A Sex Blogger Who is Afraid of Sex?

I’ve been silent lately. Most days, my energy is zapped simply by existing; making it through another day at a job that I am growing to despise, escaping into a pile of fiction, and convincing myself that “lurking on social media” is synonymous with “being social.” The blog has gone stagnant in the nearly 2 months since my last review — and it all somehow seems outside of my control. My backlog of sex toys is long and unmoving and it causes me so much anxiety that I often feel like there is a tiny mouse inside of my heart, clawing & chewing on very vital things.

At this point, my relationship with sex is a wreck. There are so many layers that I don’t even know what’s at the root of my issues anymore.

Is my birth control causing my low libido? Is the depression making it worse? (Or is the birth control suddenly making the depression worse again?) Maybe the weight I’ve gained in the last year has destroyed my body image and made me feel unsexy? (Is the depression making me gain weight too?) Am I simply putting too much pressure on myself and creating a negative feedback loop? …Or (and this is most terrifying of all) is this simply the way that I am now?

Everything is too tangled up to make sense.

As you all know, I’ve been dealing with “low libido” for years. It started as a lack of spontaneous desire. Then (as I began to realize the last time I wrote about struggling through painful sex) it became increasingly difficult to experience responsive desire and arousal — mentally or physically. More and more often, I was masturbating simply to release physical stress; using my Hitachi for a quick 2 minutes while I continued to watch Netflix. My orgasms became something that was happening to my body; a physiological equation that my mind never needed to enter into.

With my partner, I began initiating quickies & rushing through sex as much as possible. It required less energy and it was easier that way; if I didn’t give my body or mind the time to get aroused, then I couldn’t be disappointed when it didn’t happen. And of course, it was precisely when we did attempt to slow down and focus on “foreplay” that I finally fell apart. After an hour of kissing and touching, it became obvious to both of us that the only emotion I felt was an increasing panic that I didn’t feel anything sexual at all.

I cried myself to sleep that night and I’m crying again as I write this. It’s probably been over 2 months since my partner and I have had intercourse; the longest we’ve gone since we became sexually active. I so desperately want to want sex again… but I just don’t. To be honest, I’m actually terrified of being sexual with him — of being sexual at all — because I worry that I’m not strong enough to battle my own (perceived) shortcomings and self-hatred. I can’t even study sex in an academic way anymore without feeling like a failure. I listen to other people talk about craving or enjoying sex and I get incredibly sad & jealous. That used to be me. I used to have those emotions. Now I just feel broken.

And the worst part is, I absolutely know that the longer I drag this out, the harder it becomes to bounce back. I constantly feel like I’m letting everyone down: myself, my partner, the companies that I have partnered with on this blog, my readers. The last couple of times that I have tried to masturbate for reviews, my negative emotions have spilled out in the form of physical pain during insertion or orgasm. Not exactly a glowing endorsement for a product that should induce pleasure.

I guess what I’m saying is… I’m still here; I’m just in the background right now, trying to gather up the strength to battle this out. I am not planning on giving up the blog or the wonderful sex-positive community that I have become a part of, but I also don’t know how to be a sex blogger while I am actively dreading sex. At this point, all I know is that I need to find a way to take the stress & pressure out of the situation. I’m just too exhausted & confused to know how to begin.

Confession: I Had Painful Sex…And I Didn’t Say a Word

It’s been a quiet month here at EROcentric. My review schedule remains outdated & untouched and I haven’t had the motivation or the emotional fortitude to admit what’s been going on with my sex life — to myself, my partner, or to my readers. But the more I tried to push down my emotions, the more they needed to find validation within actual words.

The truth is… My partner and I have had sex exactly once in the last month and my number of masturbation sessions is not much higher.littlebackstoryIt started as my last menstrual cycle came to an end. I could feel that something wasn’t quite right with my body, and before long I noticed the telltale signs of a yeast infection. I purchased the dreaded Monistat (I’m never quite sure what feels more uncomfortable: a yeast infection or the treatment for one), stocked the fridge with yogurt, and started drinking enough water to have me running to the restroom every hour. Compared to yeast infections of my past, this one actually surrendered without much of a fight.

When I finally allowed myself to masturbate again, the results were lackluster at best & mildly uncomfortable at worst. The lubricant stung, thrusting felt abrasive, and arousal was nonexistent. At this point, I hadn’t had sex for about 2 weeks — and it suddenly went from something that I was longing for to something that I needed to simply push out of my mind.

I should point out that two weeks without sex has not been exceptionally rare for me over the last few years. I’ve been fairly open about my struggle with low libido & my efforts to determine what it means for my own sexuality while also forming a plan of action with my “high libido” partner. It’s been the topic of many tearful conversations, but we’ve finally been seeing some real progress… until this particular set back.

