfectly Normal have both really improved the way I think about my sexuality! 🙂

  3. I find with my girlfriend that I’m always most horny in the morning, where she wants to have sex at night / afternoon. If we’ve had dinner or anything it just makes me way too sleepy – which means waiting at least a couple hours after dinner, but by then she is usually too sleepy. It’s hard to find that time where we are both in the zone really. She thinks I’m joking when I mention these things.

  4. This sort of mismatch is not uncommon at all!

    My partner & I are the same way; I’m more open to sex in the evening, before bed/ he’s often too sleepy and would rather have sex in the morning…when I’m almost impossible to wake up. We’ve had to learn to recognize this difference & compromise a bit. Sometimes, if one of us initiates at a time when the other is not usually in the mood, we’ll make out for a while to see if that changes due to responsive arousal. Other times, we’ll have sex in the afternoon or early evening, midway between both of our preferences. (This works best when we have days off together, but also can be squeezed in before dinner, right after one or both of us get home from work.)

    Try talking to her again, calmly see if she would be willing to experiment with having sex at different times. Even if she thinks it’s silly at first, she might notice that it makes a difference when both of you have enough energy. Or it might simply be a fun little change of pace. 🙂

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