I could tell that the lack of physical intimacy was beginning to wear on my partner, even though our emotional intimacy was still high. I just couldn’t find the words to talk with him about this. All I knew was that my body wasn’t cooperating and my mind had shut itself off from any sexual thoughts. Anything more than cuddles felt like a request that I simply couldn’t handle, and the guilt & shame was too overwhelming to let him in. All he knew was that I had stopped expressing love in a way that is very meaningful to him.tippingpointFinally, after 3 weeks of no sex and a growing distance between the two of us, I was desperate. Desperate for a connection. Desperate to feel normal again. I tried to initiate foreplay and get into the mood, but I felt detached from my body…and as intercourse followed, the pain set in.

As someone who advocates for sex positivity, consent education, and open sexual communication, you’d think that I would have spoken up — but I didn’t. I hid my pain in the darkness, clenched my fists, and waited it out. And once it was over, I cried.

Yes, I cried because the burning pain of a thousand suns was trapped within my vagina. But I also cried because after so long without sex, I felt like I had ruined everything. I cried because I felt guilty that I didn’t communicate, and therefore put my partner in a very awkward situation. I cried because I didn’t know what was wrong with my body or my sex drive. …I cried because my shame suddenly became a river that I was drowning in.repeatoffenderThis entire situation has made me realize that this isn’t the first time I’ve made the mistake of not speaking up. In fact, it’s something that I now recognize I need to work on.

During one of my first D/s scenes with my current partner, I felt uncomfortable and emotionally shut down instead of using my safeword. I fell asleep feeling bitter & angry that he didn’t read my mind, while he was confused and assumed that he had done something to lose me completely.

I’ll also commonly grit my teeth & bear the last few thrusts of intercourse in the doggy style position, even though my partner is painfully bumping against my cervix. I don’t want to speak up, because I know he’s close and I’d hate to ruin his orgasm. I do this continually, even though I know he’d rather me speak up because he hates the idea of me being in pain.

It’s not “no” that I have trouble with; It’s “stop.” My pride gets in the way. I have an impossibly hard time asking for help or asserting my needs. I want to prove that I can take anything. I don’t want to appear weak. But it causes much more trouble than being honest with myself & my partner.wherenowHonestly, I’m nervous to have sex again. I’m afraid of the pain still being present. And even though my partner & I have since discussed what happened in much more detail, I’m still scared that sex will be awkward as a result of my communication failure.

The entire mess is contributing to a lack of libido that is more intensely depressing & debilitating than any dry spell I’ve ever experienced before. Although I have ideas on how to move forward, I don’t feel confidant that I’m actually moving in the right direction. I find myself fearing that not only has my libido dropped, but my arousal & enjoyment of sex has as well.

I have to keep reminding myself of the good in this situation: that the crying actually forced me to open up again & it cleared the air between us in the bedroom. That I have recognized an area where I need to focus energy & we’re now facing this problem as a team instead of separate & alone. I also have to remember that being “sex positive” isn’t about having great sex — and it doesn’t mean that I’ll never make mistakes. Sometimes sex is bad, but that doesn’t mean that it always will be. And it doesn’t have to mean that I’ve done irreparable harm to my relationship either.

So, what can you expect from EROcentric in the coming weeks? Unfortunately, I’m not sure. Will my body start cooperating, allowing me to finish reviewing the wonderful products that have so far gone untouched? Will this hiccup in my sexuality allow me to write a couple of non-review articles that I’ve been excited about but haven’t found time for?

At this point, all I can promise is that I am still here & I’m not giving up on this journey.

When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match – Review

 As many of you know, I’m a huge bookworm. I’m always trying to further my own education about sexuality and gender through reading — and I’m the first to suggest that others do so as well. Although I’ve done a few book reviews here at EROcentric in the past, there are so many other amazing books that fall through the cracks…usually because I don’t want to write an intricate and polished post about them.  

So I want to try something a little different from here on out. I want to create more short & informal blog posts focused on what I’m reading in real time: part review, part suggestion, and part reading journal. These posts may appear randomly as I complete a new book, or they may be posted on schedule particularly hectic weeks. As always, my favorite books will be listed on my Library page for quick reference. 

Pertot - Sex Drives

In my recent search for sex-related reading material, I stumbled upon Sandra Pertot’s When Your Sex Drives Don’t MatchReaders of mine may recall that I have been trying to navigate a lower than “normal” libido (compared to both my partner & my past self). And although it may be too soon to tell for sure, I feel that this book has potentially been a relationship changer.

In the first part of this book, Pertot (a practicing sex therapist) lists & describes 10 different “libido types” — the ways that each of us, as individuals, relate to sexual activity. She reassures readers that there is no right or wrong libido type, and remains optimistic that many couples who differ in type can still maintain a satisfying relationship.

In the second part, Pertot provides readers with a detailed plan for communicating with their partner. She has developed several exercises, with plenty of questions to clarify not only what is “ideal” — but what is “good enough” in your sexual relationship. She makes you confront your fears & insecurities, while also identifying your strengths. She asks you to put yourself in your partner’s position, answering questions from their point of view, in order to clear up misunderstandings. Finally, she has you brainstorm ways to achieve mutual satisfaction. 

If you and your partner are experiencing a mismatch in libido (whether it’s in frequency, type of sex, methods of initiation, etc)…I highly suggest reading this book and completing the exercises together. Even though my partner & I had discussed this issue many times before, Pertot’s “Talk” gave me a better understanding of how we each approach sex (what it means to us, what we need from it, what we can compromise on, etc). Through that, I have seemingly developed more confidence and a renewed sense of my sexual self. I’m not feeling so “broken” anymore.

(This mini-review was originally featured on my Tumblr.)

Confession: My Sex Life Isn’t Perfect

I’m always in the mood for sex & it’s always amazing.

As I increasingly share my work as a sex blogger (or an aspiring sex educator) to more individuals, I become much more aware of the winking smiles and subtle comments about how lucky my partner is. Call me naïve, but I didn’t realize how pervasive this “nympho” stereotype was for women like me. I didn’t realize that simply because I was more open about my sexuality and have worked very hard to educate myself, that my personal experiences in the bedroom would be glorified to those around me. And I certainly didn’t anticipate that I would begin to internalize other people’s expectations for my own sex life.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve actually had a lower than “normal” libido.

The truth is, my sex life is not always full of rainbows and bunnies (i.e. reliable, mind-blowing orgasms from the near-constant sex I’m having). Sure, the fact that I’m knowledgeable about sex and comfortable discussing it means that my partner and I are able to communicate very effectively. We’re not shy about telling each other what we want/need, and I’m sure that does make our sex life more pleasurable than some other couples’. However, we are two real people in a real relationship, and no part of life is perfect.

We’ve been together for four years and sometimes work/school, bills, and our two fur-children simply wear us down. Certain oral contraceptives have both increased my depression and decreased my libido. Sometimes we might go a couple of weeks without having sex and I don’t even realize it. And sometimes when we do have sex, fireworks just aren’t there.

If I’m not interested in sex, I have failed as a romantic/sexual partner.

I’ve put a lot of unnecessary pressure on myself over the last couple of years. When I first noticed that my libido wasn’t what it used to be, I would consent to sex without really desiring it. (Eventually my partner called me out on it and asked me to stop.) I have tried so hard to get in the mood only to end the night in tears, because I “failed” and feel broken. And I’ve often found myself worrying that I’m more interested in learning about sex than I am about actually having it.

Through all of this, my partner has been the only other person to know how guilty I feel for not wanting to have sex all the time. He knows that when I try to joke about being a “bad girlfriend,” I’m trying to make light of how I actually feel. He has seen my insecurities get the best of me when I worry that my lower sex drive will eventually cause him to leave our life together — despite his multiple reassurances. Until now, I have been way too embarrassed and ashamed to ever let that imperfect part of my sex life show outside of our relationship.

Part of being sex positive is accepting myself & my sexuality — even when it’s not sensational.

This summer, I shared a couple of videos on my Twitter. In one, Kitty Stryker talks about having a low libido and the realities of not-so-great sex. In the other, Sarah talks about how she has learned to accept that she doesn’t have a very high sex drive. I watched these videos and was amazed at how perfectly these two women expressed my own insecurities and concerns.

Then Penny wrote a blog post on “Sex Blogger Life,” and her first point was that she wasn’t a nympho. And Beck wrote her own Wicked Wednesday post, sharing that she is also a real person in a real relationship that isn’t just about sex. I want to thank both of them for their honesty and openness. It was very comforting to relate to fellow bloggers in this way, and I realized that I had fallen into the same trap as many of my friends. I had been concentrating on other bloggers’ erotically written intimate experiences, amazing masturbatory sessions, and seemingly endless orgasms…unfairly comparing myself to sexual ideals.

There’s a sexual rule of thumb that I discovered while reading Secrets from the Sex Lab by Judy Dutton that has helped to take some pressure off sex. Therapist Paula Hall has dubbed it the “2-6-2 Rule” and it basically means that out of every 10 times you have sex, 2 will be absolutely amazing, 2 will be so bland you wonder why you thought it was a good idea, and the other 6 will be somewhere in between. So while I am still trying to actively rediscover the joys of sexual experience (through self-pleasure, foreplay, toy reviews, blogging, etc), I know that I can only do that by learning to relax. I have to stop expecting every sexual encounter to be mind-blowing (and blaming myself when it’s not). I have to stop obsessing over the frequency that my partner and I have sex. Most of all, I have to embrace my own unique sexuality — whatever that may be.

If I refuse to judge others for their sexual choices, why have I been judging myself?